What a week!
It's been a bit of an eventful week, but.......by a long shot, one of the best weeks i have had in the last 4 to 5 months in terms of flashbacks and triggers. Just super yay!!
In case you can't tell, i want to shout it from the rooftops - in fact i might. To have 4 days of continuous feel good days, no flashbacks, no triggers, no feeling this heaviness all around me, no needing to talk needing to get stuff out, its like being liberated.
And really, the odds have been against me this week as well, so i'm even more stoked :)
In terms of healing, i was really struggling to hold some memories of a event that happened during the abuse, and although i had spoken about it once before, the after events were becoming too difficult to hold, so, i just got them down and mailed them to my friend. It's not about wanting my feelings to be validated, or to be understood, for me it is just getting it out there to someone who you trust, just sharing it. And i know how lucky i am to have someone watching my back who i trust so much. I think once i got this out it kind of really lifted things and although i guess that's not the end of it and at some point there may be some work to be done on it, it feels like its not so heavy to hold, and the other good thing was i managed to say what i needed to say in "adult mode" - compared to flashback mode.
Had my first counseling appt this week, and it was okay. Honestly, really okay. I'm really stoked about that as well, i really really need this to be effective and it was positive. I've been asked to journal flashbacks and triggers and how i feel in them/after them, how i grounded myself - or not! I was thinking was going to be a full time job after the last couple of weeks, but alas, my paper sits blank - if this continues all weekend i dont think the counselor will believe me, considering i was telling her how it is just trigger after trigger and building flashbacks until i feel i am going to combust. I don't wanted to get too super exited here, but could this be the start of turning the corner? Oooh, yes yes yes.
Update from my last post, after kicking my butt into gear: I've got my new mobile phone and it does what i need it to do. I've got a heating engineer coming out next week to see if my boiler can be fixed - Oh what heaven it would be, after the snow here in the last few days i'm kind of really needing some heat.
I've kept pretty much on top of general house stuff - well to my normal standards, but yeah, no having to go commando this week!
The rest of my week - which makes me even more stoked i got through in one piece ( I say this because lately i struggle to manage a full week of anything because it is normally dominated by flashbacks and triggers and my working week can feel so overwhelming with the amount of work piling up, and anything out of the norm sends me sideways - oh to get back to my normal world of just lapping it all up and embracing everything life gives you).
I travelled to Nottingham for some work related projects which i have been putting off like big time. A colleague came with me and....it was all good. I spent 7 hours in someone else's company and it was all okay, i delivered on the projects, got some more super idea's, drank some fine coffee and it was all good.
I have met two crucial deadlines with work this week, trust me, that feeling is great.
I have had a friend leave their partner and land on my doorstep - previous this current rough patch, this would have never been a problem, anyone is welcome, laze and graze at mine is part of normal life. But the last few months, my door is firmly shut, i've been so in the soup that managing myself is about my limits, let alone supporting someone else, so, taking my sobbing and distressed friend in was a biggie. Alas, it was all okay, we talked and talked and things felt clearer for her in the morning, albeit both with groggy heads as too much vino was consumed for a weeknight! They have patched things up and knowing how sexual their relationship is i would has at a guess, their bed (lounge, kitchen, shower, car and any other place really) is gonna be rocking for a few more days yet, yay for them.
I've had a cold all week as well, which is no big deal in it's self, but i can often get triggered when i'm ill, i'm not quite sure why i do but it is normally if i am housebound ill, but no triggers at all this time, just a red nose, watery eyes and a voice that sounds even more nasal than it normally does.
Had to deal with a mother crisis: not really a crisis but in mum's world everything is ten fold and i've learnt over the years that although i try not to react to her exageration, if i dont pay a visit and try to rationalize things with her it just gets bigger and bigger and actually doesn't benefit me. So, daughter duties undertaken, a major crisis avoided and a mum licking her wounds a bit i'm afraid as there needed to be some home truths about her current living situation, her proposed new living situation and her multiple relationships. Now without going into a 10 page write up on the in's and outs of what i feel about realtionships, i will keep it short and sweet and just get that it obviously goes alot deeper and there are a thousand more other things to consider.
My simplistic summary is: If everyone involved is honest, respectful, communicates well, knows and agree's what the boundries are, it is wanted by all parties: then great, it can absolutely work. There are so many different models of realationships and we are such a diverse society that one size most certainly does not fit all. Unfortunately my mum does the exact opposite of my summary, and she just doesn't get it, she can be so sneaky and dishonest - to the point where she actually believes her own dishonesty - its unbelieveable. And i actually had to point out to her that one of the things she was saying was actually just not true, but she gets so caught up in her own web of deceit that she couldn't see it. Arghhh
I also had a little accident in my car this week - all is okay and the beautiful car is not damaged, needed to just get my wheels realigned so no biggie. I spun it off the road in the heavy snowfall on Thursday evening. As much as i love this car, it is indeed the worse car i've had for how it handles in snow and ice, and it proved it to me!
The rest of my weekend goes like this: Working on some projects i need to get bits done on unitl this evening. Tonight, i'm out for a meal with my darts team (i'm not playing this season - the season started about 2 months after being in the soup and i just knew i couldn't commit to going every week so i gracefully gave my place up for the season, and i miss it, i miss the laughs, the competitive spirit and all the other teams we play, there really are some rockin people in our league).
Sunday, if all goes to plan and i get to finish my pieces of work today, i am having a work free day. Lunch is on the cards with a good friend, also told my ex-step mom (gets complicated!) that i would try and pop in for coffee, she just rocks and i've missed seeing her over the last few months, her partner has just had surgery on a knee injury he got while plalying football last week, so she is playing at being Florence Nightingale, and this i just have to see! Also, i'm planning to turn my TV on to watch some of the winter Olympic's. I really don't watch any TV, just doesn't do it for me. If i do watch it, it's because there is documentary on about something i want to see - if TV was just factual i would probably have it on more, but alas its not, its mostly fictional and yet people get caught up in watching this fictional world and basing their lives on opinions on these fictional characters which they end up believing is real life and comparing thier lives or experiences to it. Ummm. Don't get me wrong, i'm not adverse to the TV, there are some excellent drama's on and all this is okay so long as it's taken in the context of its supposed to be entertainment. And to be honest, it just doesn't do it for me, sitting in front of a big black box watching your life tick away, taking centre place in your lounge and being the focus of people's evenings - and yes, i'm aware that i am different than most people i know, but that just makes me, me :)
There has also been alot of politic's going on with work this week and it's been as frustrating as hell, but a collegue came up with a solution which just worked for a couple of us trusted people.
It can become somewhat frustrating to say the least when you are in a position at work where everything you say is taken as gospel, you always have to deliver the positive message, people look to you for the inspiration. Well sometimes i and a few others just want to be able to say " It's shit, i don't agree with...., no it's not the end of the fucking world because your wife is ill and you cant find a child minder and you left work early and didn't follow procedure, blah blah blah." I want to be able to say this with out others thinking that you don't give a shit, with out it coming back to hit you in the face, or most importantly people not taking your messages and advice and instruction seriously because they have seen a differen't side to you. I'm not sure if i'm making sense here. So, once a month we all have a managers briefing and a select few of us are going to wander off the local pub afterwards and just have a get it out session, with out fear of comeback, or with out people thinking we are not committed to the cause, and we are really looking forward to it and the first one is this Tues. Of course, there are trusted colleagues that i can do this with anyway, but often the chance to get together becomes impossible due to workloads, and as we all will be at these briefing it was the ideal opportunity. To be clear here, this isn't a bitch fest, it's about airing our opinions to trusted others with out it being taken out of context.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Okay, so something has to change around here, with my life, with the way i do things, with my routines etc.
This may be a little jumpy so i apologise for that right now.
Firstly, there has got to be some better organization around the house, now, i am about the most disorganized person in the world anyway, but still: this is bad even at my standards! Maybe i've been thinking some laundry fairy will come along as wash my clothes, wash the dishes and just keep on top of things, well little fairy, you've either gone to the wrong house or you are a figment of all our imaginations.
You know, i just can't seem to keep on top of things, and i know really, that aint nothing to worry about - as i dont normally, but there comes to a point where you realize that it really isn't helping - having a 9am meeting which is gonna take you an hour to get to and not finding any pants to wear can actually start to wear you down, so commando twice this week - seriously.
I realized this morning when i turned down a visit from a friend that it was because i couldn't bear someone to step into the house because of the state it is in - that is saying something when friends are used to my kind of messy tidyness.
So, I'm getting there - laundry is getting done, bugger the ironing, i don't really do ironing anyways to sure aint gonna start now, the washing up is done, the lounge is tidy, the home office is looking more respectable and in my bedroom, yay i can see the bed!
Reminder to self: Keep on top of it - it feels more workable.
I've also had a little move round in the office, which should make things a bit easier, and i caught up with alot of filing today. Just got to do some shredding as my shredding pile is now taller than my filing file :P
Heating and hot water - yeah, i still haven't got any and i dont think it helps when it comes to washing up and generally living in one room because its so freaking cold everywhere else in the house. So, a little finance check and with no council tax to pay for the next 2 months it leaves me with £200 that i woulodn't normally have, so tomorrow, i'm contacting someone to come and have a look - if it costs more than that its tough shit really, and again it will have to wait.
Mobile phone: I really don't like my phone, my contract or anything about it really (this is my personal phone here, not the work ones). Now when it comes to free minutes, i'm not really fussed, i hardly use it for talking on - which is a bit banana's coming from someone who sepnds most of their day communicating with people, but i really hate talking on the phone, so. I do use it for texting, and use it most for internet/e-mail, mainly for accessing work e-mails and trust me, if i couldn't do this my work load would be even greater, the amount of small pieces of work i get done while waiting for meetings etc is amazing, so i need this. So, i contacts Vodafone and yay i've done it. Got a new phone coming, free internet, texting and web based apps, also has lots of memory so can store tunes and an excellent camera for those had to be there moments. Oh yeah, comes with 900 free mins a month, which means i will use about 2 of them!
Car: I love my car, if i haven't told you that before then i must have been feeling crap :) i loved all my cars, but this one is differen't, its got a kind of personality to it, know what i mean, yes? Anyhow, i've neglected it a bit lately, it looks like an ashtray inside, it is dirty on the outside beyond belief and i have to get my brakes done, like yesterday. So little car, its your turn tomorrow, i promise you, the brakes might have to wait til payday though.
Health: Okay, so i haven't taken my medication for like a couple of months now for my skin condition - its not that i don't want to take them, its just that i ran out, lost my prescription (well, put it somewhere safe) and kind of never thought about it, hence 2 months on and i'm flaring up like a firework, so must go Doc spoc to get that sorted, while i'm there, i might (no promises here, just might) get the results from a scan thing i had about 5 months ago. I do also really need to book in with the Osteopath, although my back is so much better than it was months ago, its starting to deteriorate and waking in the mornings has gone back to doing my back exercises before i step out of bed - which for me is the start of the decline, so i need to just stop putting it off and make the call.
Oh, and still no periods, i do in fact rule! I'm guessing here that it is probably not healthy, but we know what its about, so i don't feel thats something to worry about, kind of feels like the only blessing in all of this!
I'm going to be making a worky decision tomorrow (wel, i've made it actually, more of i will informing them tomorrow) this is that the I.T. dept have just got no fucking idea of what services rely so much on the server being up and running at the weekend, to the point where one part of my gig i just cannot manage with out running, full stop. Now i know there needs to be some maintainance on the servers, but it needs to be better planned than it is now, more so at the weekend it needs to be running effectively, not fucking turned off for maintainance. I had to fly across the county on Friday afternoon to the server because it appeared some 'very thoughtful and environmentally conscious person' thought they would turn (ext4) the server off - which just leaves the main server running. Now, there is a fucking big sign by it saying must be on 24/7 in the event of needing to turn off please contact...me. So i sorted it.
10am this morning, my work phones start to act like they have taken speed - the problem, the server isn't working, which for this part of my gig means the whole of the county cannot see or access my emergency beds. Long story short, turned off for maintainance - i drove there, takes about an hour, and i actually feel for the I.T. guy to have this frothing at the mouth woman standing there, trying to calmly but firmly ask them what the fuck they are doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. So, back to my plan, i need a meeting with I.T. like now, to discuss how the maintainance of the server affects essential services and what are we gonna do about it. I have solutions for them and they so better listen to them.
All the above aside, its been a pretty crap week. I had what i can only describe as a panic attack, flashback and trigger breakdown. So, i turned to drink, yay Vodka i needed you and you provided :) Now i dont recommend it, but i was in so much physical and emotional pain that it was my only solution. My friend got the ramblings of it by e-mail, not sure how i managed it, but, i did, and she was so okay with it, it is indeed a miracle when someone takes what they can from an incoherent e-mail, reassures you and still say's they will be there for you, and is, hours later when i was still triggering just by breathing, was still there for me. I'm just so, so lucky, i know.
I have my first counseling appt this week, assessment done the other week and now its down to the work. I want this, i need this, how can you not want or need something that can only help you, yet, i don't. I'm just scared of the process, don't want to be vulnerable in front of someone for this, have no problem with being vulnerable about anything else, just not this. I know, this is just a normal reaction and i guess i will get over it, and mostly, its in-person back up support for the things i talk to my friend about. I also know i have got to grab this chance, right back to day one, i felt this was my last chance to get this sorted, sorted as in it doesn't define me, it doesn't rule my life, each day doesn't hinge on whether i will have flashbacks, sorted to the point where i can process it, and learn to live with it as part of my life experiences, like anything else has or does up to this point in my life. I have got a life to live, i lived it pretty well for some time, and i want that back and more and this is what i need to remind myself this process is all about.
This may be a little jumpy so i apologise for that right now.
Firstly, there has got to be some better organization around the house, now, i am about the most disorganized person in the world anyway, but still: this is bad even at my standards! Maybe i've been thinking some laundry fairy will come along as wash my clothes, wash the dishes and just keep on top of things, well little fairy, you've either gone to the wrong house or you are a figment of all our imaginations.
You know, i just can't seem to keep on top of things, and i know really, that aint nothing to worry about - as i dont normally, but there comes to a point where you realize that it really isn't helping - having a 9am meeting which is gonna take you an hour to get to and not finding any pants to wear can actually start to wear you down, so commando twice this week - seriously.
I realized this morning when i turned down a visit from a friend that it was because i couldn't bear someone to step into the house because of the state it is in - that is saying something when friends are used to my kind of messy tidyness.
So, I'm getting there - laundry is getting done, bugger the ironing, i don't really do ironing anyways to sure aint gonna start now, the washing up is done, the lounge is tidy, the home office is looking more respectable and in my bedroom, yay i can see the bed!
Reminder to self: Keep on top of it - it feels more workable.
I've also had a little move round in the office, which should make things a bit easier, and i caught up with alot of filing today. Just got to do some shredding as my shredding pile is now taller than my filing file :P
Heating and hot water - yeah, i still haven't got any and i dont think it helps when it comes to washing up and generally living in one room because its so freaking cold everywhere else in the house. So, a little finance check and with no council tax to pay for the next 2 months it leaves me with £200 that i woulodn't normally have, so tomorrow, i'm contacting someone to come and have a look - if it costs more than that its tough shit really, and again it will have to wait.
Mobile phone: I really don't like my phone, my contract or anything about it really (this is my personal phone here, not the work ones). Now when it comes to free minutes, i'm not really fussed, i hardly use it for talking on - which is a bit banana's coming from someone who sepnds most of their day communicating with people, but i really hate talking on the phone, so. I do use it for texting, and use it most for internet/e-mail, mainly for accessing work e-mails and trust me, if i couldn't do this my work load would be even greater, the amount of small pieces of work i get done while waiting for meetings etc is amazing, so i need this. So, i contacts Vodafone and yay i've done it. Got a new phone coming, free internet, texting and web based apps, also has lots of memory so can store tunes and an excellent camera for those had to be there moments. Oh yeah, comes with 900 free mins a month, which means i will use about 2 of them!
Car: I love my car, if i haven't told you that before then i must have been feeling crap :) i loved all my cars, but this one is differen't, its got a kind of personality to it, know what i mean, yes? Anyhow, i've neglected it a bit lately, it looks like an ashtray inside, it is dirty on the outside beyond belief and i have to get my brakes done, like yesterday. So little car, its your turn tomorrow, i promise you, the brakes might have to wait til payday though.
Health: Okay, so i haven't taken my medication for like a couple of months now for my skin condition - its not that i don't want to take them, its just that i ran out, lost my prescription (well, put it somewhere safe) and kind of never thought about it, hence 2 months on and i'm flaring up like a firework, so must go Doc spoc to get that sorted, while i'm there, i might (no promises here, just might) get the results from a scan thing i had about 5 months ago. I do also really need to book in with the Osteopath, although my back is so much better than it was months ago, its starting to deteriorate and waking in the mornings has gone back to doing my back exercises before i step out of bed - which for me is the start of the decline, so i need to just stop putting it off and make the call.
Oh, and still no periods, i do in fact rule! I'm guessing here that it is probably not healthy, but we know what its about, so i don't feel thats something to worry about, kind of feels like the only blessing in all of this!
I'm going to be making a worky decision tomorrow (wel, i've made it actually, more of i will informing them tomorrow) this is that the I.T. dept have just got no fucking idea of what services rely so much on the server being up and running at the weekend, to the point where one part of my gig i just cannot manage with out running, full stop. Now i know there needs to be some maintainance on the servers, but it needs to be better planned than it is now, more so at the weekend it needs to be running effectively, not fucking turned off for maintainance. I had to fly across the county on Friday afternoon to the server because it appeared some 'very thoughtful and environmentally conscious person' thought they would turn (ext4) the server off - which just leaves the main server running. Now, there is a fucking big sign by it saying must be on 24/7 in the event of needing to turn off please contact...me. So i sorted it.
10am this morning, my work phones start to act like they have taken speed - the problem, the server isn't working, which for this part of my gig means the whole of the county cannot see or access my emergency beds. Long story short, turned off for maintainance - i drove there, takes about an hour, and i actually feel for the I.T. guy to have this frothing at the mouth woman standing there, trying to calmly but firmly ask them what the fuck they are doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. So, back to my plan, i need a meeting with I.T. like now, to discuss how the maintainance of the server affects essential services and what are we gonna do about it. I have solutions for them and they so better listen to them.
All the above aside, its been a pretty crap week. I had what i can only describe as a panic attack, flashback and trigger breakdown. So, i turned to drink, yay Vodka i needed you and you provided :) Now i dont recommend it, but i was in so much physical and emotional pain that it was my only solution. My friend got the ramblings of it by e-mail, not sure how i managed it, but, i did, and she was so okay with it, it is indeed a miracle when someone takes what they can from an incoherent e-mail, reassures you and still say's they will be there for you, and is, hours later when i was still triggering just by breathing, was still there for me. I'm just so, so lucky, i know.
I have my first counseling appt this week, assessment done the other week and now its down to the work. I want this, i need this, how can you not want or need something that can only help you, yet, i don't. I'm just scared of the process, don't want to be vulnerable in front of someone for this, have no problem with being vulnerable about anything else, just not this. I know, this is just a normal reaction and i guess i will get over it, and mostly, its in-person back up support for the things i talk to my friend about. I also know i have got to grab this chance, right back to day one, i felt this was my last chance to get this sorted, sorted as in it doesn't define me, it doesn't rule my life, each day doesn't hinge on whether i will have flashbacks, sorted to the point where i can process it, and learn to live with it as part of my life experiences, like anything else has or does up to this point in my life. I have got a life to live, i lived it pretty well for some time, and i want that back and more and this is what i need to remind myself this process is all about.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Okay, so i'm here because I just dont know what to do with myself, not as in i have nothing to do, i have so much to freaking do, but because i kind of feel stuck, again.
Had a really busy week at work, unannounced inspections, workshops and a quarantineable infection, its what i do and i love it, so no issue here, just takes its toll when you are not functioning 100%.
Had the counseling assessment this week, i was pissed off with it afterwards, for a couple of days i guess. Why? Because i felt like i was being judged i guess - of course i wasn't, its about them getting the information they need to support me appropriately, i know that, but i guess i wasn't prepared for direct questions by someone i dont know or trust. Had to fight with myself to give them the information - struggled between telling them that i wasn't ready to share that information and just giving it to them, which i did, mostly i think because at the moment i seem to want to really want to go to counseling, i have to get this sorted, i know myself and i also know that some days i am only just hanging on, and other days when it lifts i am getting really pissed with myself for letting it get to me - and i've kind of just had enough of it - completely.
There are times when i just want to shake myself so hard, just let it out and move on, i don't want to be this person who just feels consumed by abuse and thought of abuse, who finds new triggers which then activate another flashback. I also know its not as easy as this but this is where i'm at.
the last flashback episode drained me - emotionally and physically to a point where it didn't seem possible, trust me on this one, i cant keep going to places so dark, its not realistic, healthy or okay for me.
You see, the really frustrating thing is they just keep coming, there is hardly no break inbetween, couple of days at the most and even then although i feel so much better i still feel so raw. So a couple of days ago, i get a new trigger, from completely out of the blue, and a flashback starts. I'm like, c'mon, give it a fucking rest.
So, i'm playing a new tactic! i'm just not buying into it, i'm not going there, i know what its about, its no big deal, it is just a situation, something that happened a few times, honestly here, i'm not minimizing it, i have to be completely open about this, whether its because there was so much that happened in the years i was abused or just because i have already dealt with stuff i'm not sure, but sometimes there are no emotions attached to a specific situation, it just was what it was, fact. So with this one, i'm not going to let it fuck with my head, i rememebr it, i remember why it was done, in fact if i was to get a flashback about why it was done, that may be different, but it isnt, its just about one thing, and i'm okay with it. So, i'm just gonna let it play itself out and toss it away. surely, i must be able to have some control somewhere with this, but if it gets to the point its messing with me i will just be able to get it down to my friend in normal mode because it is no big deal.
I was talking to someone i just met at 3am this morning, really nice guy, and, he blew me away with some of things he was telling me, you know, sometimes, to hear about someone else's life, in-person, it can snap you into getting some perspective on your own life. obviously, its not my story to tell, so i wont be telling it here, but it moved me immensely. Listening to someone who you have never met before, who felt comfortable enough to share with me some of the truely harrowing parts of his life, some of which he has not told anyone before is an honour (none of this was about abuse). We hugged and he told me he had not hugged anyone in six years. As he walked away, he turned back to me and said " i truely believe you were meant to be here tonight, we were meant to meet", he walks back to me, kisses me on the cheek, smiles and calls me an angel. I have never been called that before i doubt i will again, kind of doesn't quite fit me, but he was an inspiration to me.
My emotions just feel like a rollercoaster, more so today. Everything is relative, i get that, but meeting Chris last night has really made me think about my life, where i'm at, my journey to get here today and who knows the journey ahead. One thing i do know for certain know is that life can deal people some shit cards, and it isn't the shit cards that define us, it's what we do with the shit cards that shows our strength and courage, thats what matters. And it's not about how quick we deal with it, everything has a process, everyone processes and deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong in the process, it is what it is.
So, i'm going to just make some statements here and maybe address them another day, but this is what i've got for now, about then, now and other random stuff in my head.
1) I know the abuse was not my fault - I know that, but i slip on rough days between knowing that and thinking there was some responsibility on my part with specific situations, and this is because it somehow makes it easier to deal with thinking there was some accountability there on my part.
2) I feel tremendous guilt for the girl who was abused once by them and i being made to abuse her too. Now i know there was nothing i could have done, i had no choice there, but i cant get past that i still done things to her, i cant get past her face looking at me, i can see her and she haunts me.
3) The death of another adult, it just fucks with my head, i just don't know where to start with it, it triggers me instantly and i can't see me ever getting to talking about it with out triggering.
4) There are some situations that just do not have any emotions/thoughts/feeling attached to them, they just happened. It worries me that there may be feelings attached but i just cant get to them and its something to come.
5) I have some flashbacks thaqt i dont recall at all, i can happily pack them away as didn't happen, no matter how scary they are. I am aware that it maybe that these things did happen, it doesnt particulary bother me as they don't have impact on me, but it worries me if one day they do.
6) It worries me sometimes that there are ALOT of photo's of me, it worries me who has these, are they still about, what happened to them. I know there is nothing i can do about it, but knowing there are photo's of you as a 9/10/11 year old being abused kind of doesn't sit well.
7) I am scared on the counseling process, of talking about stuff, talking about feelings, being vulnerable in front of someone. This isn't me as a person, with anything else i can be vulnerable with people i trust, just so difficult with this, and i'm so tempted just to run.
8) I worry about not managing my job, being in the soup for days on end is not beneficial for me, my customers or the staff and managers who i support.How long can i keep this up for.
9) There are somethings that i just don't know if i can talk about, i really cant see me saying the words, it worries me that if these things come in flashback mode, i'm fucked. Yet i know there is no point in going through this process if i dont purge all of it. I don't know how other people deal with process, but for me, what works is saying what happened, it kind of releases it, it doesn't help to just write it or acknowledge it, it has to actually be told to someone - kind of like if 1 other person knows then its not a secret anymore.
10) I fear sometimes i'm not going to get through it and come out the otherside. The really dark days can be that bad with memories and flashbacks.
11) I wonder if i will ever be sexual with anyone, will i ever be able to trust someone enough.
12) This is just something i have never said before and it is becoming a bit of an issue, so just going to put it down. Sunset time, that kind of twilight time can really trigger me if i'm not in the right place in my head, or if i am ok, i find it awesome. Lately, its been triggering, massively so, and its a sort of panic trigger, but i can't relate it to anything. Its beoming more intense and find myself starting avoid being outside at this time of day - it only happens when i am outside. its starting to feel so intense that i have a couple of times this week been on the verge of tears, which is difficult when i'm just not down for crying. Ummmm
Thats just some stuff thats in my head right now, and just felt okay to get them down.
For now, i have some grunt work i really should be doing for work, and tomorrow, bar an absolute emergency, i'm taking the whole day off, seriously, the whole day.
Had a really busy week at work, unannounced inspections, workshops and a quarantineable infection, its what i do and i love it, so no issue here, just takes its toll when you are not functioning 100%.
Had the counseling assessment this week, i was pissed off with it afterwards, for a couple of days i guess. Why? Because i felt like i was being judged i guess - of course i wasn't, its about them getting the information they need to support me appropriately, i know that, but i guess i wasn't prepared for direct questions by someone i dont know or trust. Had to fight with myself to give them the information - struggled between telling them that i wasn't ready to share that information and just giving it to them, which i did, mostly i think because at the moment i seem to want to really want to go to counseling, i have to get this sorted, i know myself and i also know that some days i am only just hanging on, and other days when it lifts i am getting really pissed with myself for letting it get to me - and i've kind of just had enough of it - completely.
There are times when i just want to shake myself so hard, just let it out and move on, i don't want to be this person who just feels consumed by abuse and thought of abuse, who finds new triggers which then activate another flashback. I also know its not as easy as this but this is where i'm at.
the last flashback episode drained me - emotionally and physically to a point where it didn't seem possible, trust me on this one, i cant keep going to places so dark, its not realistic, healthy or okay for me.
You see, the really frustrating thing is they just keep coming, there is hardly no break inbetween, couple of days at the most and even then although i feel so much better i still feel so raw. So a couple of days ago, i get a new trigger, from completely out of the blue, and a flashback starts. I'm like, c'mon, give it a fucking rest.
So, i'm playing a new tactic! i'm just not buying into it, i'm not going there, i know what its about, its no big deal, it is just a situation, something that happened a few times, honestly here, i'm not minimizing it, i have to be completely open about this, whether its because there was so much that happened in the years i was abused or just because i have already dealt with stuff i'm not sure, but sometimes there are no emotions attached to a specific situation, it just was what it was, fact. So with this one, i'm not going to let it fuck with my head, i rememebr it, i remember why it was done, in fact if i was to get a flashback about why it was done, that may be different, but it isnt, its just about one thing, and i'm okay with it. So, i'm just gonna let it play itself out and toss it away. surely, i must be able to have some control somewhere with this, but if it gets to the point its messing with me i will just be able to get it down to my friend in normal mode because it is no big deal.
I was talking to someone i just met at 3am this morning, really nice guy, and, he blew me away with some of things he was telling me, you know, sometimes, to hear about someone else's life, in-person, it can snap you into getting some perspective on your own life. obviously, its not my story to tell, so i wont be telling it here, but it moved me immensely. Listening to someone who you have never met before, who felt comfortable enough to share with me some of the truely harrowing parts of his life, some of which he has not told anyone before is an honour (none of this was about abuse). We hugged and he told me he had not hugged anyone in six years. As he walked away, he turned back to me and said " i truely believe you were meant to be here tonight, we were meant to meet", he walks back to me, kisses me on the cheek, smiles and calls me an angel. I have never been called that before i doubt i will again, kind of doesn't quite fit me, but he was an inspiration to me.
My emotions just feel like a rollercoaster, more so today. Everything is relative, i get that, but meeting Chris last night has really made me think about my life, where i'm at, my journey to get here today and who knows the journey ahead. One thing i do know for certain know is that life can deal people some shit cards, and it isn't the shit cards that define us, it's what we do with the shit cards that shows our strength and courage, thats what matters. And it's not about how quick we deal with it, everything has a process, everyone processes and deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong in the process, it is what it is.
So, i'm going to just make some statements here and maybe address them another day, but this is what i've got for now, about then, now and other random stuff in my head.
1) I know the abuse was not my fault - I know that, but i slip on rough days between knowing that and thinking there was some responsibility on my part with specific situations, and this is because it somehow makes it easier to deal with thinking there was some accountability there on my part.
2) I feel tremendous guilt for the girl who was abused once by them and i being made to abuse her too. Now i know there was nothing i could have done, i had no choice there, but i cant get past that i still done things to her, i cant get past her face looking at me, i can see her and she haunts me.
3) The death of another adult, it just fucks with my head, i just don't know where to start with it, it triggers me instantly and i can't see me ever getting to talking about it with out triggering.
4) There are some situations that just do not have any emotions/thoughts/feeling attached to them, they just happened. It worries me that there may be feelings attached but i just cant get to them and its something to come.
5) I have some flashbacks thaqt i dont recall at all, i can happily pack them away as didn't happen, no matter how scary they are. I am aware that it maybe that these things did happen, it doesnt particulary bother me as they don't have impact on me, but it worries me if one day they do.
6) It worries me sometimes that there are ALOT of photo's of me, it worries me who has these, are they still about, what happened to them. I know there is nothing i can do about it, but knowing there are photo's of you as a 9/10/11 year old being abused kind of doesn't sit well.
7) I am scared on the counseling process, of talking about stuff, talking about feelings, being vulnerable in front of someone. This isn't me as a person, with anything else i can be vulnerable with people i trust, just so difficult with this, and i'm so tempted just to run.
8) I worry about not managing my job, being in the soup for days on end is not beneficial for me, my customers or the staff and managers who i support.How long can i keep this up for.
9) There are somethings that i just don't know if i can talk about, i really cant see me saying the words, it worries me that if these things come in flashback mode, i'm fucked. Yet i know there is no point in going through this process if i dont purge all of it. I don't know how other people deal with process, but for me, what works is saying what happened, it kind of releases it, it doesn't help to just write it or acknowledge it, it has to actually be told to someone - kind of like if 1 other person knows then its not a secret anymore.
10) I fear sometimes i'm not going to get through it and come out the otherside. The really dark days can be that bad with memories and flashbacks.
11) I wonder if i will ever be sexual with anyone, will i ever be able to trust someone enough.
12) This is just something i have never said before and it is becoming a bit of an issue, so just going to put it down. Sunset time, that kind of twilight time can really trigger me if i'm not in the right place in my head, or if i am ok, i find it awesome. Lately, its been triggering, massively so, and its a sort of panic trigger, but i can't relate it to anything. Its beoming more intense and find myself starting avoid being outside at this time of day - it only happens when i am outside. its starting to feel so intense that i have a couple of times this week been on the verge of tears, which is difficult when i'm just not down for crying. Ummmm
Thats just some stuff thats in my head right now, and just felt okay to get them down.
For now, i have some grunt work i really should be doing for work, and tomorrow, bar an absolute emergency, i'm taking the whole day off, seriously, the whole day.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Just needing to vent.
So, had a better couple of days, catching up on work i have missed and getting back into things. Caught up with some friends for coffee and did a bit of FB and twitter so no body gets to notice i have been in the soup - this is a tricky one sometimes as i normally am a bit unreachable for a few days at a time because work is hellishly busy and nearly always takes up whole days and evenings when its like this, but then there is some light and i can get back to people etc. Some days at the moment, i'm unreachable because i am so deep in shit, then when i get out the other side i have so much fucking catching up to do the cycle just continues. Grr
So today, as much as i have got so much work i really need to be getting on with i decided it was going to be a work free day and have it as a "me" day. Yay.
So, up early as i am a morning person (and a night person i guess) and there is just this weight on me, it has lifted the last few days as i have been working through this last lot of crap, and probably had the nest noghts sleep i have had in a couple of weeks. Nothing major happened yesterday, busy for sure, but all good.
So my day, with plans of having a super bike ride first thing, meeting up with a buddy for some lunch, meeting my mum who i havent caught up with for a few weeks, having some time to me to potter round the house and tend to things that i have neglected and then later, my friends have invited me for a meal. yep, top day, with some awesome people and some me time.
AGHHHHH. I don't feel like i did yesterday, there is this weight on me, like a dark cloud sitting on my shoulders, its okay though, bollox to it i thought, all is ok, its just a feeling. Chucked my bike in the back of my car and drove to a super place for biking about 30 miles from where i live, it was pretty quiet and cold first thing and i knew i was going to push myself (which is a top feeling when you do and i kind of like the release feeling afterwards when your muscles have been burning up and then they start to relax), so off i set and all going well, i am pushing myself, legs are burning and then it happens - i just cant do it, i can go on. I stop my bike and get off and feel so overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, thats the only way i can explain it, just despair and nothingness. I sit on the floor by the side of the lake and was just racked with sobs, kind of uncontrolable sobbing where it wouldnt have mattered if anyone came by i couldnt have stopped them, i just bawled for about 20 mins with no let up. I cant recall actually thinking anything, it was like it wasnt a part of me. I eventually stopped spent some time just thinking, hopped on my bike and rode back to the car in a very slow ride. What is that about?
Thing is I don't really cry much, hardly at all, to be honest, i think it relates back to my childhood, not just form the abuse stuff but from my folks as well, also it doesn't help, if i could have a good bawl and feel a bit better afterwards then i sure would do it, but it doesn't. It triggers me. i get triggers if other people are deeply upset, I'm ok if other have a few tears but if someone is bawling big time i'm useless. its all a bit strange because i am a softie as well, i can have a tear at a sad movie, or if i read something really moving i can have a tear, but its 1 or 2 silent tears. Yet, anything to do with animals suffering triggers me and i lose it completely, i am indeed so bad with this that i cant read or watch anything with animals being the main part, even if its good stuff, its a no way. Not even with a happy ending. So much so that all who know me in person know this and i simply have 1 stead fast rule, you do not tell me: period. I have been known to big time have a fall out with people over this, i state my boundries quite clear but some people think it is is okay to overstep them, carry on telling me, saying its okay because it ends well - i cant do it. That said, i rescue animals if i ever i come across one that needs rescuing, but it screws me up.
All that said, i am absolutley fine with pets who need to go vets, and people telling me this, i'm not saying i dont get upset when my cat used to go vets or friends animals do, but its fine. I think there is something here about animals being so vulnerable and at humans mercy, but i cant deal with the other stuff. I cant even take the kids to the pictures as i dont do animated films, its too close a call. I could say a few more bits here but alas i'm not in the right head space and really dont want to trigger myself.
So, back to today, i'm home from my sobbing episode. I rain checked lunch with my buddy :(
But the rest of my day is going to be okay, i'm still going to meet my mum and go round friends tonight and just try to chill a bit, i wish i could shake the heavy feeling but i cant, but its not going to stop me today.
Some other things: A good friend has been accepted on fertility treatment, this makes her day so much, they have been trying for kids for so long and time is running out a bit for them, and this is the best news they have had in ages. Of course, there is still a long way to go for them, but it's def on the right track for them.
I signed up yesterday to the YMCA sleep easy event next Friday, its a charity close to my heart, so i'm more than willing. We get to sleep rough for the night to raise money for the local youth homeless shelter. (i got just over £200 in sponsor money yesterday alone so all looking good) and i get to network with so many others. Reminder to self: Do not take any volunteer opportunities as a committment. I do already do little bits of support, but had to reduce my support massively in the last couple of months as i just cant commit at present. It sucks for sure, but it sucks more letting people down.
Something really made me laugh yesterday, a memeber of staff at my new gig asked me yesterday why i didn't have the car that i really wanted. Long story short here, i love my car, my car is important to me, its personal, i love this car in particular, its the colour Blue which is my fav colour, its a bit sporty, its the car i saved for and drove 200 miles to pick up, and my car is the one of the very few spaces that i feel really safe in, but alas there are other cars which if i had money i would like. So this staff asks me the question and i explain that even 5 years old cars are around £10,000 and that sort of money is so far out of reach - probably for ever. She looks at me confused and it appeared that because i in theory do 3 people's jobs she thought i got 3 peoples wages. Ha!!!
Oh to be naive and think that and live in the ideal world! After explaining that no, i get 1 wage, and i live on my own, and things can get pretty tight when unexpected costs occur. Not knowing her very well i didnt go into anymore detail, if only she knews that albeit its the middle of winter i still dont have heating or hot water as i cant afford to get it fixed. There is also this assumption that because i have my own house on mortgage that i have money. That would be a no then, dont get me wrong, i am so so lucky to have my own house, but it was something i really wanted at the time and house prices were really low compared to now, i pay much less mortgage than anyone i know who pays rent, i just purchased at the right time i guess. Of couse, there are draw backs, i dont get to call a landlord to fix my heating, to replace my window which is rotten, or re glaze the back door after a little accident i had last year (oops), but it makes me feel safe knowing that i can stay here as long as i want and no one can take it from me. When it comes to money as well - its not something i particulary like to talk about, i would go as far to say i hate it, lets trade in pebbles instead! That said, if i have any spare left over at the end of the month i cant hold on to it, i like buying little gifts for friends, little surprises, or like this month, i had £20 spare (fags and petrol accounted for) and my eldest Nephew had no credit on his phone - i cant see him suffer and not speak to his new young love on the phone so i topped his phone up. Soft, maybe, but when you are 15 it is the most important thing in the world to him right now and he has my heart, so. Although, my sister texted me last night to blame me (laughing) that he was singing a song that he heard in my car, and ends with the chorus, sing, you motherfuckers sing! The Dresden Dolls rock and now he is their number 1 fan but for all the wrong reasons!
So, had a better couple of days, catching up on work i have missed and getting back into things. Caught up with some friends for coffee and did a bit of FB and twitter so no body gets to notice i have been in the soup - this is a tricky one sometimes as i normally am a bit unreachable for a few days at a time because work is hellishly busy and nearly always takes up whole days and evenings when its like this, but then there is some light and i can get back to people etc. Some days at the moment, i'm unreachable because i am so deep in shit, then when i get out the other side i have so much fucking catching up to do the cycle just continues. Grr
So today, as much as i have got so much work i really need to be getting on with i decided it was going to be a work free day and have it as a "me" day. Yay.
So, up early as i am a morning person (and a night person i guess) and there is just this weight on me, it has lifted the last few days as i have been working through this last lot of crap, and probably had the nest noghts sleep i have had in a couple of weeks. Nothing major happened yesterday, busy for sure, but all good.
So my day, with plans of having a super bike ride first thing, meeting up with a buddy for some lunch, meeting my mum who i havent caught up with for a few weeks, having some time to me to potter round the house and tend to things that i have neglected and then later, my friends have invited me for a meal. yep, top day, with some awesome people and some me time.
AGHHHHH. I don't feel like i did yesterday, there is this weight on me, like a dark cloud sitting on my shoulders, its okay though, bollox to it i thought, all is ok, its just a feeling. Chucked my bike in the back of my car and drove to a super place for biking about 30 miles from where i live, it was pretty quiet and cold first thing and i knew i was going to push myself (which is a top feeling when you do and i kind of like the release feeling afterwards when your muscles have been burning up and then they start to relax), so off i set and all going well, i am pushing myself, legs are burning and then it happens - i just cant do it, i can go on. I stop my bike and get off and feel so overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, thats the only way i can explain it, just despair and nothingness. I sit on the floor by the side of the lake and was just racked with sobs, kind of uncontrolable sobbing where it wouldnt have mattered if anyone came by i couldnt have stopped them, i just bawled for about 20 mins with no let up. I cant recall actually thinking anything, it was like it wasnt a part of me. I eventually stopped spent some time just thinking, hopped on my bike and rode back to the car in a very slow ride. What is that about?
Thing is I don't really cry much, hardly at all, to be honest, i think it relates back to my childhood, not just form the abuse stuff but from my folks as well, also it doesn't help, if i could have a good bawl and feel a bit better afterwards then i sure would do it, but it doesn't. It triggers me. i get triggers if other people are deeply upset, I'm ok if other have a few tears but if someone is bawling big time i'm useless. its all a bit strange because i am a softie as well, i can have a tear at a sad movie, or if i read something really moving i can have a tear, but its 1 or 2 silent tears. Yet, anything to do with animals suffering triggers me and i lose it completely, i am indeed so bad with this that i cant read or watch anything with animals being the main part, even if its good stuff, its a no way. Not even with a happy ending. So much so that all who know me in person know this and i simply have 1 stead fast rule, you do not tell me: period. I have been known to big time have a fall out with people over this, i state my boundries quite clear but some people think it is is okay to overstep them, carry on telling me, saying its okay because it ends well - i cant do it. That said, i rescue animals if i ever i come across one that needs rescuing, but it screws me up.
All that said, i am absolutley fine with pets who need to go vets, and people telling me this, i'm not saying i dont get upset when my cat used to go vets or friends animals do, but its fine. I think there is something here about animals being so vulnerable and at humans mercy, but i cant deal with the other stuff. I cant even take the kids to the pictures as i dont do animated films, its too close a call. I could say a few more bits here but alas i'm not in the right head space and really dont want to trigger myself.
So, back to today, i'm home from my sobbing episode. I rain checked lunch with my buddy :(
But the rest of my day is going to be okay, i'm still going to meet my mum and go round friends tonight and just try to chill a bit, i wish i could shake the heavy feeling but i cant, but its not going to stop me today.
Some other things: A good friend has been accepted on fertility treatment, this makes her day so much, they have been trying for kids for so long and time is running out a bit for them, and this is the best news they have had in ages. Of course, there is still a long way to go for them, but it's def on the right track for them.
I signed up yesterday to the YMCA sleep easy event next Friday, its a charity close to my heart, so i'm more than willing. We get to sleep rough for the night to raise money for the local youth homeless shelter. (i got just over £200 in sponsor money yesterday alone so all looking good) and i get to network with so many others. Reminder to self: Do not take any volunteer opportunities as a committment. I do already do little bits of support, but had to reduce my support massively in the last couple of months as i just cant commit at present. It sucks for sure, but it sucks more letting people down.
Something really made me laugh yesterday, a memeber of staff at my new gig asked me yesterday why i didn't have the car that i really wanted. Long story short here, i love my car, my car is important to me, its personal, i love this car in particular, its the colour Blue which is my fav colour, its a bit sporty, its the car i saved for and drove 200 miles to pick up, and my car is the one of the very few spaces that i feel really safe in, but alas there are other cars which if i had money i would like. So this staff asks me the question and i explain that even 5 years old cars are around £10,000 and that sort of money is so far out of reach - probably for ever. She looks at me confused and it appeared that because i in theory do 3 people's jobs she thought i got 3 peoples wages. Ha!!!
Oh to be naive and think that and live in the ideal world! After explaining that no, i get 1 wage, and i live on my own, and things can get pretty tight when unexpected costs occur. Not knowing her very well i didnt go into anymore detail, if only she knews that albeit its the middle of winter i still dont have heating or hot water as i cant afford to get it fixed. There is also this assumption that because i have my own house on mortgage that i have money. That would be a no then, dont get me wrong, i am so so lucky to have my own house, but it was something i really wanted at the time and house prices were really low compared to now, i pay much less mortgage than anyone i know who pays rent, i just purchased at the right time i guess. Of couse, there are draw backs, i dont get to call a landlord to fix my heating, to replace my window which is rotten, or re glaze the back door after a little accident i had last year (oops), but it makes me feel safe knowing that i can stay here as long as i want and no one can take it from me. When it comes to money as well - its not something i particulary like to talk about, i would go as far to say i hate it, lets trade in pebbles instead! That said, if i have any spare left over at the end of the month i cant hold on to it, i like buying little gifts for friends, little surprises, or like this month, i had £20 spare (fags and petrol accounted for) and my eldest Nephew had no credit on his phone - i cant see him suffer and not speak to his new young love on the phone so i topped his phone up. Soft, maybe, but when you are 15 it is the most important thing in the world to him right now and he has my heart, so. Although, my sister texted me last night to blame me (laughing) that he was singing a song that he heard in my car, and ends with the chorus, sing, you motherfuckers sing! The Dresden Dolls rock and now he is their number 1 fan but for all the wrong reasons!
Friday, 29 January 2010
Okay, so been pretty deeply in the soup for the last week, probably the worst i have felt in such a long stretch for a while. The culprit: A Flashback that decided to play on repeat mode, was nearly impossible to talk about, couldn't get no perspective on it as i couldn't hold it without slipping into the flashback. Umm.
So, i'm pretty much out the other side of it, yay woohoo yay :)
Seriously, it has been rough. I have more perspective on it now, can hold it as an adult and can view it objectively. Gotta just say though, for my own record here, there were some fleeting moments of absolute helplessness while this has been happening for the last week, frustrated at myself for feeling "stuck", frustrated because this wasn't something i didn't know about, i knew about it, remembered it and could hold it ok - so just frustrated that it came as a very vivid muti-sensory flashback that became unmanageable with in days. What is that about?
Linked in with that is a concern that other situations that i can hold perfectly well, now, and have done for years coming back in flashback mode. This concerns me for a few of reasons:
1) Surely i don't need to talk about everything that happened to me - some things just happened: Fact:
2) There are somethings that i really don't want to talk about - but if they come at me like this one did i'm not going to have alot of choice. This isn't fully about specific incidents, okay, some of it is, but others is about some thoughts/feelings/memories and things i didn't understand then, that although i understand now, i didn't then and the memories of have of this.
3) I absolutely don't have time or energy to be dealing with this level of intense emotional processes. That isn't saying i'm not invested in healing, of course i am, but i couldn't do this last week on a regular basis.
4) It feels like it knocks me back so much, in every area of my life and i want to be progressing.
You know what is the most vulnerable feeling: knowing that when it hits, there is fuck all i can do about it, i have tried believe me. It really is like a 18 wheeler truck coming at you and you know its going to hit, you know there is nothing you can do apart from fingers crossed you make it through the other side.
All that aside, the very basic fact that i really, seriously really cannot afford to get so behind with work, it will take me a week now just to catch up, providing i stay level. This can't be sustained, my role is so busy and yeah maybe sometimes i don't always recognise what i do fit into a day, but i love it, so thats that. But, trust me here, it wont be possible to have weeks like this often.
I also feel completely non supportive to my friends and family, the period of time that it so bad for me, is so much so that i cannot at its worst, visit, take calls from anyone, support anyone else or just be around. I become selfish and self centred and to be honest, i feel that in the soup that it doesn't bother me at the time, its only coming out the other side that i realize what i have missed - like my sisters scan :( Makes me feel crappy crap crap.
So, back to the now. Feeling much much much brighter, feel lighter, had a really productive work day, albeit dealing with crisis pretty much most of the day - just one of those days but felt so good to be on the ball and just deal, signpost, support, action and feel like i have made a difference.
Some awesome news today as well, some friends of mine who foster kids are getting the 4 brothers back who they fostered for a year. Not so good all round, their family placement broke down which trust me, these boys have been through enough already with out more change in their young lives, but at the case conference today, the eldest was asked if he was sure that he wanted to go to my friends (instead of extended family) to which he replied " Yes i do, and (me) will be waiting to take me out on a bike ride and play with my remote control car with me". I actually thought my friends were exaggerating, but i have seen the case conference minutes and there it is in black and white - see, i do have my uses :)
Really though, these boys are just so awesome, the youngest is 5 and oldest 11, and i love them. Hats off to my friends, not sure i would be strong enough to have them live with me for a year, nurture them love them, watch them grow into fantastic little people and then watch them go back. Knowing that they loved you so much as well, have to tell you, i was heart broken. I cant really share anymore here about them or their lives as its not my place to do that, but these 4 boys have my heart.
My next week looks rather busy and somewhat emotional, but thats all manageable, so long as i can keep my head above water.
My best friend who i haven't seen for 4 years is jetting into Heathrow airport, and we have 3 hours before her connecting flight to catch up, hug loads and just be funky together, i so cant wait.
I have a memorial to go to which is going to be so tough, my sister finally starts her chemo after some delays on Monday. Tuesday my sis and I are going to choose two different hair pieces for her (the chemo will make her lose her hair with in two weeks so this was important to her). Weds, i have my counseling assessment - umm.
On the work front: Tuesday morning i am giving a presentaion to 200 people on personalisation - i so need to get my act together as not done this for 4 months and i hate talking in front of people, but i have some awesome people supporting me and i have done all the prep work (very nearly) so just gonna have to go with the flow, give em my cheekiest smile and know that i will change some peoples thoughts and perspectives for the better. Thursday: i get to present my case at a disciplinary panel i have been investigating - and trust me, its not going to go down to well with some other managers, although i cant go into any detail here, let me just say this: Discrimination on any grounds is not acceptable, just not, no. And when the shit hits the fan as it always does and you really dig deep into an issue, people who are truely discriminative cannot hide, and this will be paramount in my findings and the end result. The real kick arse issue here is that really? This person should be sacked or at least a final written warning with conditions in place - but its not going to happen, because others have been so sneaky and flawed in their reporting and recording that their whole case has fallen apart at the seams, and the real issue - cannot be proved. Will it be a lesson learnt - i doubt it.
Okay, so bed for me, 2.20am, 5 hours sleep on the cards - but 5 hours of quality sleep is gonna be heaven :)
So, i'm pretty much out the other side of it, yay woohoo yay :)
Seriously, it has been rough. I have more perspective on it now, can hold it as an adult and can view it objectively. Gotta just say though, for my own record here, there were some fleeting moments of absolute helplessness while this has been happening for the last week, frustrated at myself for feeling "stuck", frustrated because this wasn't something i didn't know about, i knew about it, remembered it and could hold it ok - so just frustrated that it came as a very vivid muti-sensory flashback that became unmanageable with in days. What is that about?
Linked in with that is a concern that other situations that i can hold perfectly well, now, and have done for years coming back in flashback mode. This concerns me for a few of reasons:
1) Surely i don't need to talk about everything that happened to me - some things just happened: Fact:
2) There are somethings that i really don't want to talk about - but if they come at me like this one did i'm not going to have alot of choice. This isn't fully about specific incidents, okay, some of it is, but others is about some thoughts/feelings/memories and things i didn't understand then, that although i understand now, i didn't then and the memories of have of this.
3) I absolutely don't have time or energy to be dealing with this level of intense emotional processes. That isn't saying i'm not invested in healing, of course i am, but i couldn't do this last week on a regular basis.
4) It feels like it knocks me back so much, in every area of my life and i want to be progressing.
You know what is the most vulnerable feeling: knowing that when it hits, there is fuck all i can do about it, i have tried believe me. It really is like a 18 wheeler truck coming at you and you know its going to hit, you know there is nothing you can do apart from fingers crossed you make it through the other side.
All that aside, the very basic fact that i really, seriously really cannot afford to get so behind with work, it will take me a week now just to catch up, providing i stay level. This can't be sustained, my role is so busy and yeah maybe sometimes i don't always recognise what i do fit into a day, but i love it, so thats that. But, trust me here, it wont be possible to have weeks like this often.
I also feel completely non supportive to my friends and family, the period of time that it so bad for me, is so much so that i cannot at its worst, visit, take calls from anyone, support anyone else or just be around. I become selfish and self centred and to be honest, i feel that in the soup that it doesn't bother me at the time, its only coming out the other side that i realize what i have missed - like my sisters scan :( Makes me feel crappy crap crap.
So, back to the now. Feeling much much much brighter, feel lighter, had a really productive work day, albeit dealing with crisis pretty much most of the day - just one of those days but felt so good to be on the ball and just deal, signpost, support, action and feel like i have made a difference.
Some awesome news today as well, some friends of mine who foster kids are getting the 4 brothers back who they fostered for a year. Not so good all round, their family placement broke down which trust me, these boys have been through enough already with out more change in their young lives, but at the case conference today, the eldest was asked if he was sure that he wanted to go to my friends (instead of extended family) to which he replied " Yes i do, and (me) will be waiting to take me out on a bike ride and play with my remote control car with me". I actually thought my friends were exaggerating, but i have seen the case conference minutes and there it is in black and white - see, i do have my uses :)
Really though, these boys are just so awesome, the youngest is 5 and oldest 11, and i love them. Hats off to my friends, not sure i would be strong enough to have them live with me for a year, nurture them love them, watch them grow into fantastic little people and then watch them go back. Knowing that they loved you so much as well, have to tell you, i was heart broken. I cant really share anymore here about them or their lives as its not my place to do that, but these 4 boys have my heart.
My next week looks rather busy and somewhat emotional, but thats all manageable, so long as i can keep my head above water.
My best friend who i haven't seen for 4 years is jetting into Heathrow airport, and we have 3 hours before her connecting flight to catch up, hug loads and just be funky together, i so cant wait.
I have a memorial to go to which is going to be so tough, my sister finally starts her chemo after some delays on Monday. Tuesday my sis and I are going to choose two different hair pieces for her (the chemo will make her lose her hair with in two weeks so this was important to her). Weds, i have my counseling assessment - umm.
On the work front: Tuesday morning i am giving a presentaion to 200 people on personalisation - i so need to get my act together as not done this for 4 months and i hate talking in front of people, but i have some awesome people supporting me and i have done all the prep work (very nearly) so just gonna have to go with the flow, give em my cheekiest smile and know that i will change some peoples thoughts and perspectives for the better. Thursday: i get to present my case at a disciplinary panel i have been investigating - and trust me, its not going to go down to well with some other managers, although i cant go into any detail here, let me just say this: Discrimination on any grounds is not acceptable, just not, no. And when the shit hits the fan as it always does and you really dig deep into an issue, people who are truely discriminative cannot hide, and this will be paramount in my findings and the end result. The real kick arse issue here is that really? This person should be sacked or at least a final written warning with conditions in place - but its not going to happen, because others have been so sneaky and flawed in their reporting and recording that their whole case has fallen apart at the seams, and the real issue - cannot be proved. Will it be a lesson learnt - i doubt it.
Okay, so bed for me, 2.20am, 5 hours sleep on the cards - but 5 hours of quality sleep is gonna be heaven :)
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH
That kind of sums it all up.
I am so fucked off with feeling like i do, with moaning that i feel like i do, with feeling like i can't change how i feel and feeling trapped in this fucking no where land.
I just want the old me back, see moaning again.
I spend half my day fighting off all these crappy feelings, thoughts and memories and flashbacks, trying to fight them off enough to be able to do something productive in a day - hell, i do have a full time paid job to do and although my time can be spent in a number of ways i do really have to show my face in the work place now and again.
It becoming like a massive challenge to work up to leaving the house to go to a work base, somehow i have to try and pack my head up and zip it shut for long enough for me to be able to undertake some of the essential parts of my job.
So i have a deadline for a big piece of work - this Friday, i have been working on it all week and all i have produced is a pile of shit. That is all i kind of have been working on, my days of multi tasking have gone, my days of having 3 computers running full throttle, constant working between the three, e-mails, phone calls, proof reading, project management, management of service plans, customer focus meetings, keeping up to date with news, other forums, developments, activist crap, crisis management and of course my actual job = all gone, just cant fucking do it.
This piece of work that i have, i am a "champion" for completing these quite complicated 143 pages of service delivery. I have completed so many, albeit all of them different, i have spent hours with my management teams supporting them with theirs, i even thought about some freelance working offering this support to external agencies (didnt really have the time and it is something that there is a massive demand for, but it doesnt really give me anything, not making a difference). Now it comes to my own, i cant find the words, its like i have lost the skillset.
I am wondering if i will ever get the "me" back. My life and thoughts and behaviours and coping skills have changed so dramatically in the last few months i really am someone different. someone has replaced me and i dont know them. I dont like them, if i met me now, i wouldnt want to be friends with me.
Not really sure how to change this, i've been trying the last couple of days to block out any thoughts of anything resembling abuse and although i can do it for a few hours, once i relax a little it just hits me in the face and it floor me again. What i am struggling to get across here is that i dont know how i tick anymore, we all know how we respond to situations, how we deal with stress and crisises, what our limits are, how we talk about things - its like what i know about me and how i respond and react isnt true anymore.
The "me" that i know, responds well to almost any situation, if there is a crisis, emergency, an ocuring situation i am the sort of person you want around - except when it comes to suicide - cant deal. I'm probably not the best at sharing my own crisises with people, probably the worst, but that is mainly around trust, around not wanting to feel like my load is too heavy for anyone. Most issues apart from that i am a good communicator, i can be really honest, really dig deep and communicate even better with people than you origionally thought possible. I dont run away from any given situation, period.
Then there is this new me, who tries to ignore everything going on in her head, running away from everything that might require a little bit of me to sort, not understanding my thoughts, getting so fucking confused and caught up with debates in my own head, basically arguing with myself, and it just fucking impacts on everything.
Its nearly at the point where i need to write down what the problem is, waht my options are of dealing with it, decide what option to take.....but then i cant do it, i get scared of my own feelings and thoughts around voicing what ever it is, feel like i shouldnt be unpacking the issue, feels like i shouldnt need to be talking about actual situations that occured.
Todays example: been having a flashback for 3 days now, beeen building and building and now its totally fucking my head up. it wont go away, i have acknowledged it, but it wont budge. The tension headache that this is causing me is getting really intense, i am getting more distressed everytime it happens because i cant keep seeing the same thing. So, options available. I shut up and put up. I would love to, but i know it doesnt work, it will build to the point where i will either spontaneously combust or will want to hit my head with a sledge hammer. I can mail my friend and ask if its okay to write it down and send. Now, this normally works, i'm not saying it disappears overnight but it eases it for sure, untill it kind of dies away, and if it still sits there we will talk some about it.
So, what's the problem? Well.....i cant fucking explain it. i think all other crap aside its about i dont want to be this fucking vulnerable and needy. Yet, this is the most i have ever trusted anyone to hold my shit, this is the most anyone has ever helped me and helped in a way that fits with me, and she is ok with it. Yeah, Golden ticket i agree, yet it doesnt stop me feeling that i am too much and i am taking up peoples time.
I contact the counseling place yesterday, they cancelled my last appt and were supposed to be contacting me for another one, which they hadn't. So i got on the phone in a brave moment and give em shit (in a nice way of course) and got another appt - 2 weeks away. If they cancel this one im going to have to look elsewhere - which is strange considering a few months back i didnt want to enter into counseling, now i have my head around it and know how it will benefit me, i want it, and feel a little disappointed that it seems to be getting farther away from my reach.
Ummm.
That kind of sums it all up.
I am so fucked off with feeling like i do, with moaning that i feel like i do, with feeling like i can't change how i feel and feeling trapped in this fucking no where land.
I just want the old me back, see moaning again.
I spend half my day fighting off all these crappy feelings, thoughts and memories and flashbacks, trying to fight them off enough to be able to do something productive in a day - hell, i do have a full time paid job to do and although my time can be spent in a number of ways i do really have to show my face in the work place now and again.
It becoming like a massive challenge to work up to leaving the house to go to a work base, somehow i have to try and pack my head up and zip it shut for long enough for me to be able to undertake some of the essential parts of my job.
So i have a deadline for a big piece of work - this Friday, i have been working on it all week and all i have produced is a pile of shit. That is all i kind of have been working on, my days of multi tasking have gone, my days of having 3 computers running full throttle, constant working between the three, e-mails, phone calls, proof reading, project management, management of service plans, customer focus meetings, keeping up to date with news, other forums, developments, activist crap, crisis management and of course my actual job = all gone, just cant fucking do it.
This piece of work that i have, i am a "champion" for completing these quite complicated 143 pages of service delivery. I have completed so many, albeit all of them different, i have spent hours with my management teams supporting them with theirs, i even thought about some freelance working offering this support to external agencies (didnt really have the time and it is something that there is a massive demand for, but it doesnt really give me anything, not making a difference). Now it comes to my own, i cant find the words, its like i have lost the skillset.
I am wondering if i will ever get the "me" back. My life and thoughts and behaviours and coping skills have changed so dramatically in the last few months i really am someone different. someone has replaced me and i dont know them. I dont like them, if i met me now, i wouldnt want to be friends with me.
Not really sure how to change this, i've been trying the last couple of days to block out any thoughts of anything resembling abuse and although i can do it for a few hours, once i relax a little it just hits me in the face and it floor me again. What i am struggling to get across here is that i dont know how i tick anymore, we all know how we respond to situations, how we deal with stress and crisises, what our limits are, how we talk about things - its like what i know about me and how i respond and react isnt true anymore.
The "me" that i know, responds well to almost any situation, if there is a crisis, emergency, an ocuring situation i am the sort of person you want around - except when it comes to suicide - cant deal. I'm probably not the best at sharing my own crisises with people, probably the worst, but that is mainly around trust, around not wanting to feel like my load is too heavy for anyone. Most issues apart from that i am a good communicator, i can be really honest, really dig deep and communicate even better with people than you origionally thought possible. I dont run away from any given situation, period.
Then there is this new me, who tries to ignore everything going on in her head, running away from everything that might require a little bit of me to sort, not understanding my thoughts, getting so fucking confused and caught up with debates in my own head, basically arguing with myself, and it just fucking impacts on everything.
Its nearly at the point where i need to write down what the problem is, waht my options are of dealing with it, decide what option to take.....but then i cant do it, i get scared of my own feelings and thoughts around voicing what ever it is, feel like i shouldnt be unpacking the issue, feels like i shouldnt need to be talking about actual situations that occured.
Todays example: been having a flashback for 3 days now, beeen building and building and now its totally fucking my head up. it wont go away, i have acknowledged it, but it wont budge. The tension headache that this is causing me is getting really intense, i am getting more distressed everytime it happens because i cant keep seeing the same thing. So, options available. I shut up and put up. I would love to, but i know it doesnt work, it will build to the point where i will either spontaneously combust or will want to hit my head with a sledge hammer. I can mail my friend and ask if its okay to write it down and send. Now, this normally works, i'm not saying it disappears overnight but it eases it for sure, untill it kind of dies away, and if it still sits there we will talk some about it.
So, what's the problem? Well.....i cant fucking explain it. i think all other crap aside its about i dont want to be this fucking vulnerable and needy. Yet, this is the most i have ever trusted anyone to hold my shit, this is the most anyone has ever helped me and helped in a way that fits with me, and she is ok with it. Yeah, Golden ticket i agree, yet it doesnt stop me feeling that i am too much and i am taking up peoples time.
I contact the counseling place yesterday, they cancelled my last appt and were supposed to be contacting me for another one, which they hadn't. So i got on the phone in a brave moment and give em shit (in a nice way of course) and got another appt - 2 weeks away. If they cancel this one im going to have to look elsewhere - which is strange considering a few months back i didnt want to enter into counseling, now i have my head around it and know how it will benefit me, i want it, and feel a little disappointed that it seems to be getting farther away from my reach.
Ummm.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Okay, so this is a kind of bookmark.
Was in a crap place when i last wrote here, thats ok i guess.
I just need to put this here so i can come back to it and maybe address it or explain a little more than i can now.
So, i've just done something so fucking crazy, don't know what i was thinking - and i really dont - not in a losing my mind kind of way - but more of a "what the fuck are you doing that for" kind of way.
I've triggered the hell out of myself, i dont know what i thought i would gain from it, Jeez sometimes i don't get me.
Now, this hasnt come out of the blue, as in, the passing thoughts - these have been here for a good couple of weeks since i managed to write the flashback down, but i dont know what i am expecting from myself.
Maybe its just about acknowledging that i know what i do, maybe there is something here about revisiting something as an adult, maybe there is this part of me that feels this immense sense of guilt, guilt of knowing some heavy secret, fuck, i dont know what it is. Maybe its about trying to put something right, maybe its about knowing that there were other victims in all of this.
I'm so not sure, but it kind of feels like its not my secret to hold, i wasnt responsible, i was involved for sure, but there was no choice in this, i was part of the secret, but not in a responsible way as in it was not my doing. I wish i understood it more, i wish it didnt feel so loaded.
It feels so heavy, if i had just one chance to delete any single event that happened, it would absolutley be that one. But it cant be taken back, the 3 people who abused me and I know this one thing - they may have been alot of things, but they werent stupid enough to brag about this. Oh i remember seeing the swear to god pact about no one ever knowing, the threat made by each of them to each other if anyone ever did. I do also remember seeing the fear on their faces, straight afterwards and in the hours following, they may have been alot of things, but this was out of their league.
As a kid, i fully believed that they would get away with it, it was like some perfectly planned adventure - looking back now, i cant believe they did get away with it. It was flawed in so many ways, including a kid being involved.
You know, you cant turn back the time, i cant put it right, no matter what my thoughts are, no matter how heavy it sits on me, i cant change the outcome. but what am i defending here, a secret that i dont want any part of? someone elses actions? The consequences of the situation which did involve me, it wasnt my fault but it still happened because of me. is that my responsibility? Is it that that sits so heavy on me, knowing that although i had no control over the situation or outcome, it happened because of me.
I really dont know, but its something that i'm going to have to talk about, even if we dont get any answers, its getting heavier.
Was in a crap place when i last wrote here, thats ok i guess.
I just need to put this here so i can come back to it and maybe address it or explain a little more than i can now.
So, i've just done something so fucking crazy, don't know what i was thinking - and i really dont - not in a losing my mind kind of way - but more of a "what the fuck are you doing that for" kind of way.
I've triggered the hell out of myself, i dont know what i thought i would gain from it, Jeez sometimes i don't get me.
Now, this hasnt come out of the blue, as in, the passing thoughts - these have been here for a good couple of weeks since i managed to write the flashback down, but i dont know what i am expecting from myself.
Maybe its just about acknowledging that i know what i do, maybe there is something here about revisiting something as an adult, maybe there is this part of me that feels this immense sense of guilt, guilt of knowing some heavy secret, fuck, i dont know what it is. Maybe its about trying to put something right, maybe its about knowing that there were other victims in all of this.
I'm so not sure, but it kind of feels like its not my secret to hold, i wasnt responsible, i was involved for sure, but there was no choice in this, i was part of the secret, but not in a responsible way as in it was not my doing. I wish i understood it more, i wish it didnt feel so loaded.
It feels so heavy, if i had just one chance to delete any single event that happened, it would absolutley be that one. But it cant be taken back, the 3 people who abused me and I know this one thing - they may have been alot of things, but they werent stupid enough to brag about this. Oh i remember seeing the swear to god pact about no one ever knowing, the threat made by each of them to each other if anyone ever did. I do also remember seeing the fear on their faces, straight afterwards and in the hours following, they may have been alot of things, but this was out of their league.
As a kid, i fully believed that they would get away with it, it was like some perfectly planned adventure - looking back now, i cant believe they did get away with it. It was flawed in so many ways, including a kid being involved.
You know, you cant turn back the time, i cant put it right, no matter what my thoughts are, no matter how heavy it sits on me, i cant change the outcome. but what am i defending here, a secret that i dont want any part of? someone elses actions? The consequences of the situation which did involve me, it wasnt my fault but it still happened because of me. is that my responsibility? Is it that that sits so heavy on me, knowing that although i had no control over the situation or outcome, it happened because of me.
I really dont know, but its something that i'm going to have to talk about, even if we dont get any answers, its getting heavier.
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