Okay, so been pretty deeply in the soup for the last week, probably the worst i have felt in such a long stretch for a while. The culprit: A Flashback that decided to play on repeat mode, was nearly impossible to talk about, couldn't get no perspective on it as i couldn't hold it without slipping into the flashback. Umm.

So, i'm pretty much out the other side of it, yay woohoo yay :)

Seriously, it has been rough. I have more perspective on it now, can hold it as an adult and can view it objectively. Gotta just say though, for my own record here, there were some fleeting moments of absolute helplessness while this has been happening for the last week, frustrated at myself for feeling "stuck", frustrated because this wasn't something i didn't know about, i knew about it, remembered it and could hold it ok - so just frustrated that it came as a very vivid muti-sensory flashback that became unmanageable with in days. What is that about?

Linked in with that is a concern that other situations that i can hold perfectly well, now, and have done for years coming back in flashback mode. This concerns me for a few of reasons:
1) Surely i don't need to talk about everything that happened to me - some things just happened: Fact:
2) There are somethings that i really don't want to talk about - but if they come at me like this one did i'm not going to have alot of choice. This isn't fully about specific incidents, okay, some of it is, but others is about some thoughts/feelings/memories and things i didn't understand then, that although i understand now, i didn't then and the memories of have of this.
3) I absolutely don't have time or energy to be dealing with this level of intense emotional processes. That isn't saying i'm not invested in healing, of course i am, but i couldn't do this last week on a regular basis.
4) It feels like it knocks me back so much, in every area of my life and i want to be progressing.

You know what is the most vulnerable feeling: knowing that when it hits, there is fuck all i can do about it, i have tried believe me. It really is like a 18 wheeler truck coming at you and you know its going to hit, you know there is nothing you can do apart from fingers crossed you make it through the other side.

All that aside, the very basic fact that i really, seriously really cannot afford to get so behind with work, it will take me a week now just to catch up, providing i stay level. This can't be sustained, my role is so busy and yeah maybe sometimes i don't always recognise what i do fit into a day, but i love it, so thats that. But, trust me here, it wont be possible to have weeks like this often.

I also feel completely non supportive to my friends and family, the period of time that it so bad for me, is so much so that i cannot at its worst, visit, take calls from anyone, support anyone else or just be around. I become selfish and self centred and to be honest, i feel that in the soup that it doesn't bother me at the time, its only coming out the other side that i realize what i have missed - like my sisters scan :(  Makes me feel crappy crap crap.

So, back to the now. Feeling much much much brighter, feel lighter, had a really productive work day, albeit dealing with crisis pretty much most of the day - just one of those days but felt so good to be on the ball and just deal, signpost, support, action and feel like i have made a difference.

Some awesome news today as well, some friends of mine who foster kids are getting the 4 brothers back who they fostered for a year. Not so good all round, their family placement broke down which trust me, these boys have been through enough already with out more change in their young lives, but at the case conference today, the eldest was asked if he was sure that he wanted to go to my friends (instead of extended family) to which he replied " Yes i do, and (me) will be waiting to take me out on a bike ride and play with my remote control car with me". I actually thought my friends were exaggerating, but i have seen the case conference minutes and there it is in black and white - see, i do have my uses :)

Really though, these boys are just so awesome, the youngest is 5 and oldest 11, and i love them. Hats off to my friends, not sure i would be strong enough to have them live with me for a year, nurture them love them, watch them grow into fantastic little people and then watch them go back. Knowing that they loved you so much as well, have to tell you, i was heart broken. I cant really share anymore here about them or their lives as its not my place to do that, but these 4 boys have my heart.

My next week looks rather busy and somewhat emotional, but thats all manageable, so long as i can keep my head above water.
My best friend who i haven't seen for 4 years is jetting into Heathrow airport, and we have 3 hours before her connecting flight to catch up, hug loads and just be funky together, i so cant wait.
I have a memorial to go to which is going to be so tough, my sister finally starts her chemo after some delays on Monday. Tuesday my sis and I are going to choose two different hair pieces for her (the chemo will make her lose her hair with in two weeks so this was important to her). Weds, i have my counseling assessment - umm.
On the work front: Tuesday morning i am giving a presentaion to 200 people on personalisation - i so need to get my act together as not done this for 4 months and i hate talking in front of people, but i have some awesome people supporting me and i have done all the prep work (very nearly) so just gonna have to go with the flow, give em my cheekiest smile and know that i will change some peoples thoughts and perspectives for the better. Thursday: i get to present my case at a disciplinary panel i have been investigating - and trust me, its not going to go down to well with some other managers, although i cant go into any detail here, let me just say this: Discrimination on any grounds is not acceptable, just not, no. And when the shit hits the fan as it always does and you really dig deep into an issue, people who are truely discriminative cannot hide, and this will be paramount in my findings and the end result. The real kick arse issue here is that really? This person should be sacked or at least a final written warning with conditions in place - but its not going to happen, because others have been so sneaky and flawed in their reporting and recording that their whole case has fallen apart at the seams, and the real issue - cannot be proved. Will it be a lesson learnt - i doubt it.

Okay, so bed for me, 2.20am, 5 hours sleep on the cards - but 5 hours of quality sleep is gonna be heaven :)