Okay, so something has to change around here, with my life, with the way i do things, with my routines etc.
This may be a little jumpy so i apologise for that right now.

Firstly, there has got to be some better organization around the house, now, i am about the most disorganized person in the world anyway, but still: this is bad even at my standards! Maybe i've been thinking some laundry fairy will come along as wash my clothes, wash the dishes and just keep on top of things, well little fairy, you've either gone to the wrong house or you are a figment of all our imaginations.

You know, i just can't seem to keep on top of things, and i know really, that aint nothing to worry about - as i dont normally, but there comes to a point where you realize that it really isn't helping - having a 9am meeting which is gonna take you an hour to get to and not finding any pants to wear can actually start to wear you down, so commando twice this week - seriously.

I realized this morning when i turned down a visit from a friend that it was because i couldn't bear someone to step into the house because of the state it is in - that is saying something when friends are used to my kind of messy tidyness.

So, I'm getting there - laundry is getting done, bugger the ironing, i don't really do ironing anyways to sure aint gonna start now, the washing up is done, the lounge is tidy, the home office is looking more respectable and in my bedroom, yay i can see the bed!

Reminder to self: Keep on top of it  - it feels more workable.

I've also had a little move round in the office, which should make things a bit easier, and i caught up with alot of filing today. Just got to do some shredding as my shredding pile is now taller than my filing file :P

Heating and hot water - yeah, i still haven't got any and i dont think it helps when it comes to washing up and generally living in one room because its so freaking cold everywhere else in the house. So, a little finance check and with no council tax to pay for the next 2 months it leaves me with £200 that i woulodn't normally have, so tomorrow, i'm contacting someone to come and have a look - if it costs more than that its tough shit really, and again it will have to wait.

Mobile phone: I really don't like my phone, my contract or anything about it really (this is my personal phone here, not the work ones). Now when it comes to free minutes, i'm not really fussed, i hardly use it for talking on - which is a bit banana's coming from someone who sepnds most of their day communicating with people, but i really hate talking on the phone, so. I do use it for texting, and use it most for internet/e-mail, mainly for accessing work e-mails and trust me, if i couldn't do this my work load would be even greater, the amount of small pieces of work i get done while waiting for meetings etc is amazing, so i need this. So, i contacts Vodafone and yay i've done it. Got a new phone coming, free internet, texting and web based apps, also has lots of memory so can store tunes and an excellent camera for those had to be there moments. Oh yeah, comes with 900 free mins a month, which means i will use about 2 of them!

Car: I love my car, if i haven't told you that before then i must have been feeling crap :) i loved all my cars, but this one is differen't, its got a kind of personality to it, know what i mean, yes? Anyhow, i've neglected it a bit lately, it looks like an ashtray inside, it is dirty on the outside beyond belief and i have to get my brakes done, like yesterday. So little car, its your turn tomorrow, i promise you, the brakes might have to wait til payday though.

Health: Okay, so i haven't taken my medication for like a couple of months now for my skin condition - its not that i don't want to take them, its just that i ran out, lost my prescription (well, put it somewhere safe) and kind of never thought about it, hence 2 months on and i'm flaring up like a firework, so must go Doc spoc to get that sorted, while i'm there, i might (no promises here, just might) get the results from a scan thing i had about 5 months ago. I do also really need to book in with the Osteopath, although my back is so much better than it was months ago, its starting to deteriorate and waking in the mornings has gone back to doing my back exercises before i step out of bed - which for me is the start of the decline, so i need to just stop putting it off and make the call.
Oh, and still no periods, i do in fact rule! I'm guessing here that it is probably not healthy, but we know what its about, so i don't feel thats something to worry about, kind of feels like the only blessing in all of this!

I'm going to be making a worky decision tomorrow (wel, i've made it actually, more of i will informing them tomorrow) this is that the I.T. dept have just got no fucking idea of what services rely so much on the server being up and running at the weekend, to the point where one part of my gig i just cannot manage with out running, full stop. Now i know there needs to be some maintainance on the servers, but it needs to be better planned than it is now, more so at the weekend it needs to be running effectively, not fucking turned off for maintainance. I had to fly across the county on Friday afternoon to the server because it appeared some 'very thoughtful and environmentally conscious person' thought they would turn (ext4) the server off - which just leaves the main server running. Now, there is a fucking big sign by it saying must be on 24/7 in the event of needing to turn off please contact...me. So i sorted it.
10am this morning, my work phones start to act like they have taken speed - the problem, the server isn't working, which for this part of my gig means the whole of the county cannot see or access my emergency beds. Long story short, turned off for maintainance - i drove there, takes about an hour, and i actually feel for the I.T. guy to have this frothing at the mouth woman standing there, trying to calmly but firmly ask them what the fuck they are doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. So, back to my plan, i need a meeting with I.T. like now, to discuss how the maintainance of the server affects essential services and what are we gonna do about it. I have solutions for them and they so better listen to them.

All the above aside, its been a pretty crap week. I had what i can only describe as a panic attack, flashback and trigger breakdown. So, i turned to drink, yay Vodka i needed you and you provided :) Now i dont recommend it, but i was in so much physical and emotional pain that it was my only solution. My friend got the ramblings of it by e-mail, not sure how i managed it, but, i did, and she was so okay with it, it is indeed a miracle when someone takes what they can  from an incoherent e-mail, reassures you and still say's they will be there for you, and is, hours later when i was still triggering just by breathing, was still there for me. I'm just so, so lucky, i know.

I have my first counseling appt this week, assessment done the other week  and now its down to the work. I want this, i need this, how can you not want or need something that can only help you, yet, i don't. I'm just scared of the process, don't want to be vulnerable in front of someone for this, have no problem with being vulnerable about anything else, just not this. I know, this is just a normal reaction and i guess i will get over it, and mostly, its in-person back up support for the things i talk to my friend about. I also know i have got to grab this chance, right back to day one, i felt this was my last chance to get this sorted, sorted as in it doesn't define me, it doesn't rule my life, each day doesn't hinge on whether i will have flashbacks, sorted to the point where i can process it, and learn to live with it as part of my life experiences, like anything else has or does up to this point in my life. I have got a life to live, i lived it pretty well for some time, and i want that back and more and this is what i need to remind myself this process is all about.