AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

That kind of sums it all up.

I am so fucked off with feeling like i do, with moaning that i feel like i do, with feeling like i can't change how i feel and feeling trapped in this fucking no where land.

I just want the old me back, see moaning again.

I spend half my day fighting off all these crappy feelings, thoughts and memories and flashbacks, trying to fight them off enough to be able to do something productive in a day - hell, i do have a full time paid job to do and although my time can be spent in a number of ways i do really have to show my face in the work place now and again.

It becoming like a massive challenge to work up to leaving the house to go to a work base, somehow i have to try and pack my head up and zip it shut for long enough for me to be able to undertake some of the essential parts of my job.

So i have a deadline for a big piece of work - this Friday, i have been working on it all week and all i have produced is a pile of shit. That is all i kind of have been working on, my days of multi tasking have gone, my days of having 3 computers running full throttle, constant working between the three, e-mails, phone calls, proof reading, project management, management of service plans, customer focus meetings, keeping up to date with news, other forums, developments, activist crap, crisis management and of course my actual job = all gone, just cant fucking do it.

This piece of work that i have, i am a "champion" for completing these quite complicated 143 pages of service delivery. I have completed so many, albeit all of them different, i have spent hours with my management teams supporting them with theirs, i even thought about some freelance working offering this support to external agencies (didnt really have the time and it is something that there is a massive demand for, but it doesnt really give me anything, not making a difference). Now it comes to my own, i cant find the words, its like i have lost the skillset.

I am wondering if i will ever get the "me" back. My life and thoughts and behaviours and coping skills have changed so dramatically in the last few months i really am someone different. someone has replaced me and i dont know them. I dont like them, if i met me now, i wouldnt want to be friends with me.

Not really sure how to change this, i've been trying the last couple of days to block out any thoughts of anything resembling abuse and although i can do it for a few hours, once i relax a little it just hits me in the face and it floor me again. What i am struggling to get across here is that i dont know how i tick anymore, we all know how we respond to situations, how we deal with stress and crisises, what our limits are, how we talk about things - its like what i know about me and how i respond and react isnt true anymore.

The "me" that i know, responds well to almost any situation, if there is a crisis, emergency, an ocuring situation i am the sort of person you want around - except when it comes to suicide - cant deal. I'm probably not the best at sharing my own crisises with people, probably the worst, but that is mainly around trust, around not wanting to feel like my load is too heavy for anyone. Most issues apart from that i am a good communicator, i can be really honest, really dig deep and communicate even better with people than you origionally thought possible. I dont run away from any given situation, period.

Then there is this new me, who tries to ignore everything going on in her head, running away from everything that might require a little bit of me to sort, not understanding my thoughts, getting so fucking confused and caught up with debates in my own head, basically arguing with myself, and it just fucking impacts on everything.

Its nearly at the point where i need to write down what the problem is, waht my options are of dealing with it, decide what option to take.....but then i cant do it, i get scared of my own feelings and thoughts around voicing what ever it is, feel like i shouldnt be unpacking the issue, feels like i shouldnt need to be talking about actual situations that occured.

Todays example: been having a flashback for 3 days now, beeen building and building and now its totally fucking my head up. it wont go away, i have acknowledged it, but it wont budge. The tension headache that this is causing me is getting really intense, i am getting more distressed everytime it happens because i cant keep seeing the same thing. So, options available. I shut up and put up. I would love to, but i know it doesnt work, it will build to the point where i will either spontaneously combust or will want to hit my head with a sledge hammer. I can mail my friend and ask if its okay to write it down and send. Now, this normally works, i'm not saying it disappears overnight but it eases it for sure, untill it kind of dies away, and if it still sits there we will talk some about it.

So, what's the problem? Well.....i cant fucking explain it. i think all other crap aside its about i dont want to be this fucking vulnerable and needy. Yet, this is the most i have ever trusted anyone to hold my shit, this is the most anyone has ever helped me and helped in a way that fits with me, and she is ok with it. Yeah, Golden ticket i agree, yet it doesnt stop me feeling that i am too much and i am taking up peoples time.

I contact the counseling place yesterday, they cancelled my last appt and were supposed to be contacting me for another one, which they hadn't. So i got on the phone in a brave moment and give em shit (in a nice way of course) and got another appt - 2 weeks away. If they cancel this one im going to have to look elsewhere - which is strange considering a few months back i didnt want to enter into counseling, now i have my head around it and know how it will benefit me, i want it, and feel a little disappointed that it seems to be getting farther away from my reach.

Ummm.