Okay, so this is a kind of bookmark.

Was in a crap place when i last wrote here, thats ok i guess.

I just need to put this here so i can come back to it and maybe address it or explain a little more than i can now.

So, i've just done something so fucking crazy, don't know what i was thinking - and i really dont - not in a losing my mind kind of way - but more of a "what the fuck are you doing that for" kind of way.

I've triggered the hell out of myself, i dont know what i thought i would gain from it, Jeez sometimes i don't get me.

Now, this hasnt come out of the blue, as in, the passing thoughts - these have been here for a good couple of weeks since i managed to write the flashback down, but i dont know what i am expecting from myself.

Maybe its just about acknowledging that i know what i do, maybe there is something here about revisiting something as an adult, maybe there is this part of me that feels this immense sense of guilt, guilt of knowing some heavy secret, fuck, i dont know what it is. Maybe its about trying to put something right, maybe its about knowing that there were other victims in all of this.

I'm so not sure, but it kind of feels like its not my secret to hold, i wasnt responsible, i was involved for sure, but there was no choice in this, i was part of the secret, but not in a responsible way as in it was not my doing. I wish i understood it more, i wish it didnt feel so loaded.

It feels so heavy, if i had just one chance to delete any single event that happened, it would absolutley be that one. But it cant be taken back, the 3 people who abused me and I know this one thing - they may have been alot of things, but they werent stupid enough to brag about this. Oh i remember seeing the swear to god pact about no one ever knowing, the threat made by each of them to each other if anyone ever did. I do also remember seeing the fear on their faces, straight afterwards and in the hours following, they may have been alot of things, but this was out of their league.

As a kid, i fully believed that they would get away with it, it was like some perfectly planned adventure - looking back now, i cant believe they did get away with it. It was flawed in so many ways, including a kid being involved.

You know, you cant turn back the time, i cant put it right, no matter what my thoughts are, no matter how heavy it sits on me, i cant change the outcome. but what am i defending here, a secret that i dont want any part of? someone elses actions? The consequences of the situation which did involve me, it wasnt my fault but it still happened because of me. is that my responsibility? Is it that that sits so heavy on me, knowing that although i had no control over the situation or outcome, it happened because of me.

I really dont know, but its something that i'm going to have to talk about, even if we dont get any answers, its getting heavier.