What a week!

It's been a bit of an eventful week, but.......by a long shot, one of the best weeks i have had in the last 4 to 5 months in terms of flashbacks and triggers. Just super yay!!

In case you can't tell, i want to shout it from the rooftops - in fact i might. To have 4 days of continuous feel good days, no flashbacks, no triggers, no feeling this heaviness all around me, no needing to talk needing to get stuff out, its like being liberated.

And really, the odds have been against me this week as well, so i'm even more stoked :)

In terms of healing, i was really struggling to hold some memories of a event that happened during the abuse, and although i had spoken about it once before, the after events were becoming too difficult to hold, so, i just got them down and mailed them to my friend. It's not about wanting my feelings to be validated, or to be understood, for me it is just getting it out there to someone who you trust, just sharing it. And i know how lucky i am to have someone watching my back who i trust so much. I think once i got this out it kind of really lifted things and although i guess that's not the end of it and at some point there may be some work to be done on it, it feels like its not so heavy to hold, and the other good thing was i managed to say what i needed to say in "adult mode" - compared to flashback mode.

Had my first counseling appt this week, and it was okay. Honestly, really okay. I'm really stoked about that as well, i really really need this to be effective and it was positive. I've been asked to journal flashbacks and triggers and how i feel in them/after them, how i grounded myself - or not! I was thinking was going to be a full time job after the last couple of weeks, but alas, my paper sits blank - if this continues all weekend i dont think the counselor will believe me, considering i was telling her how it is just trigger after trigger and building flashbacks until i feel i am going to combust. I don't wanted to get too super exited here, but could this be the start of turning the corner? Oooh, yes yes yes.

Update from my last post, after kicking my butt into gear: I've got my new mobile phone and it does what i need it to do. I've got a heating engineer coming out next week to see if my boiler can be fixed - Oh what heaven it would be, after the snow here in the last few days i'm kind of really needing some heat.
I've kept pretty much on top of general house stuff - well to my normal standards, but yeah, no having to go commando this week!

The rest of my week - which makes me even more stoked i got through in one piece ( I say this because lately i struggle to manage a full week of anything because it is normally dominated by flashbacks and triggers and my working week can feel so overwhelming with the amount of work piling up, and anything out of the norm sends me sideways - oh to get back to my normal world of just lapping it all up and embracing everything life gives you).
I travelled to Nottingham for some work related projects which i have been putting off like big time. A colleague came with me and....it was all good. I spent 7 hours in someone else's company and it was all okay, i delivered on the projects, got some more super idea's, drank some fine coffee and it was all good.

I have met two crucial deadlines with work this week, trust me, that feeling is great.

I have had a friend leave their partner and land on my doorstep - previous this current rough patch, this would have never been a problem, anyone is welcome, laze and graze at mine is part of normal life. But the last few months, my door is firmly shut, i've been so in the soup that managing myself is about my limits, let alone supporting someone else, so, taking my sobbing and distressed friend in was a biggie. Alas, it was all okay, we talked and talked and things felt clearer for her in the morning, albeit both with groggy heads as too much vino was consumed for a weeknight! They have patched things up and knowing how sexual their relationship is i would has at a guess, their bed (lounge, kitchen, shower, car and any other place really) is gonna be rocking for a few more days yet, yay for them.

I've had a cold all week as well, which is no big deal in it's self, but i can often get triggered when i'm ill, i'm not quite sure why i do but it is normally if i am housebound ill, but no triggers at all this time, just a red nose, watery eyes and a voice that sounds even more nasal than it normally does.

Had to deal with a mother crisis: not really a crisis but in mum's world everything is ten fold and i've learnt over the years that although i try not to react to her exageration, if i dont pay a visit and try to rationalize things with her it just gets bigger and bigger and actually doesn't benefit me. So, daughter duties undertaken, a major crisis avoided and a mum licking her wounds a bit i'm afraid as there needed to be some home truths about her current living situation, her proposed new living situation and her multiple relationships. Now without going into a 10 page write up on the in's and outs of what i feel about realtionships, i will keep it short and sweet and just get that it obviously goes alot deeper and there are a thousand more other things to consider.
My simplistic summary is: If everyone involved is honest, respectful, communicates well, knows and agree's what the boundries are, it is wanted by all parties: then great, it can absolutely work. There are so many different models of realationships and we are such a diverse society that one size most certainly does not fit all. Unfortunately my mum does the exact opposite of my summary, and she just doesn't get it, she can be so sneaky and dishonest - to the point where she actually believes her own dishonesty - its unbelieveable. And i actually had to point out to her that one of the things she was saying was actually just not true, but she gets so caught up in her own web of deceit that she couldn't see it. Arghhh

I also had a little accident in my car this week - all is okay and the beautiful car is not damaged, needed to just get my wheels realigned so no biggie. I spun it off the road in the heavy snowfall on Thursday evening. As much as i love this car, it is indeed the worse car i've had for how it handles in snow and ice, and it proved it to me!

The rest of my weekend goes like this: Working on some projects i need to get bits done on unitl this evening. Tonight, i'm out for a meal with my darts team (i'm not playing this season - the season started about 2 months after being in the soup and i just knew i couldn't commit to going every week so i gracefully gave my place up for the season, and i miss it, i miss the laughs, the competitive spirit and all the other teams we play, there really are some rockin people in our league).

Sunday, if all goes to plan and i get to finish my pieces of work today, i am having a work free day. Lunch is on the cards with a good friend, also told my ex-step mom (gets complicated!) that i would try and pop in for coffee, she just rocks and i've missed seeing her over the last few months, her partner has just had surgery on a knee injury he got while plalying football last week, so she is playing at being Florence Nightingale, and this i just have to see! Also, i'm planning to turn my TV on to watch some of the winter Olympic's. I really don't watch any TV, just doesn't do it for me. If i do watch it, it's because there is documentary on about something i want to see - if TV was just factual i would probably have it on more, but alas its not, its mostly fictional and yet people get caught up in watching this fictional world and basing their lives on opinions on these fictional characters which they end up believing is real life and comparing thier lives or experiences to it. Ummm. Don't get me wrong, i'm not adverse to the TV, there are some excellent drama's on and all this is okay so long as it's taken in the context of its supposed to be entertainment. And to be honest, it just doesn't do it for me, sitting in front of a big black box watching your life tick away, taking centre place in your lounge and being the focus of people's evenings - and yes, i'm aware that i am different than most people i know, but that just makes me, me :)

There has also been alot of politic's going on with work this week and it's been as frustrating as hell, but a collegue came up with a solution which just worked for a couple of us trusted people.
It can become somewhat frustrating to say the least when you are in a position at work where everything you say is taken as gospel, you always have to deliver the positive message, people look to you for the inspiration. Well sometimes i and a few others just want to be able to say " It's shit, i don't agree with...., no it's not the end of the fucking world because your wife is ill and you cant find a child minder and you left work early and didn't follow procedure, blah blah blah." I want to be able to say this with out others thinking that you don't give a shit, with out it coming back to hit you in the face, or most importantly people not taking your messages and advice  and instruction seriously because they have seen a differen't side to you. I'm not sure if i'm making sense here. So, once a month we all have a managers briefing and a select few of us are going to wander off the local pub afterwards and just have a get it out session, with out fear of comeback, or with out people thinking we are not committed to the cause, and we are really looking forward to it and the first one is this Tues. Of course, there are trusted colleagues that i can do this with anyway, but often the chance to get together becomes impossible due to workloads, and as we all will be at these briefing it was the ideal opportunity. To be clear here, this isn't a bitch fest, it's about airing our opinions to trusted others with out it being taken out of context.