Okay, so i'm here because I just dont know what to do with myself, not as in i have nothing to do, i have so much to freaking do, but because i kind of feel stuck, again.

Had a really busy week at work, unannounced inspections, workshops and a quarantineable infection, its what i do and i love it, so no issue here, just takes its toll when you are not functioning 100%.

Had the counseling assessment this week, i was pissed off with it afterwards, for a couple of days i guess. Why? Because i felt like i was being judged i guess - of course i wasn't, its about them getting the information they need to support me appropriately, i know that, but i guess i wasn't prepared for direct questions by someone i dont know or trust. Had to fight with myself to give them the information - struggled between telling them that i wasn't ready to share that information and just giving it to them, which i did, mostly i think because at the moment i seem to want to really want to go to counseling, i have to get this sorted, i know myself and i also know that some days i am only just hanging on, and other days when it lifts i am getting really pissed with myself for letting it get to me - and i've kind of just had enough of it - completely.

There are times when i just want to shake myself so hard, just let it out and move on, i don't want to be this person who just feels consumed by abuse and thought of abuse, who finds new triggers which then activate another flashback. I also know its not as easy as this but this is where i'm at.

the last flashback episode drained me - emotionally and physically to a point where it didn't seem possible, trust me on this one, i cant keep going to places so dark, its not realistic, healthy or okay for me.

You see, the really frustrating thing is they just keep coming, there is hardly no break inbetween, couple of days at the most and even then although i feel so much better i still feel so raw. So a couple of days ago, i get a new trigger, from completely out of the blue, and a flashback starts. I'm like, c'mon, give it a fucking rest.

So, i'm playing a new tactic! i'm just not buying into it, i'm not going there, i know what its about, its no big deal, it is just a situation, something that happened a few times, honestly here, i'm not minimizing it, i have to be completely open about this, whether its because there was so much that happened in the years i was abused or just because i have already dealt with stuff i'm not sure, but sometimes there are no emotions attached to a specific situation, it just was what it was, fact. So with this one, i'm not going to let it fuck with my head, i rememebr it, i remember why it was done, in fact if i was to get a flashback about why it was done, that may be different, but it isnt, its just about one thing, and i'm okay with it. So, i'm just gonna let it play itself out and toss it away. surely, i must be able to have some control somewhere with this, but if it gets to the point its messing with me i will just be able to get it down to my friend in normal mode because it is no big deal.

I was talking to someone i just met at 3am this morning, really nice guy, and, he blew me away with some of things he was telling me, you know, sometimes, to hear about someone else's life, in-person, it can snap you into getting some perspective on your own life. obviously, its not my story to tell, so i wont be telling it here, but it moved me immensely. Listening to someone who you have never met before, who felt comfortable enough to share with me some of the truely harrowing parts of his life, some of which he has not told anyone before is an honour (none of this was about abuse). We hugged and he told me he had not hugged anyone in six years. As he walked away, he turned back to me and said " i truely believe you were meant to be here tonight, we were meant to meet", he walks back to me, kisses me on the cheek, smiles and calls me an angel. I have never been called that before i doubt i will again, kind of doesn't quite fit me, but he was an inspiration to me.

My emotions just feel like a rollercoaster, more so today. Everything is relative, i get that, but meeting Chris last night has really made me think about my life, where i'm at, my journey to get here today and who knows the journey ahead. One thing i do know for certain know is that life can deal people some shit cards, and it isn't the shit cards that define us, it's what we do with the shit cards that shows our strength and courage, thats what matters. And it's not about how quick we deal with it, everything has a process, everyone processes and deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong in the process, it is what it is.

So, i'm going to just make some statements here and maybe address them another day, but this is what i've got for now, about then, now and other random stuff in my head.

1) I  know the abuse was not my fault - I know that, but i slip on rough days between knowing that and thinking there was some responsibility on my part with specific situations, and this is because it somehow makes it easier to deal with thinking there was some accountability there on my part.

2) I feel tremendous  guilt for the girl who was abused once by them and i being made to abuse her too. Now i know there was nothing i could have done, i had no choice there, but i cant get past that i still done things to her, i cant get past her face looking at me, i can see her and she haunts me.

3) The death of another adult, it just fucks with my head, i just don't know where to start with it, it triggers me instantly and i can't see me ever getting to talking about it with out triggering.

4) There are some situations that just do not have any emotions/thoughts/feeling attached to them, they just happened. It worries me that there may be feelings attached but i just cant get to them and its something to come.

5) I have some flashbacks thaqt i dont recall at all,  i can happily pack them away as didn't happen, no matter how scary they are. I am aware that it maybe that these things did happen, it doesnt particulary bother me as they don't have impact on me, but it worries me if one day they do.

6) It worries me sometimes that there are ALOT of photo's of me, it worries me who has these, are they still about, what happened to them. I know there is nothing i can do about it, but knowing there are photo's of you as a 9/10/11 year old being abused kind of doesn't sit well.

7) I am scared on the counseling process, of talking about stuff, talking about feelings, being vulnerable in front of someone. This isn't me as a person, with anything else i can be vulnerable with people i trust, just so difficult with this, and i'm so tempted just to run.

8) I worry about not managing my job, being in the soup for days on end is not beneficial for me, my customers or the staff and managers who i support.How long can i keep this up for.

9) There are somethings that i just don't know if i can talk about, i really cant see me saying the words, it worries me that if these things come in flashback mode, i'm fucked. Yet i know there is no point in going through this process if i dont purge all of it. I don't know how other people deal with process, but for me, what works is saying what happened, it kind of releases it, it doesn't help to just write it or acknowledge it, it has to actually be told to someone - kind of like if 1 other person knows then its not a secret anymore.

10) I fear sometimes i'm not going to get through it and come out the otherside. The really dark days can be that bad with memories and flashbacks.

11) I wonder if i will ever be sexual with anyone, will i ever be able to trust someone enough.

12) This is just something i have never said before and it  is becoming a bit of an issue, so just going to put it down. Sunset time, that kind of twilight time can really trigger me if i'm not in the right place in my head, or if i am ok, i find it awesome. Lately, its been triggering, massively so, and its a sort of panic trigger, but i can't relate it to anything. Its beoming more intense and find myself starting avoid being outside at this time of day - it only happens when i am outside. its starting to feel so intense that i have a couple of times this week been on the verge of tears, which is difficult when i'm just not down for crying. Ummmm



Thats just some stuff thats in my head right now, and just felt okay to get them down.

For now, i have some grunt work i really should be doing for work, and tomorrow, bar an absolute emergency, i'm taking the whole day off, seriously, the whole day.