Just needing to vent.

So, had a better couple of days, catching up on work i have missed and getting back into things. Caught up with some friends for coffee and did a bit of FB and twitter so no body gets to notice i have been in the soup - this is a tricky one sometimes as i normally am a bit unreachable for a few days at a time because work is hellishly busy and nearly always takes up whole days and evenings when its like this, but then there is some light and i can get back to people etc. Some days at the moment, i'm unreachable because i am so deep in shit, then when i get out the other side i have so much fucking catching up to do the cycle just continues. Grr

So today, as much as i have got so much work i really need to be getting on with i decided it was going to be a work free day and have it as a "me" day. Yay.

So, up early as i am a morning person (and a night person i guess) and there is just this weight on me, it has lifted the last few days as i have been working through this last lot of crap, and probably had the nest noghts sleep i have had in a couple of weeks. Nothing major happened yesterday, busy for sure, but all good.

So my day, with plans of having a super bike ride first thing, meeting up with a buddy for some lunch, meeting my mum who i havent caught up with for a few weeks, having some time to me to potter round the house and tend to things that i have neglected and then later, my friends have invited me for a meal. yep, top day, with some awesome people and some me time.

AGHHHHH. I don't feel like i did yesterday, there is this weight on me, like a dark cloud sitting on my shoulders, its okay though, bollox to it i thought, all is ok, its just a feeling. Chucked my bike in the back of my car and drove to a super place for biking about 30 miles from where i live, it was pretty quiet and cold first thing and i knew i was going to push myself (which is a top feeling when you do and i kind of like the release feeling afterwards when your muscles have been burning up and then they start to relax), so off i set and all going well, i am pushing myself, legs are burning and then it happens - i just cant do it, i can go on. I stop my bike and get off and feel so overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, thats the only way i can explain it, just despair and nothingness. I sit on the floor by the side of the lake and was just racked with sobs, kind of uncontrolable sobbing where it wouldnt have mattered if anyone came by i couldnt have stopped them, i just bawled for about 20 mins with no let up. I cant recall actually thinking anything, it was like it wasnt a part of me. I eventually stopped spent some time just thinking, hopped on my bike and rode back to the car in a very slow ride. What is that about?

Thing is I don't really cry much, hardly at all, to be honest, i think it relates back to my childhood, not just form the abuse stuff but from my folks as well, also it doesn't help, if i could have a good bawl and feel a bit better afterwards then i sure would do it, but it doesn't. It triggers me. i get triggers if other people are deeply upset, I'm ok if other have a few tears but if someone is bawling big time i'm useless. its all a bit strange because i am a softie as well, i can have a tear at a sad movie, or if i read something really moving i can have a tear, but its 1 or 2 silent tears. Yet, anything to do with animals suffering triggers me and i lose it completely, i am indeed so bad with this that i cant read or watch anything with animals being the main part, even if its good stuff, its a no way. Not even with a happy ending. So much so that all who know me in person know this and i simply have 1 stead fast rule, you do not tell me: period. I have been known to big time have a fall out with people over this, i state my boundries quite clear but some people think it is is okay to overstep them, carry on telling me, saying its okay because it ends well - i cant do it. That said, i rescue animals if i ever i come across one that needs rescuing, but it screws me up.

All that said, i am absolutley fine with pets who need to go vets, and people telling me this, i'm not saying i dont get upset when my cat used to go vets or friends animals do, but its fine. I think there is something here about animals being so vulnerable and at humans mercy, but i cant deal with the other stuff. I cant even take the kids to the pictures as i dont do animated films, its too close a call. I could say a few more bits here but alas i'm not in the right head space and really dont want to trigger myself.

So, back to today, i'm home from my sobbing episode. I rain checked lunch with my buddy :(
But the rest of my day is going to be okay, i'm still going to meet my mum and go round friends tonight and just try to chill a bit, i wish i could shake the heavy feeling but i cant, but its not going to stop me today.

Some other things: A good friend has been accepted on fertility treatment, this makes her day so much, they have been trying for kids for so long and time is running out a bit for them, and this is the best news they have had in ages. Of course, there is still a long way to go for them, but it's def on the right track for them.
I signed up yesterday to the YMCA sleep easy event next Friday, its a charity close to my heart, so i'm more than willing. We get to sleep rough for the night to raise money for the local youth homeless shelter. (i got just over £200 in sponsor money yesterday alone so all looking good) and i get to network with so many others. Reminder to self: Do not take any volunteer opportunities as a committment. I do already do little bits of support, but had to reduce my support massively in the last couple of months as i just cant commit at present. It sucks for sure, but it sucks more letting people down. 
Something really made me laugh yesterday, a memeber of staff at my new gig asked me yesterday why i didn't have the car that i really wanted. Long story short here, i love my car, my car is important to me, its personal, i love this car in particular, its the colour Blue which is my fav colour, its a bit sporty, its the car i saved for and drove 200 miles to pick up, and my car is the one of the very few spaces that i feel really safe in, but alas there are other cars which if i had money i would like. So this staff asks me the question and i explain that even 5 years old cars are around £10,000 and that sort of money is so far out of reach - probably for ever. She looks at me confused and it appeared that because i in theory do 3 people's jobs she thought i got 3 peoples wages. Ha!!!
Oh to be naive and think that and live in the ideal world! After explaining that no, i get 1 wage, and i live on my own, and things can get pretty tight when unexpected costs occur. Not knowing her very well i didnt go into anymore detail, if only she knews that albeit its the middle of winter i still dont have heating or hot water as i cant afford to get it fixed. There is also this assumption that because i have my own house on mortgage that i have money. That would be a no then, dont get me wrong, i am so so lucky to have my own house, but it was something i really wanted at the time and house prices were really low compared to now, i pay much less mortgage than anyone i know who pays rent, i just purchased at the right time i guess. Of couse, there are draw backs, i dont get to call a landlord to fix my heating, to replace my window which is rotten, or re glaze the back door after a little accident i had last year (oops), but it makes me feel safe knowing that i can stay here as long as i want and no one can take it from me. When it comes to money as well - its not something i particulary like to talk about, i would go as far to say i hate it, lets trade in pebbles instead! That said, if i have any spare left over at the end of the month i cant hold on to it, i like buying little gifts for friends, little surprises, or like this month, i had £20 spare (fags and petrol accounted for) and my eldest Nephew had no credit on his phone - i cant see him suffer and not speak to his new young love on the phone so i topped his phone up. Soft, maybe, but when you are 15 it is the most important thing in the world to him right now and he has my heart, so. Although, my sister texted me last night to blame me (laughing) that he was singing a song that he heard in my car, and ends with the chorus, sing, you motherfuckers sing! The Dresden Dolls rock and now he is their number 1 fan but for all the wrong reasons!