I felt it was important just to write a bit here today for my own record if for nothing else.
So it been a wobbly week for sure, but an update from the previous jumbled post.
I somehow managed to telephone my counselor (LA from here on in) on Thurs morn, its all a bit hazy now to be honest, i think i kind of felt there was nothing else left to do that could help me: I was past the point of being able to get some control myself, and although as in previous times i'm sure i would have managed it by myself just by burning out in a few days time, i just felt i needed help then as somehow it felt different than before.
So i managed to telephone, and as i said its all a bit hazy, i presume LA asked me to go over and see her, which i did. i dont remember the journey at all, but that's no big deal. I think we just spent some time getting grounded, getting my breathing back in sync, and trying to get some perspective on that i was safe now, and these were memories. I recall LA telling me a few times that i need to be the adult in control, the adult me can keep the mini me safe until its okay to talk about stuff, i'm now an adult and the memories and the feelings are that, memories and feelings and that i'm safe now. The bit i do remember is LA telling me that it will get better/more manageable, its like brain training, and with time i will be able to get to the point where i will be able to control the memories so that they are just memories and not feeling like they are happening now and not feeling consumed by them (or something similar to that). So that sounds like good news to me, just need to learn fast!
I told LA that i was scared to trust her because i was scared of feeling like i needed her or was reliant on her, i cant remember all that was said, but it was on the lines of of viewing it differently, more like support, while i need the support, until i can manage the process/thoughts/feelings by myself, i like that way of viewing of it, and she is right you know, because in my head now its no different that going on some learning and development oppotunities to learn a new part of a job, it just i'm learning to process stuff that happened years ago and how to manage it to continue to live an effective and full life, and maybe the part of me not wanting to be and feel vulnerable also needs twizzling round: If you don't know how to work Excel, Powerpoint, database, adobe captivate etc on a computer and you went on a 30 week course to learn it, you would feel vulnerable at the beginning because its something new, you might be unsure as to whether you would grasp it and retain it. I know its different because we are talking about feelings here, raw feelings which your whole life seems to be pivoting around, but if i want to get to the otherside - which i most certainly do, then surely its a small risk to take?
You know, i so like having better days like today, when you have had your 7 hours sleep, flashback free and you got plans for the day which dont include having a mini breakdown and a major panic session, yay for good days! And it doesn't matter that its a cloudy rainy day outside.
I think somehow its all become a bit clearer in my head, or maybe now i can be more accepting that there is a process to get through to the other side. If i can learn to control the flashbacks and the feelings that go with them it would be a massive step. LA thinks that once i can start to talk about the flashbacks and work through them with her it will help massively, and although there is alot that i need to get out that hasnt yet been in flashbacks, i guess we start with the flashbacks as these are the most predominant thoughts. I think my previous thoughts on not wanting to talk about the flashbacks were around LA not knowing stuff that lead up to it and me not wanting to just deal on something that feels massive which she doesn't yet know existed. Like she knows that there were 3 people who regularly abused me, she doesn't know that sometimes they had friends visit or that i was sent to visit their friends - its not that i don't want to tell her that, its just that i'm not there yet. But if a flashback i am struggling to hold involves when a visitor came to visit, it doesn't feel okay talking about that because she doesn't know about the visitors yet. Not sure if that makes sense, but i'm just going to have to get over that bit other wise the flashbacks just wont get talked about and they end up coming back to taunt me some more, which is what is happening with this one i have been having - luckily its gone away again for now, but its like the third time it has come up, spent days fucking with my head and gone again, i guess this one is gonna need getting out because it sure isnt going away, yet compared to other stuff, i dont know why its so difficult to hold.
The only way i can describe what re-occuring flashabcks are like is a bit like a tornado. With no warning, it starts, it builds up until i cant take it anymore and shatters everything in my life, i can't function, my thoughts spiral out of control i lose what is reality and what is memory. After it peaks, it gradually goes away again, just leaving destruction, raw feelings, confused feelings and feelings that i cant yet put a name to. Then at some point it comes back again. This is what we have to work on to stop.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
I'm not sure i can do this anymore, this process, this journey, this "healing". The problem is i can't get over the proverbial roundabout, trust me, if there was a choice i was jump off right off. This isn't about having a rough day, nor is it about finding it difficult, it is just too rough, too unsafe and too confusing and too close a call.
I had my counseling appt 2 days ago, i was having a good day, it wasn't a deep session, talked mostly about my family dynamics, when i was younger and now and yeah it was difficult but i was okay with it.
2 days later and more frequently than ever i feel out of control, my emotions feel out of control, my logical thought process feels out of control.
Right from a very early age, i was always in control of my emotions and feelings. I may not have been able to control what happened around me or to me, but i could process how i thought about it and managed it in my own way, and i guess the outcome of that was that i never spoke about my thoughts or feelings, i kept them to myself. Having my own rules in my head actually somehow kept me sane, albeit often causing me more pain, you would think being told that something causing you pain would stop if you cried, you would just cry: nope, my rules, no tears.
As an adult, still the same, in control of my emotions and feelings, that isn't to say that i am not emotional, i sure can be, but about others, other issues, other people's lives. Drill down to me and pretty much dead. I can with people i really trust open up more, but its rare and still controlled. I made alot of choices and decisions when i was young and it becomes clear that these were choices made by someone in captivity, and somehow i never moved on from that.
Diverse for a moment, my job: I am seriously hanging on by my finger tips, and feeling those slipping. i have now given back every other responsibility that is not actually part of my job, i'm not doing any voluntary work, not on any project meetings, not on any boards. I know that i do the job of three people so regardless of being in a head space that is not always manageable, i would be freaking busy, but you know, i'm missing deadlines. It's a bit like playing a space invader game, some are passing me by and i've got no chance of hitting the deadline, some of them i didn't even see coming, of course, i respond by saying yep nearly done and spend the next 24 hours solid working on it and no one knows any difference, but it would be silly of me to think i can keep that up. I'm drowning.
I have 2 problems here (yeah, laugh, just 2!), but this is how i can explain it it my most logical but illogical way:
Counseling/trust/feelings/vulnerability. (rolled into 1 problem). My counselor, seriously, she is ok, i like her, feels like a good fit. I do feel lucky, i see some of the other counselors in the place and think "thank fuck i haven't got them". Just their general outlook on life, overhearing their conversations (not professional ones), just their body language, idk. So the issue here is i'm starting to trust her, not massive trust, but enough to make me feel vulnerable, enough to make me feel scared, enough for me to know that maybe this is my time. The double edged sword here is i don't want to trust her, trusting her means telling her stuff, means talking about feelings, means unpacking all of it and a thousand other things. You see, of course, but i do want to trust her, no one is making me go for counseling after all, this is of my own free will. Now, on a % scale, i would say she knows right now about 1% - but thats enough to make me feel vulnerable. The issue as well is around managing my emotions in between appts, so much happens emotion wise for me right now in 1 week that i could have gone up and down big time twice in the time between sessions. But, i don't want to rely on her, rely on her support, rely on her being able to listen or to be there, yet, i find myself wanting to speak to her when i am finding things particulary difficult - which of course i dont, but the thought is there. In absolute fairness to her, she tells me if ever i want to talk to her/meet for an extra session i just need to ring the office and they will contact her for me and she will call me. I couldn't ask for any more. I got so close this morning to telephoning, phone in hand - but them realized that i wouldn't know what to say if i did somehow get to speak to her, because i don't know what the problem is (as in how to say what i need from her). I keep getting this overwhelming instant anxiety, which increases in intensity as the weeks go on, mix that in with some crappy flashback that i am trying so hard not to acknowledge, mix that in with some body memories/ real physical pain sensations and i'm about ready to burst at the seams. What scared me the most here was that i actually thought about ringing her, i actually thought about saying in person to someone some of the crap in my head. Not good.
I guess you may be reading this and thinking, this is a good sign, talking about it will help, everyone feels nervous about opening up. This isnt how it is. what scares me the most is i wont be able to control how i feel, what emotions i will feel, what i may say, what will come tumbling out, and most of all, not being able to put myself back together and seriously just falling apart and staying that way. Like shattering a jigsaw and throwing away 20 pieces so it will never get whole again. This right now feels like a serious threat, it feels like the risk is too great. I seriously know that some days, i would struggle to pass a mental capacity test, thats not said with a twist of humour, thats some days how it feels. Yet 12/24 hours later i can haqve kicked my own ass that hard i can be back on the shop floor managing my units effectively. So fucking diverse.
My second problem: I'm falling apart. That is said with a twist of humour, but let me explain this briefly. A few months ago i started this journal, yeah, i was all over the place emotionally/mentally. I need you to use your imagination here and think of the whole me as my house ( i know its hard when you dont know me or my house, but go with me).
6 months ago, all systems working good, maybe a few window catches needed tending to, lurking in a locked cupboard was a monster that was about to shatter my world.
5 Months ago, monster comes out and shatters some windows, everything gets shaky.
3 months ago, monster smashes everything in the house, all the windows, doors, furniture and monsters disappears off leaving behind a massive whole in the front of the house and an eddy inside.
Now: Every system in house is broken, no electric, no gas, no heating or water, no shower, no cooker, no nothing, empty vacant house, no doors, completely vulnerable, my safe haven is upstairs, the stairs have been pulled down but there is a rope, some days i can reach the rope others i cant, some days i feel safe other i don't, some days i feel i can ask for help, others i can't. Some days i'm so confused and dizzy from being stuck in the eddy that i dont know the difference between real pain and remembered pain.
Somedays i feel strong enough to start repairing the house, other days i want to walk away, in what ever shape or form that is.
In all of this, what i just don't get is this: I know what happened to me, i lived through it, i've held it quite okay in my own way for all of these years, i don't get how it can be so unmanageable now. I was abused as a kid, so were unfortunately millions of other people, it happened. I accept it, what the fuck else do i need to do for it to be okay?
Its a dangerous place to be this close to the edge of sanity sometimes and knowing that you are there......
I had my counseling appt 2 days ago, i was having a good day, it wasn't a deep session, talked mostly about my family dynamics, when i was younger and now and yeah it was difficult but i was okay with it.
2 days later and more frequently than ever i feel out of control, my emotions feel out of control, my logical thought process feels out of control.
Right from a very early age, i was always in control of my emotions and feelings. I may not have been able to control what happened around me or to me, but i could process how i thought about it and managed it in my own way, and i guess the outcome of that was that i never spoke about my thoughts or feelings, i kept them to myself. Having my own rules in my head actually somehow kept me sane, albeit often causing me more pain, you would think being told that something causing you pain would stop if you cried, you would just cry: nope, my rules, no tears.
As an adult, still the same, in control of my emotions and feelings, that isn't to say that i am not emotional, i sure can be, but about others, other issues, other people's lives. Drill down to me and pretty much dead. I can with people i really trust open up more, but its rare and still controlled. I made alot of choices and decisions when i was young and it becomes clear that these were choices made by someone in captivity, and somehow i never moved on from that.
Diverse for a moment, my job: I am seriously hanging on by my finger tips, and feeling those slipping. i have now given back every other responsibility that is not actually part of my job, i'm not doing any voluntary work, not on any project meetings, not on any boards. I know that i do the job of three people so regardless of being in a head space that is not always manageable, i would be freaking busy, but you know, i'm missing deadlines. It's a bit like playing a space invader game, some are passing me by and i've got no chance of hitting the deadline, some of them i didn't even see coming, of course, i respond by saying yep nearly done and spend the next 24 hours solid working on it and no one knows any difference, but it would be silly of me to think i can keep that up. I'm drowning.
I have 2 problems here (yeah, laugh, just 2!), but this is how i can explain it it my most logical but illogical way:
Counseling/trust/feelings/vulnerability. (rolled into 1 problem). My counselor, seriously, she is ok, i like her, feels like a good fit. I do feel lucky, i see some of the other counselors in the place and think "thank fuck i haven't got them". Just their general outlook on life, overhearing their conversations (not professional ones), just their body language, idk. So the issue here is i'm starting to trust her, not massive trust, but enough to make me feel vulnerable, enough to make me feel scared, enough for me to know that maybe this is my time. The double edged sword here is i don't want to trust her, trusting her means telling her stuff, means talking about feelings, means unpacking all of it and a thousand other things. You see, of course, but i do want to trust her, no one is making me go for counseling after all, this is of my own free will. Now, on a % scale, i would say she knows right now about 1% - but thats enough to make me feel vulnerable. The issue as well is around managing my emotions in between appts, so much happens emotion wise for me right now in 1 week that i could have gone up and down big time twice in the time between sessions. But, i don't want to rely on her, rely on her support, rely on her being able to listen or to be there, yet, i find myself wanting to speak to her when i am finding things particulary difficult - which of course i dont, but the thought is there. In absolute fairness to her, she tells me if ever i want to talk to her/meet for an extra session i just need to ring the office and they will contact her for me and she will call me. I couldn't ask for any more. I got so close this morning to telephoning, phone in hand - but them realized that i wouldn't know what to say if i did somehow get to speak to her, because i don't know what the problem is (as in how to say what i need from her). I keep getting this overwhelming instant anxiety, which increases in intensity as the weeks go on, mix that in with some crappy flashback that i am trying so hard not to acknowledge, mix that in with some body memories/ real physical pain sensations and i'm about ready to burst at the seams. What scared me the most here was that i actually thought about ringing her, i actually thought about saying in person to someone some of the crap in my head. Not good.
I guess you may be reading this and thinking, this is a good sign, talking about it will help, everyone feels nervous about opening up. This isnt how it is. what scares me the most is i wont be able to control how i feel, what emotions i will feel, what i may say, what will come tumbling out, and most of all, not being able to put myself back together and seriously just falling apart and staying that way. Like shattering a jigsaw and throwing away 20 pieces so it will never get whole again. This right now feels like a serious threat, it feels like the risk is too great. I seriously know that some days, i would struggle to pass a mental capacity test, thats not said with a twist of humour, thats some days how it feels. Yet 12/24 hours later i can haqve kicked my own ass that hard i can be back on the shop floor managing my units effectively. So fucking diverse.
My second problem: I'm falling apart. That is said with a twist of humour, but let me explain this briefly. A few months ago i started this journal, yeah, i was all over the place emotionally/mentally. I need you to use your imagination here and think of the whole me as my house ( i know its hard when you dont know me or my house, but go with me).
6 months ago, all systems working good, maybe a few window catches needed tending to, lurking in a locked cupboard was a monster that was about to shatter my world.
5 Months ago, monster comes out and shatters some windows, everything gets shaky.
3 months ago, monster smashes everything in the house, all the windows, doors, furniture and monsters disappears off leaving behind a massive whole in the front of the house and an eddy inside.
Now: Every system in house is broken, no electric, no gas, no heating or water, no shower, no cooker, no nothing, empty vacant house, no doors, completely vulnerable, my safe haven is upstairs, the stairs have been pulled down but there is a rope, some days i can reach the rope others i cant, some days i feel safe other i don't, some days i feel i can ask for help, others i can't. Some days i'm so confused and dizzy from being stuck in the eddy that i dont know the difference between real pain and remembered pain.
Somedays i feel strong enough to start repairing the house, other days i want to walk away, in what ever shape or form that is.
In all of this, what i just don't get is this: I know what happened to me, i lived through it, i've held it quite okay in my own way for all of these years, i don't get how it can be so unmanageable now. I was abused as a kid, so were unfortunately millions of other people, it happened. I accept it, what the fuck else do i need to do for it to be okay?
Its a dangerous place to be this close to the edge of sanity sometimes and knowing that you are there......
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
I have no idea what to do with myself: That may sound rather strange and fucked up - that's because it is.
Honestly, i just want to run away, get in my car and just drive forever, just drive until i realize the theorists and indeed Columbus were wrong and the world isn't round its flat and i will drive off the edge into some abyss. But, what's the point, i'm only running from me, and i will catch up with myself, i'm clever like that.
I'm not entirely sure whats screwing my head the most, the fact that i am so so SO fucking behind with work or that i somehow have to work through this shitty crappy healing crap lark to feel like i am human.
I fucked up at work this week, i had a multi-disciplinary strategy meeting, my meeting, i was chairing it and i couldn't do it. Oh how i knew i couldn't do it on the morning, i stood shouting at myself in the mirror, telling myself to get a fucking grip, to stop being such a twat and go and do your job. It was too late, already a night with no sleep under my belt, a flashback that has decided its going to stay put and "just thought i would make an appearance" fight or flight anxiety. Yeah, so i fucked up. One of my biggest fears in all of this - can i keep hold of my job, can i do enough on the better days to keep my head above water, oh, i'm slowly realizing i can't. Honestly, if nothing new landed on my lap and somehow i could absorb any new developments with out having to read about them, my work load is about 6 months deep, and thats not even with projects that i want to be doing or new initiatives that i want to be taking forward, or updating or reviewing documents, i feel so swamped, i dont know where to even make a fucking start, and of course, the pile grows daily.
Oh and counseling this week, yep, fucked that up as well. I was agitated, had fucked up with work, was really struggling with this stupid flashback, all i could do was hold on tight and try not to crumble into some weeping mess. I managed it, but in my own fucked up way. I'm now going again tomorrow, yep twice in 1 week means i'm doubly fucked up. All credit to her, she could see i was fucked up and wants me to talk about whats fucking my head up, umm, thats where i fail, again. Yet, i know i need to do this to move on, it's no different than saying i broke my ankle - is it?
Okay, test 1: While on holiday, i was playing volleyball with the locals, i jumped and landed on a rock that was buried beneath the sand. Upon landing my ankle snapped, i was in pain and i was physically sick. I went to the hospital, had an x-ray, had broken my ankle in 3 places and torn all the ligaments, had plaster cast put on and given crutches. How did i feel? (My counselors constant question) - i felt in pain, i felt disappointed that my plans for the holiday had gone down the pan with the activities i had already booked, i felt annoyed and vulnerable at the hospital because of the language barrier, not knowing what was going on apart from them showing me my x-ray and holding up 3 fingers.
Okay, test 2: While at the abusers house i realized they were all off their fucking nuts on some narcotic. I was picked up and held while the others stripped my clothes off, naked with in seconds. They were also stripping just as fast like someone had said first one to get bollock naked gets another purple om. I was put on the table and was suffocated with in minutes. Fuck, i can't do this
Honestly, i just want to run away, get in my car and just drive forever, just drive until i realize the theorists and indeed Columbus were wrong and the world isn't round its flat and i will drive off the edge into some abyss. But, what's the point, i'm only running from me, and i will catch up with myself, i'm clever like that.
I'm not entirely sure whats screwing my head the most, the fact that i am so so SO fucking behind with work or that i somehow have to work through this shitty crappy healing crap lark to feel like i am human.
I fucked up at work this week, i had a multi-disciplinary strategy meeting, my meeting, i was chairing it and i couldn't do it. Oh how i knew i couldn't do it on the morning, i stood shouting at myself in the mirror, telling myself to get a fucking grip, to stop being such a twat and go and do your job. It was too late, already a night with no sleep under my belt, a flashback that has decided its going to stay put and "just thought i would make an appearance" fight or flight anxiety. Yeah, so i fucked up. One of my biggest fears in all of this - can i keep hold of my job, can i do enough on the better days to keep my head above water, oh, i'm slowly realizing i can't. Honestly, if nothing new landed on my lap and somehow i could absorb any new developments with out having to read about them, my work load is about 6 months deep, and thats not even with projects that i want to be doing or new initiatives that i want to be taking forward, or updating or reviewing documents, i feel so swamped, i dont know where to even make a fucking start, and of course, the pile grows daily.
Oh and counseling this week, yep, fucked that up as well. I was agitated, had fucked up with work, was really struggling with this stupid flashback, all i could do was hold on tight and try not to crumble into some weeping mess. I managed it, but in my own fucked up way. I'm now going again tomorrow, yep twice in 1 week means i'm doubly fucked up. All credit to her, she could see i was fucked up and wants me to talk about whats fucking my head up, umm, thats where i fail, again. Yet, i know i need to do this to move on, it's no different than saying i broke my ankle - is it?
Okay, test 1: While on holiday, i was playing volleyball with the locals, i jumped and landed on a rock that was buried beneath the sand. Upon landing my ankle snapped, i was in pain and i was physically sick. I went to the hospital, had an x-ray, had broken my ankle in 3 places and torn all the ligaments, had plaster cast put on and given crutches. How did i feel? (My counselors constant question) - i felt in pain, i felt disappointed that my plans for the holiday had gone down the pan with the activities i had already booked, i felt annoyed and vulnerable at the hospital because of the language barrier, not knowing what was going on apart from them showing me my x-ray and holding up 3 fingers.
Okay, test 2: While at the abusers house i realized they were all off their fucking nuts on some narcotic. I was picked up and held while the others stripped my clothes off, naked with in seconds. They were also stripping just as fast like someone had said first one to get bollock naked gets another purple om. I was put on the table and was suffocated with in minutes. Fuck, i can't do this
Monday, 1 March 2010
This is just a bookmark.
ARGHHHHH
Fuck it, fuck all of it.
It is so not okay to be me right now, my days are so random, my thoughts are so random and I am just fucked off with it.
Why? Because I don't want it, it is as simple as that. I know the abuse is part of me, it has helped in someway shape who I am today, i get that, i'm even okay with that because who esle would i be, i don't know any different than who i am. So i get all of that, but there is no fucking need for it to be fucking with my head like this.
It's fucking crazy making shit. Why isn't it just simple, why does this have to be different.
Do i think about/have flashbacks about/not sleep about/feel consumed by other stuff that have caused me some grief in my life - No - so why not - lets list a few.
Okay, there there is my 75% complete list of lifeism's. I can deal with all of them, they don't cause me sleepless nights, or flashbacks, or triggers (maybe a few triggers in there but nothing i cant handle). So why the fuck can't i handle being abused as a kid??? The thing here as well is that i don't think you need to have been abused to have the feelings that i have, these feeling can occur for any number of reasons if you were traumatized or if something had that much impact on you: You don't only feel shame if you have been abused, you don't only feel vulnerable if you have been abused, you dont have to been abused to have a dislike to sex, get what i mean?
So why cant i just let it go. Some warped fucked up people decided they were going to have sex with this kid, so they did. Thats the deal, just let it go. I cant change it, i cant alter how i felt, i cant change the outcome, they cant take it back, i cant pretend it didnt happen, it is part of who i am. So FUCK OFF from screwing my head up. I accept it, i totally accept it, what else do i need to do. I know what happened, i'm not in denial, i know what they did. So why this stupid fucking video in my head showing it to me again. I don't need to remember what pattern the carpet was, i know it, i dont need to be shown the kid looking frantically for its clothes, i remember it, i dont need to be shown an adult fucking a kid, i remember it, i dont need to be shown a kid throwing up because adult used her mouth for oral sex, i remember it, i dont need to be shown the kid not being able to stand up because she has been fucked so hard in every orifice that she is too weak to stand, i fucking remember it.
Breathe.............
A summary of the last couple of weeks flashbacks. You know, its okay.
Breathe............
Seriously, its okay, i can hold it. But i dont want it, thats my point. Who would want this floating around their head on a sunny day - exactly - no one, so why is it floating round in my head. I know it happened, i can hold it, i know it wasn't the kid's fault.
I would, seriously, sell everything i own to not have this in my head. Material things only mean so much. I would sell my house, my beautiful car, my books, my computers, my garden ornaments, my bike, my sun lounger, all my gadget toys, my kites and board and my electric blanket. They don't mean anything, they could all be replaced, i would do that in an instant if it stopped this every day torture.
Okay, so today is just a crappy shitty fuck arse day. Not everyday is like this, if it was, then see ya. But you know, its getting irritating at the least and soul destroying at the most, and somewhere in between is the me who is trying to get on with every day life, trying to keep my head above water with work and failing dismally, trying to keep friends content with a happy hows it going text, trying to help my sister with feeling so ill after chemo again, trying to keep mother dear on an even keel (for my own sanity), trying not to bug my friend with e-mails, trying to go to counseling in a positve state so maybe some of this shit can get talked about.
Okay, thats my 2.15am rant and rave. Insomnia and me are not good friends this week.
Still ARGHHHHHH
ARGHHHHH
Fuck it, fuck all of it.
It is so not okay to be me right now, my days are so random, my thoughts are so random and I am just fucked off with it.
Why? Because I don't want it, it is as simple as that. I know the abuse is part of me, it has helped in someway shape who I am today, i get that, i'm even okay with that because who esle would i be, i don't know any different than who i am. So i get all of that, but there is no fucking need for it to be fucking with my head like this.
It's fucking crazy making shit. Why isn't it just simple, why does this have to be different.
Do i think about/have flashbacks about/not sleep about/feel consumed by other stuff that have caused me some grief in my life - No - so why not - lets list a few.
- Being sexually assaulted at age 6
- Being kidnapped at age 8
- Watching your mother jump out of moving car and rolling and rolling in the road - age about 10
- Being belted - aged 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12.
- Being held up against the wall with a knife - aged 12
- Watching your father restrain your mother because she is going to kill herself and me - aged 13
- Feeling responsible for mother leaving home because i didnt eat my tea - Age 5 to 12
- Being dragged by my hair for 10 mins in the centre of town and no one stopping her to tell her to fucking stop it. Aged about 9
- Having your shorts and pants pulled down in street and having your arse smacked - age about 7
- Having your mother be told that you were sexually abused - then never speaking to you about it.
- Breaking your arm so badly that a specialist surgeon needs to be brought in, knowing at aged 5 you want to die from pain and watching your mother just leave the room.
- Attempting suicide - age about 14
- Running away from home at 16 - sometimes living on the streets
- Finding what you think is love, then him dying before you get the chance to find out if it was. Age 17
- Attempted mugging - he came off worse. Age about 25
- Standing on the top of a cliff feeling content with your decision to jump. Age - numerous occasions
- Breaking my ankle in 3 places while abroad.
- Physically assulted while in my car, trapped by my seat belt - they didn't get my car though. Age 30
- Being held hostage in your own house by someone who was infatuated with me (lordy knows why) - i actually felt sorry for them so didn't act when i should have done - umm. Aged 30
- Having someone who i loved deeply suicide. Seeing it, regretting missing the call and text. Aged 34
Okay, there there is my 75% complete list of lifeism's. I can deal with all of them, they don't cause me sleepless nights, or flashbacks, or triggers (maybe a few triggers in there but nothing i cant handle). So why the fuck can't i handle being abused as a kid??? The thing here as well is that i don't think you need to have been abused to have the feelings that i have, these feeling can occur for any number of reasons if you were traumatized or if something had that much impact on you: You don't only feel shame if you have been abused, you don't only feel vulnerable if you have been abused, you dont have to been abused to have a dislike to sex, get what i mean?
So why cant i just let it go. Some warped fucked up people decided they were going to have sex with this kid, so they did. Thats the deal, just let it go. I cant change it, i cant alter how i felt, i cant change the outcome, they cant take it back, i cant pretend it didnt happen, it is part of who i am. So FUCK OFF from screwing my head up. I accept it, i totally accept it, what else do i need to do. I know what happened, i'm not in denial, i know what they did. So why this stupid fucking video in my head showing it to me again. I don't need to remember what pattern the carpet was, i know it, i dont need to be shown the kid looking frantically for its clothes, i remember it, i dont need to be shown an adult fucking a kid, i remember it, i dont need to be shown a kid throwing up because adult used her mouth for oral sex, i remember it, i dont need to be shown the kid not being able to stand up because she has been fucked so hard in every orifice that she is too weak to stand, i fucking remember it.
Breathe.............
A summary of the last couple of weeks flashbacks. You know, its okay.
Breathe............
Seriously, its okay, i can hold it. But i dont want it, thats my point. Who would want this floating around their head on a sunny day - exactly - no one, so why is it floating round in my head. I know it happened, i can hold it, i know it wasn't the kid's fault.
I would, seriously, sell everything i own to not have this in my head. Material things only mean so much. I would sell my house, my beautiful car, my books, my computers, my garden ornaments, my bike, my sun lounger, all my gadget toys, my kites and board and my electric blanket. They don't mean anything, they could all be replaced, i would do that in an instant if it stopped this every day torture.
Okay, so today is just a crappy shitty fuck arse day. Not everyday is like this, if it was, then see ya. But you know, its getting irritating at the least and soul destroying at the most, and somewhere in between is the me who is trying to get on with every day life, trying to keep my head above water with work and failing dismally, trying to keep friends content with a happy hows it going text, trying to help my sister with feeling so ill after chemo again, trying to keep mother dear on an even keel (for my own sanity), trying not to bug my friend with e-mails, trying to go to counseling in a positve state so maybe some of this shit can get talked about.
Okay, thats my 2.15am rant and rave. Insomnia and me are not good friends this week.
Still ARGHHHHHH
Saturday, 20 February 2010
What a week!
It's been a bit of an eventful week, but.......by a long shot, one of the best weeks i have had in the last 4 to 5 months in terms of flashbacks and triggers. Just super yay!!
In case you can't tell, i want to shout it from the rooftops - in fact i might. To have 4 days of continuous feel good days, no flashbacks, no triggers, no feeling this heaviness all around me, no needing to talk needing to get stuff out, its like being liberated.
And really, the odds have been against me this week as well, so i'm even more stoked :)
In terms of healing, i was really struggling to hold some memories of a event that happened during the abuse, and although i had spoken about it once before, the after events were becoming too difficult to hold, so, i just got them down and mailed them to my friend. It's not about wanting my feelings to be validated, or to be understood, for me it is just getting it out there to someone who you trust, just sharing it. And i know how lucky i am to have someone watching my back who i trust so much. I think once i got this out it kind of really lifted things and although i guess that's not the end of it and at some point there may be some work to be done on it, it feels like its not so heavy to hold, and the other good thing was i managed to say what i needed to say in "adult mode" - compared to flashback mode.
Had my first counseling appt this week, and it was okay. Honestly, really okay. I'm really stoked about that as well, i really really need this to be effective and it was positive. I've been asked to journal flashbacks and triggers and how i feel in them/after them, how i grounded myself - or not! I was thinking was going to be a full time job after the last couple of weeks, but alas, my paper sits blank - if this continues all weekend i dont think the counselor will believe me, considering i was telling her how it is just trigger after trigger and building flashbacks until i feel i am going to combust. I don't wanted to get too super exited here, but could this be the start of turning the corner? Oooh, yes yes yes.
Update from my last post, after kicking my butt into gear: I've got my new mobile phone and it does what i need it to do. I've got a heating engineer coming out next week to see if my boiler can be fixed - Oh what heaven it would be, after the snow here in the last few days i'm kind of really needing some heat.
I've kept pretty much on top of general house stuff - well to my normal standards, but yeah, no having to go commando this week!
The rest of my week - which makes me even more stoked i got through in one piece ( I say this because lately i struggle to manage a full week of anything because it is normally dominated by flashbacks and triggers and my working week can feel so overwhelming with the amount of work piling up, and anything out of the norm sends me sideways - oh to get back to my normal world of just lapping it all up and embracing everything life gives you).
I travelled to Nottingham for some work related projects which i have been putting off like big time. A colleague came with me and....it was all good. I spent 7 hours in someone else's company and it was all okay, i delivered on the projects, got some more super idea's, drank some fine coffee and it was all good.
I have met two crucial deadlines with work this week, trust me, that feeling is great.
I have had a friend leave their partner and land on my doorstep - previous this current rough patch, this would have never been a problem, anyone is welcome, laze and graze at mine is part of normal life. But the last few months, my door is firmly shut, i've been so in the soup that managing myself is about my limits, let alone supporting someone else, so, taking my sobbing and distressed friend in was a biggie. Alas, it was all okay, we talked and talked and things felt clearer for her in the morning, albeit both with groggy heads as too much vino was consumed for a weeknight! They have patched things up and knowing how sexual their relationship is i would has at a guess, their bed (lounge, kitchen, shower, car and any other place really) is gonna be rocking for a few more days yet, yay for them.
I've had a cold all week as well, which is no big deal in it's self, but i can often get triggered when i'm ill, i'm not quite sure why i do but it is normally if i am housebound ill, but no triggers at all this time, just a red nose, watery eyes and a voice that sounds even more nasal than it normally does.
Had to deal with a mother crisis: not really a crisis but in mum's world everything is ten fold and i've learnt over the years that although i try not to react to her exageration, if i dont pay a visit and try to rationalize things with her it just gets bigger and bigger and actually doesn't benefit me. So, daughter duties undertaken, a major crisis avoided and a mum licking her wounds a bit i'm afraid as there needed to be some home truths about her current living situation, her proposed new living situation and her multiple relationships. Now without going into a 10 page write up on the in's and outs of what i feel about realtionships, i will keep it short and sweet and just get that it obviously goes alot deeper and there are a thousand more other things to consider.
My simplistic summary is: If everyone involved is honest, respectful, communicates well, knows and agree's what the boundries are, it is wanted by all parties: then great, it can absolutely work. There are so many different models of realationships and we are such a diverse society that one size most certainly does not fit all. Unfortunately my mum does the exact opposite of my summary, and she just doesn't get it, she can be so sneaky and dishonest - to the point where she actually believes her own dishonesty - its unbelieveable. And i actually had to point out to her that one of the things she was saying was actually just not true, but she gets so caught up in her own web of deceit that she couldn't see it. Arghhh
I also had a little accident in my car this week - all is okay and the beautiful car is not damaged, needed to just get my wheels realigned so no biggie. I spun it off the road in the heavy snowfall on Thursday evening. As much as i love this car, it is indeed the worse car i've had for how it handles in snow and ice, and it proved it to me!
The rest of my weekend goes like this: Working on some projects i need to get bits done on unitl this evening. Tonight, i'm out for a meal with my darts team (i'm not playing this season - the season started about 2 months after being in the soup and i just knew i couldn't commit to going every week so i gracefully gave my place up for the season, and i miss it, i miss the laughs, the competitive spirit and all the other teams we play, there really are some rockin people in our league).
Sunday, if all goes to plan and i get to finish my pieces of work today, i am having a work free day. Lunch is on the cards with a good friend, also told my ex-step mom (gets complicated!) that i would try and pop in for coffee, she just rocks and i've missed seeing her over the last few months, her partner has just had surgery on a knee injury he got while plalying football last week, so she is playing at being Florence Nightingale, and this i just have to see! Also, i'm planning to turn my TV on to watch some of the winter Olympic's. I really don't watch any TV, just doesn't do it for me. If i do watch it, it's because there is documentary on about something i want to see - if TV was just factual i would probably have it on more, but alas its not, its mostly fictional and yet people get caught up in watching this fictional world and basing their lives on opinions on these fictional characters which they end up believing is real life and comparing thier lives or experiences to it. Ummm. Don't get me wrong, i'm not adverse to the TV, there are some excellent drama's on and all this is okay so long as it's taken in the context of its supposed to be entertainment. And to be honest, it just doesn't do it for me, sitting in front of a big black box watching your life tick away, taking centre place in your lounge and being the focus of people's evenings - and yes, i'm aware that i am different than most people i know, but that just makes me, me :)
There has also been alot of politic's going on with work this week and it's been as frustrating as hell, but a collegue came up with a solution which just worked for a couple of us trusted people.
It can become somewhat frustrating to say the least when you are in a position at work where everything you say is taken as gospel, you always have to deliver the positive message, people look to you for the inspiration. Well sometimes i and a few others just want to be able to say " It's shit, i don't agree with...., no it's not the end of the fucking world because your wife is ill and you cant find a child minder and you left work early and didn't follow procedure, blah blah blah." I want to be able to say this with out others thinking that you don't give a shit, with out it coming back to hit you in the face, or most importantly people not taking your messages and advice and instruction seriously because they have seen a differen't side to you. I'm not sure if i'm making sense here. So, once a month we all have a managers briefing and a select few of us are going to wander off the local pub afterwards and just have a get it out session, with out fear of comeback, or with out people thinking we are not committed to the cause, and we are really looking forward to it and the first one is this Tues. Of course, there are trusted colleagues that i can do this with anyway, but often the chance to get together becomes impossible due to workloads, and as we all will be at these briefing it was the ideal opportunity. To be clear here, this isn't a bitch fest, it's about airing our opinions to trusted others with out it being taken out of context.
It's been a bit of an eventful week, but.......by a long shot, one of the best weeks i have had in the last 4 to 5 months in terms of flashbacks and triggers. Just super yay!!
In case you can't tell, i want to shout it from the rooftops - in fact i might. To have 4 days of continuous feel good days, no flashbacks, no triggers, no feeling this heaviness all around me, no needing to talk needing to get stuff out, its like being liberated.
And really, the odds have been against me this week as well, so i'm even more stoked :)
In terms of healing, i was really struggling to hold some memories of a event that happened during the abuse, and although i had spoken about it once before, the after events were becoming too difficult to hold, so, i just got them down and mailed them to my friend. It's not about wanting my feelings to be validated, or to be understood, for me it is just getting it out there to someone who you trust, just sharing it. And i know how lucky i am to have someone watching my back who i trust so much. I think once i got this out it kind of really lifted things and although i guess that's not the end of it and at some point there may be some work to be done on it, it feels like its not so heavy to hold, and the other good thing was i managed to say what i needed to say in "adult mode" - compared to flashback mode.
Had my first counseling appt this week, and it was okay. Honestly, really okay. I'm really stoked about that as well, i really really need this to be effective and it was positive. I've been asked to journal flashbacks and triggers and how i feel in them/after them, how i grounded myself - or not! I was thinking was going to be a full time job after the last couple of weeks, but alas, my paper sits blank - if this continues all weekend i dont think the counselor will believe me, considering i was telling her how it is just trigger after trigger and building flashbacks until i feel i am going to combust. I don't wanted to get too super exited here, but could this be the start of turning the corner? Oooh, yes yes yes.
Update from my last post, after kicking my butt into gear: I've got my new mobile phone and it does what i need it to do. I've got a heating engineer coming out next week to see if my boiler can be fixed - Oh what heaven it would be, after the snow here in the last few days i'm kind of really needing some heat.
I've kept pretty much on top of general house stuff - well to my normal standards, but yeah, no having to go commando this week!
The rest of my week - which makes me even more stoked i got through in one piece ( I say this because lately i struggle to manage a full week of anything because it is normally dominated by flashbacks and triggers and my working week can feel so overwhelming with the amount of work piling up, and anything out of the norm sends me sideways - oh to get back to my normal world of just lapping it all up and embracing everything life gives you).
I travelled to Nottingham for some work related projects which i have been putting off like big time. A colleague came with me and....it was all good. I spent 7 hours in someone else's company and it was all okay, i delivered on the projects, got some more super idea's, drank some fine coffee and it was all good.
I have met two crucial deadlines with work this week, trust me, that feeling is great.
I have had a friend leave their partner and land on my doorstep - previous this current rough patch, this would have never been a problem, anyone is welcome, laze and graze at mine is part of normal life. But the last few months, my door is firmly shut, i've been so in the soup that managing myself is about my limits, let alone supporting someone else, so, taking my sobbing and distressed friend in was a biggie. Alas, it was all okay, we talked and talked and things felt clearer for her in the morning, albeit both with groggy heads as too much vino was consumed for a weeknight! They have patched things up and knowing how sexual their relationship is i would has at a guess, their bed (lounge, kitchen, shower, car and any other place really) is gonna be rocking for a few more days yet, yay for them.
I've had a cold all week as well, which is no big deal in it's self, but i can often get triggered when i'm ill, i'm not quite sure why i do but it is normally if i am housebound ill, but no triggers at all this time, just a red nose, watery eyes and a voice that sounds even more nasal than it normally does.
Had to deal with a mother crisis: not really a crisis but in mum's world everything is ten fold and i've learnt over the years that although i try not to react to her exageration, if i dont pay a visit and try to rationalize things with her it just gets bigger and bigger and actually doesn't benefit me. So, daughter duties undertaken, a major crisis avoided and a mum licking her wounds a bit i'm afraid as there needed to be some home truths about her current living situation, her proposed new living situation and her multiple relationships. Now without going into a 10 page write up on the in's and outs of what i feel about realtionships, i will keep it short and sweet and just get that it obviously goes alot deeper and there are a thousand more other things to consider.
My simplistic summary is: If everyone involved is honest, respectful, communicates well, knows and agree's what the boundries are, it is wanted by all parties: then great, it can absolutely work. There are so many different models of realationships and we are such a diverse society that one size most certainly does not fit all. Unfortunately my mum does the exact opposite of my summary, and she just doesn't get it, she can be so sneaky and dishonest - to the point where she actually believes her own dishonesty - its unbelieveable. And i actually had to point out to her that one of the things she was saying was actually just not true, but she gets so caught up in her own web of deceit that she couldn't see it. Arghhh
I also had a little accident in my car this week - all is okay and the beautiful car is not damaged, needed to just get my wheels realigned so no biggie. I spun it off the road in the heavy snowfall on Thursday evening. As much as i love this car, it is indeed the worse car i've had for how it handles in snow and ice, and it proved it to me!
The rest of my weekend goes like this: Working on some projects i need to get bits done on unitl this evening. Tonight, i'm out for a meal with my darts team (i'm not playing this season - the season started about 2 months after being in the soup and i just knew i couldn't commit to going every week so i gracefully gave my place up for the season, and i miss it, i miss the laughs, the competitive spirit and all the other teams we play, there really are some rockin people in our league).
Sunday, if all goes to plan and i get to finish my pieces of work today, i am having a work free day. Lunch is on the cards with a good friend, also told my ex-step mom (gets complicated!) that i would try and pop in for coffee, she just rocks and i've missed seeing her over the last few months, her partner has just had surgery on a knee injury he got while plalying football last week, so she is playing at being Florence Nightingale, and this i just have to see! Also, i'm planning to turn my TV on to watch some of the winter Olympic's. I really don't watch any TV, just doesn't do it for me. If i do watch it, it's because there is documentary on about something i want to see - if TV was just factual i would probably have it on more, but alas its not, its mostly fictional and yet people get caught up in watching this fictional world and basing their lives on opinions on these fictional characters which they end up believing is real life and comparing thier lives or experiences to it. Ummm. Don't get me wrong, i'm not adverse to the TV, there are some excellent drama's on and all this is okay so long as it's taken in the context of its supposed to be entertainment. And to be honest, it just doesn't do it for me, sitting in front of a big black box watching your life tick away, taking centre place in your lounge and being the focus of people's evenings - and yes, i'm aware that i am different than most people i know, but that just makes me, me :)
There has also been alot of politic's going on with work this week and it's been as frustrating as hell, but a collegue came up with a solution which just worked for a couple of us trusted people.
It can become somewhat frustrating to say the least when you are in a position at work where everything you say is taken as gospel, you always have to deliver the positive message, people look to you for the inspiration. Well sometimes i and a few others just want to be able to say " It's shit, i don't agree with...., no it's not the end of the fucking world because your wife is ill and you cant find a child minder and you left work early and didn't follow procedure, blah blah blah." I want to be able to say this with out others thinking that you don't give a shit, with out it coming back to hit you in the face, or most importantly people not taking your messages and advice and instruction seriously because they have seen a differen't side to you. I'm not sure if i'm making sense here. So, once a month we all have a managers briefing and a select few of us are going to wander off the local pub afterwards and just have a get it out session, with out fear of comeback, or with out people thinking we are not committed to the cause, and we are really looking forward to it and the first one is this Tues. Of course, there are trusted colleagues that i can do this with anyway, but often the chance to get together becomes impossible due to workloads, and as we all will be at these briefing it was the ideal opportunity. To be clear here, this isn't a bitch fest, it's about airing our opinions to trusted others with out it being taken out of context.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Okay, so something has to change around here, with my life, with the way i do things, with my routines etc.
This may be a little jumpy so i apologise for that right now.
Firstly, there has got to be some better organization around the house, now, i am about the most disorganized person in the world anyway, but still: this is bad even at my standards! Maybe i've been thinking some laundry fairy will come along as wash my clothes, wash the dishes and just keep on top of things, well little fairy, you've either gone to the wrong house or you are a figment of all our imaginations.
You know, i just can't seem to keep on top of things, and i know really, that aint nothing to worry about - as i dont normally, but there comes to a point where you realize that it really isn't helping - having a 9am meeting which is gonna take you an hour to get to and not finding any pants to wear can actually start to wear you down, so commando twice this week - seriously.
I realized this morning when i turned down a visit from a friend that it was because i couldn't bear someone to step into the house because of the state it is in - that is saying something when friends are used to my kind of messy tidyness.
So, I'm getting there - laundry is getting done, bugger the ironing, i don't really do ironing anyways to sure aint gonna start now, the washing up is done, the lounge is tidy, the home office is looking more respectable and in my bedroom, yay i can see the bed!
Reminder to self: Keep on top of it - it feels more workable.
I've also had a little move round in the office, which should make things a bit easier, and i caught up with alot of filing today. Just got to do some shredding as my shredding pile is now taller than my filing file :P
Heating and hot water - yeah, i still haven't got any and i dont think it helps when it comes to washing up and generally living in one room because its so freaking cold everywhere else in the house. So, a little finance check and with no council tax to pay for the next 2 months it leaves me with £200 that i woulodn't normally have, so tomorrow, i'm contacting someone to come and have a look - if it costs more than that its tough shit really, and again it will have to wait.
Mobile phone: I really don't like my phone, my contract or anything about it really (this is my personal phone here, not the work ones). Now when it comes to free minutes, i'm not really fussed, i hardly use it for talking on - which is a bit banana's coming from someone who sepnds most of their day communicating with people, but i really hate talking on the phone, so. I do use it for texting, and use it most for internet/e-mail, mainly for accessing work e-mails and trust me, if i couldn't do this my work load would be even greater, the amount of small pieces of work i get done while waiting for meetings etc is amazing, so i need this. So, i contacts Vodafone and yay i've done it. Got a new phone coming, free internet, texting and web based apps, also has lots of memory so can store tunes and an excellent camera for those had to be there moments. Oh yeah, comes with 900 free mins a month, which means i will use about 2 of them!
Car: I love my car, if i haven't told you that before then i must have been feeling crap :) i loved all my cars, but this one is differen't, its got a kind of personality to it, know what i mean, yes? Anyhow, i've neglected it a bit lately, it looks like an ashtray inside, it is dirty on the outside beyond belief and i have to get my brakes done, like yesterday. So little car, its your turn tomorrow, i promise you, the brakes might have to wait til payday though.
Health: Okay, so i haven't taken my medication for like a couple of months now for my skin condition - its not that i don't want to take them, its just that i ran out, lost my prescription (well, put it somewhere safe) and kind of never thought about it, hence 2 months on and i'm flaring up like a firework, so must go Doc spoc to get that sorted, while i'm there, i might (no promises here, just might) get the results from a scan thing i had about 5 months ago. I do also really need to book in with the Osteopath, although my back is so much better than it was months ago, its starting to deteriorate and waking in the mornings has gone back to doing my back exercises before i step out of bed - which for me is the start of the decline, so i need to just stop putting it off and make the call.
Oh, and still no periods, i do in fact rule! I'm guessing here that it is probably not healthy, but we know what its about, so i don't feel thats something to worry about, kind of feels like the only blessing in all of this!
I'm going to be making a worky decision tomorrow (wel, i've made it actually, more of i will informing them tomorrow) this is that the I.T. dept have just got no fucking idea of what services rely so much on the server being up and running at the weekend, to the point where one part of my gig i just cannot manage with out running, full stop. Now i know there needs to be some maintainance on the servers, but it needs to be better planned than it is now, more so at the weekend it needs to be running effectively, not fucking turned off for maintainance. I had to fly across the county on Friday afternoon to the server because it appeared some 'very thoughtful and environmentally conscious person' thought they would turn (ext4) the server off - which just leaves the main server running. Now, there is a fucking big sign by it saying must be on 24/7 in the event of needing to turn off please contact...me. So i sorted it.
10am this morning, my work phones start to act like they have taken speed - the problem, the server isn't working, which for this part of my gig means the whole of the county cannot see or access my emergency beds. Long story short, turned off for maintainance - i drove there, takes about an hour, and i actually feel for the I.T. guy to have this frothing at the mouth woman standing there, trying to calmly but firmly ask them what the fuck they are doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. So, back to my plan, i need a meeting with I.T. like now, to discuss how the maintainance of the server affects essential services and what are we gonna do about it. I have solutions for them and they so better listen to them.
All the above aside, its been a pretty crap week. I had what i can only describe as a panic attack, flashback and trigger breakdown. So, i turned to drink, yay Vodka i needed you and you provided :) Now i dont recommend it, but i was in so much physical and emotional pain that it was my only solution. My friend got the ramblings of it by e-mail, not sure how i managed it, but, i did, and she was so okay with it, it is indeed a miracle when someone takes what they can from an incoherent e-mail, reassures you and still say's they will be there for you, and is, hours later when i was still triggering just by breathing, was still there for me. I'm just so, so lucky, i know.
I have my first counseling appt this week, assessment done the other week and now its down to the work. I want this, i need this, how can you not want or need something that can only help you, yet, i don't. I'm just scared of the process, don't want to be vulnerable in front of someone for this, have no problem with being vulnerable about anything else, just not this. I know, this is just a normal reaction and i guess i will get over it, and mostly, its in-person back up support for the things i talk to my friend about. I also know i have got to grab this chance, right back to day one, i felt this was my last chance to get this sorted, sorted as in it doesn't define me, it doesn't rule my life, each day doesn't hinge on whether i will have flashbacks, sorted to the point where i can process it, and learn to live with it as part of my life experiences, like anything else has or does up to this point in my life. I have got a life to live, i lived it pretty well for some time, and i want that back and more and this is what i need to remind myself this process is all about.
This may be a little jumpy so i apologise for that right now.
Firstly, there has got to be some better organization around the house, now, i am about the most disorganized person in the world anyway, but still: this is bad even at my standards! Maybe i've been thinking some laundry fairy will come along as wash my clothes, wash the dishes and just keep on top of things, well little fairy, you've either gone to the wrong house or you are a figment of all our imaginations.
You know, i just can't seem to keep on top of things, and i know really, that aint nothing to worry about - as i dont normally, but there comes to a point where you realize that it really isn't helping - having a 9am meeting which is gonna take you an hour to get to and not finding any pants to wear can actually start to wear you down, so commando twice this week - seriously.
I realized this morning when i turned down a visit from a friend that it was because i couldn't bear someone to step into the house because of the state it is in - that is saying something when friends are used to my kind of messy tidyness.
So, I'm getting there - laundry is getting done, bugger the ironing, i don't really do ironing anyways to sure aint gonna start now, the washing up is done, the lounge is tidy, the home office is looking more respectable and in my bedroom, yay i can see the bed!
Reminder to self: Keep on top of it - it feels more workable.
I've also had a little move round in the office, which should make things a bit easier, and i caught up with alot of filing today. Just got to do some shredding as my shredding pile is now taller than my filing file :P
Heating and hot water - yeah, i still haven't got any and i dont think it helps when it comes to washing up and generally living in one room because its so freaking cold everywhere else in the house. So, a little finance check and with no council tax to pay for the next 2 months it leaves me with £200 that i woulodn't normally have, so tomorrow, i'm contacting someone to come and have a look - if it costs more than that its tough shit really, and again it will have to wait.
Mobile phone: I really don't like my phone, my contract or anything about it really (this is my personal phone here, not the work ones). Now when it comes to free minutes, i'm not really fussed, i hardly use it for talking on - which is a bit banana's coming from someone who sepnds most of their day communicating with people, but i really hate talking on the phone, so. I do use it for texting, and use it most for internet/e-mail, mainly for accessing work e-mails and trust me, if i couldn't do this my work load would be even greater, the amount of small pieces of work i get done while waiting for meetings etc is amazing, so i need this. So, i contacts Vodafone and yay i've done it. Got a new phone coming, free internet, texting and web based apps, also has lots of memory so can store tunes and an excellent camera for those had to be there moments. Oh yeah, comes with 900 free mins a month, which means i will use about 2 of them!
Car: I love my car, if i haven't told you that before then i must have been feeling crap :) i loved all my cars, but this one is differen't, its got a kind of personality to it, know what i mean, yes? Anyhow, i've neglected it a bit lately, it looks like an ashtray inside, it is dirty on the outside beyond belief and i have to get my brakes done, like yesterday. So little car, its your turn tomorrow, i promise you, the brakes might have to wait til payday though.
Health: Okay, so i haven't taken my medication for like a couple of months now for my skin condition - its not that i don't want to take them, its just that i ran out, lost my prescription (well, put it somewhere safe) and kind of never thought about it, hence 2 months on and i'm flaring up like a firework, so must go Doc spoc to get that sorted, while i'm there, i might (no promises here, just might) get the results from a scan thing i had about 5 months ago. I do also really need to book in with the Osteopath, although my back is so much better than it was months ago, its starting to deteriorate and waking in the mornings has gone back to doing my back exercises before i step out of bed - which for me is the start of the decline, so i need to just stop putting it off and make the call.
Oh, and still no periods, i do in fact rule! I'm guessing here that it is probably not healthy, but we know what its about, so i don't feel thats something to worry about, kind of feels like the only blessing in all of this!
I'm going to be making a worky decision tomorrow (wel, i've made it actually, more of i will informing them tomorrow) this is that the I.T. dept have just got no fucking idea of what services rely so much on the server being up and running at the weekend, to the point where one part of my gig i just cannot manage with out running, full stop. Now i know there needs to be some maintainance on the servers, but it needs to be better planned than it is now, more so at the weekend it needs to be running effectively, not fucking turned off for maintainance. I had to fly across the county on Friday afternoon to the server because it appeared some 'very thoughtful and environmentally conscious person' thought they would turn (ext4) the server off - which just leaves the main server running. Now, there is a fucking big sign by it saying must be on 24/7 in the event of needing to turn off please contact...me. So i sorted it.
10am this morning, my work phones start to act like they have taken speed - the problem, the server isn't working, which for this part of my gig means the whole of the county cannot see or access my emergency beds. Long story short, turned off for maintainance - i drove there, takes about an hour, and i actually feel for the I.T. guy to have this frothing at the mouth woman standing there, trying to calmly but firmly ask them what the fuck they are doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. So, back to my plan, i need a meeting with I.T. like now, to discuss how the maintainance of the server affects essential services and what are we gonna do about it. I have solutions for them and they so better listen to them.
All the above aside, its been a pretty crap week. I had what i can only describe as a panic attack, flashback and trigger breakdown. So, i turned to drink, yay Vodka i needed you and you provided :) Now i dont recommend it, but i was in so much physical and emotional pain that it was my only solution. My friend got the ramblings of it by e-mail, not sure how i managed it, but, i did, and she was so okay with it, it is indeed a miracle when someone takes what they can from an incoherent e-mail, reassures you and still say's they will be there for you, and is, hours later when i was still triggering just by breathing, was still there for me. I'm just so, so lucky, i know.
I have my first counseling appt this week, assessment done the other week and now its down to the work. I want this, i need this, how can you not want or need something that can only help you, yet, i don't. I'm just scared of the process, don't want to be vulnerable in front of someone for this, have no problem with being vulnerable about anything else, just not this. I know, this is just a normal reaction and i guess i will get over it, and mostly, its in-person back up support for the things i talk to my friend about. I also know i have got to grab this chance, right back to day one, i felt this was my last chance to get this sorted, sorted as in it doesn't define me, it doesn't rule my life, each day doesn't hinge on whether i will have flashbacks, sorted to the point where i can process it, and learn to live with it as part of my life experiences, like anything else has or does up to this point in my life. I have got a life to live, i lived it pretty well for some time, and i want that back and more and this is what i need to remind myself this process is all about.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Okay, so i'm here because I just dont know what to do with myself, not as in i have nothing to do, i have so much to freaking do, but because i kind of feel stuck, again.
Had a really busy week at work, unannounced inspections, workshops and a quarantineable infection, its what i do and i love it, so no issue here, just takes its toll when you are not functioning 100%.
Had the counseling assessment this week, i was pissed off with it afterwards, for a couple of days i guess. Why? Because i felt like i was being judged i guess - of course i wasn't, its about them getting the information they need to support me appropriately, i know that, but i guess i wasn't prepared for direct questions by someone i dont know or trust. Had to fight with myself to give them the information - struggled between telling them that i wasn't ready to share that information and just giving it to them, which i did, mostly i think because at the moment i seem to want to really want to go to counseling, i have to get this sorted, i know myself and i also know that some days i am only just hanging on, and other days when it lifts i am getting really pissed with myself for letting it get to me - and i've kind of just had enough of it - completely.
There are times when i just want to shake myself so hard, just let it out and move on, i don't want to be this person who just feels consumed by abuse and thought of abuse, who finds new triggers which then activate another flashback. I also know its not as easy as this but this is where i'm at.
the last flashback episode drained me - emotionally and physically to a point where it didn't seem possible, trust me on this one, i cant keep going to places so dark, its not realistic, healthy or okay for me.
You see, the really frustrating thing is they just keep coming, there is hardly no break inbetween, couple of days at the most and even then although i feel so much better i still feel so raw. So a couple of days ago, i get a new trigger, from completely out of the blue, and a flashback starts. I'm like, c'mon, give it a fucking rest.
So, i'm playing a new tactic! i'm just not buying into it, i'm not going there, i know what its about, its no big deal, it is just a situation, something that happened a few times, honestly here, i'm not minimizing it, i have to be completely open about this, whether its because there was so much that happened in the years i was abused or just because i have already dealt with stuff i'm not sure, but sometimes there are no emotions attached to a specific situation, it just was what it was, fact. So with this one, i'm not going to let it fuck with my head, i rememebr it, i remember why it was done, in fact if i was to get a flashback about why it was done, that may be different, but it isnt, its just about one thing, and i'm okay with it. So, i'm just gonna let it play itself out and toss it away. surely, i must be able to have some control somewhere with this, but if it gets to the point its messing with me i will just be able to get it down to my friend in normal mode because it is no big deal.
I was talking to someone i just met at 3am this morning, really nice guy, and, he blew me away with some of things he was telling me, you know, sometimes, to hear about someone else's life, in-person, it can snap you into getting some perspective on your own life. obviously, its not my story to tell, so i wont be telling it here, but it moved me immensely. Listening to someone who you have never met before, who felt comfortable enough to share with me some of the truely harrowing parts of his life, some of which he has not told anyone before is an honour (none of this was about abuse). We hugged and he told me he had not hugged anyone in six years. As he walked away, he turned back to me and said " i truely believe you were meant to be here tonight, we were meant to meet", he walks back to me, kisses me on the cheek, smiles and calls me an angel. I have never been called that before i doubt i will again, kind of doesn't quite fit me, but he was an inspiration to me.
My emotions just feel like a rollercoaster, more so today. Everything is relative, i get that, but meeting Chris last night has really made me think about my life, where i'm at, my journey to get here today and who knows the journey ahead. One thing i do know for certain know is that life can deal people some shit cards, and it isn't the shit cards that define us, it's what we do with the shit cards that shows our strength and courage, thats what matters. And it's not about how quick we deal with it, everything has a process, everyone processes and deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong in the process, it is what it is.
So, i'm going to just make some statements here and maybe address them another day, but this is what i've got for now, about then, now and other random stuff in my head.
1) I know the abuse was not my fault - I know that, but i slip on rough days between knowing that and thinking there was some responsibility on my part with specific situations, and this is because it somehow makes it easier to deal with thinking there was some accountability there on my part.
2) I feel tremendous guilt for the girl who was abused once by them and i being made to abuse her too. Now i know there was nothing i could have done, i had no choice there, but i cant get past that i still done things to her, i cant get past her face looking at me, i can see her and she haunts me.
3) The death of another adult, it just fucks with my head, i just don't know where to start with it, it triggers me instantly and i can't see me ever getting to talking about it with out triggering.
4) There are some situations that just do not have any emotions/thoughts/feeling attached to them, they just happened. It worries me that there may be feelings attached but i just cant get to them and its something to come.
5) I have some flashbacks thaqt i dont recall at all, i can happily pack them away as didn't happen, no matter how scary they are. I am aware that it maybe that these things did happen, it doesnt particulary bother me as they don't have impact on me, but it worries me if one day they do.
6) It worries me sometimes that there are ALOT of photo's of me, it worries me who has these, are they still about, what happened to them. I know there is nothing i can do about it, but knowing there are photo's of you as a 9/10/11 year old being abused kind of doesn't sit well.
7) I am scared on the counseling process, of talking about stuff, talking about feelings, being vulnerable in front of someone. This isn't me as a person, with anything else i can be vulnerable with people i trust, just so difficult with this, and i'm so tempted just to run.
8) I worry about not managing my job, being in the soup for days on end is not beneficial for me, my customers or the staff and managers who i support.How long can i keep this up for.
9) There are somethings that i just don't know if i can talk about, i really cant see me saying the words, it worries me that if these things come in flashback mode, i'm fucked. Yet i know there is no point in going through this process if i dont purge all of it. I don't know how other people deal with process, but for me, what works is saying what happened, it kind of releases it, it doesn't help to just write it or acknowledge it, it has to actually be told to someone - kind of like if 1 other person knows then its not a secret anymore.
10) I fear sometimes i'm not going to get through it and come out the otherside. The really dark days can be that bad with memories and flashbacks.
11) I wonder if i will ever be sexual with anyone, will i ever be able to trust someone enough.
12) This is just something i have never said before and it is becoming a bit of an issue, so just going to put it down. Sunset time, that kind of twilight time can really trigger me if i'm not in the right place in my head, or if i am ok, i find it awesome. Lately, its been triggering, massively so, and its a sort of panic trigger, but i can't relate it to anything. Its beoming more intense and find myself starting avoid being outside at this time of day - it only happens when i am outside. its starting to feel so intense that i have a couple of times this week been on the verge of tears, which is difficult when i'm just not down for crying. Ummmm
Thats just some stuff thats in my head right now, and just felt okay to get them down.
For now, i have some grunt work i really should be doing for work, and tomorrow, bar an absolute emergency, i'm taking the whole day off, seriously, the whole day.
Had a really busy week at work, unannounced inspections, workshops and a quarantineable infection, its what i do and i love it, so no issue here, just takes its toll when you are not functioning 100%.
Had the counseling assessment this week, i was pissed off with it afterwards, for a couple of days i guess. Why? Because i felt like i was being judged i guess - of course i wasn't, its about them getting the information they need to support me appropriately, i know that, but i guess i wasn't prepared for direct questions by someone i dont know or trust. Had to fight with myself to give them the information - struggled between telling them that i wasn't ready to share that information and just giving it to them, which i did, mostly i think because at the moment i seem to want to really want to go to counseling, i have to get this sorted, i know myself and i also know that some days i am only just hanging on, and other days when it lifts i am getting really pissed with myself for letting it get to me - and i've kind of just had enough of it - completely.
There are times when i just want to shake myself so hard, just let it out and move on, i don't want to be this person who just feels consumed by abuse and thought of abuse, who finds new triggers which then activate another flashback. I also know its not as easy as this but this is where i'm at.
the last flashback episode drained me - emotionally and physically to a point where it didn't seem possible, trust me on this one, i cant keep going to places so dark, its not realistic, healthy or okay for me.
You see, the really frustrating thing is they just keep coming, there is hardly no break inbetween, couple of days at the most and even then although i feel so much better i still feel so raw. So a couple of days ago, i get a new trigger, from completely out of the blue, and a flashback starts. I'm like, c'mon, give it a fucking rest.
So, i'm playing a new tactic! i'm just not buying into it, i'm not going there, i know what its about, its no big deal, it is just a situation, something that happened a few times, honestly here, i'm not minimizing it, i have to be completely open about this, whether its because there was so much that happened in the years i was abused or just because i have already dealt with stuff i'm not sure, but sometimes there are no emotions attached to a specific situation, it just was what it was, fact. So with this one, i'm not going to let it fuck with my head, i rememebr it, i remember why it was done, in fact if i was to get a flashback about why it was done, that may be different, but it isnt, its just about one thing, and i'm okay with it. So, i'm just gonna let it play itself out and toss it away. surely, i must be able to have some control somewhere with this, but if it gets to the point its messing with me i will just be able to get it down to my friend in normal mode because it is no big deal.
I was talking to someone i just met at 3am this morning, really nice guy, and, he blew me away with some of things he was telling me, you know, sometimes, to hear about someone else's life, in-person, it can snap you into getting some perspective on your own life. obviously, its not my story to tell, so i wont be telling it here, but it moved me immensely. Listening to someone who you have never met before, who felt comfortable enough to share with me some of the truely harrowing parts of his life, some of which he has not told anyone before is an honour (none of this was about abuse). We hugged and he told me he had not hugged anyone in six years. As he walked away, he turned back to me and said " i truely believe you were meant to be here tonight, we were meant to meet", he walks back to me, kisses me on the cheek, smiles and calls me an angel. I have never been called that before i doubt i will again, kind of doesn't quite fit me, but he was an inspiration to me.
My emotions just feel like a rollercoaster, more so today. Everything is relative, i get that, but meeting Chris last night has really made me think about my life, where i'm at, my journey to get here today and who knows the journey ahead. One thing i do know for certain know is that life can deal people some shit cards, and it isn't the shit cards that define us, it's what we do with the shit cards that shows our strength and courage, thats what matters. And it's not about how quick we deal with it, everything has a process, everyone processes and deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong in the process, it is what it is.
So, i'm going to just make some statements here and maybe address them another day, but this is what i've got for now, about then, now and other random stuff in my head.
1) I know the abuse was not my fault - I know that, but i slip on rough days between knowing that and thinking there was some responsibility on my part with specific situations, and this is because it somehow makes it easier to deal with thinking there was some accountability there on my part.
2) I feel tremendous guilt for the girl who was abused once by them and i being made to abuse her too. Now i know there was nothing i could have done, i had no choice there, but i cant get past that i still done things to her, i cant get past her face looking at me, i can see her and she haunts me.
3) The death of another adult, it just fucks with my head, i just don't know where to start with it, it triggers me instantly and i can't see me ever getting to talking about it with out triggering.
4) There are some situations that just do not have any emotions/thoughts/feeling attached to them, they just happened. It worries me that there may be feelings attached but i just cant get to them and its something to come.
5) I have some flashbacks thaqt i dont recall at all, i can happily pack them away as didn't happen, no matter how scary they are. I am aware that it maybe that these things did happen, it doesnt particulary bother me as they don't have impact on me, but it worries me if one day they do.
6) It worries me sometimes that there are ALOT of photo's of me, it worries me who has these, are they still about, what happened to them. I know there is nothing i can do about it, but knowing there are photo's of you as a 9/10/11 year old being abused kind of doesn't sit well.
7) I am scared on the counseling process, of talking about stuff, talking about feelings, being vulnerable in front of someone. This isn't me as a person, with anything else i can be vulnerable with people i trust, just so difficult with this, and i'm so tempted just to run.
8) I worry about not managing my job, being in the soup for days on end is not beneficial for me, my customers or the staff and managers who i support.How long can i keep this up for.
9) There are somethings that i just don't know if i can talk about, i really cant see me saying the words, it worries me that if these things come in flashback mode, i'm fucked. Yet i know there is no point in going through this process if i dont purge all of it. I don't know how other people deal with process, but for me, what works is saying what happened, it kind of releases it, it doesn't help to just write it or acknowledge it, it has to actually be told to someone - kind of like if 1 other person knows then its not a secret anymore.
10) I fear sometimes i'm not going to get through it and come out the otherside. The really dark days can be that bad with memories and flashbacks.
11) I wonder if i will ever be sexual with anyone, will i ever be able to trust someone enough.
12) This is just something i have never said before and it is becoming a bit of an issue, so just going to put it down. Sunset time, that kind of twilight time can really trigger me if i'm not in the right place in my head, or if i am ok, i find it awesome. Lately, its been triggering, massively so, and its a sort of panic trigger, but i can't relate it to anything. Its beoming more intense and find myself starting avoid being outside at this time of day - it only happens when i am outside. its starting to feel so intense that i have a couple of times this week been on the verge of tears, which is difficult when i'm just not down for crying. Ummmm
Thats just some stuff thats in my head right now, and just felt okay to get them down.
For now, i have some grunt work i really should be doing for work, and tomorrow, bar an absolute emergency, i'm taking the whole day off, seriously, the whole day.
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