This is just a bookmark.

ARGHHHHH

Fuck it, fuck all of it.

 It is so not okay to be me right now, my days are so random, my thoughts are so random and I am just fucked off with it.

Why? Because I don't want it, it is as simple as that. I know the abuse is part of me, it has helped in someway shape who I am today, i get that, i'm even okay with that because who esle would i be, i don't know any different than who i am. So i get all of that, but there is no fucking need for it to be fucking with my head like this.

It's fucking crazy making shit. Why isn't it just simple, why does this have to be different.

Do i think about/have flashbacks about/not sleep about/feel consumed by other stuff that have caused me some grief in my life - No - so why not - lets list a few.

• Being sexually assaulted at age 6
• Being kidnapped at age 8
• Watching your mother jump out of moving car and rolling and rolling in the road - age about 10
• Being belted - aged 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12.
• Being held up against the wall with a knife - aged 12
• Watching your father restrain your mother because she is going to kill herself and me - aged 13
• Feeling responsible for mother leaving home because i didnt eat my tea - Age 5 to 12
• Being dragged by my hair for 10 mins in the centre of town and no one stopping her to tell her to fucking stop it. Aged about 9
• Having your shorts and pants pulled down in street and having your arse smacked - age about 7
• Having your mother be told that you were sexually abused - then never speaking to you about it.
• Breaking your arm so badly that a specialist surgeon needs to be brought in, knowing at aged 5 you want to die from pain and watching your mother just leave the room.
• Attempting suicide - age about 14
• Running away from home at 16 - sometimes living on the streets
• Finding what you think is love, then him dying before you get the chance to find out if it was. Age 17
• Attempted mugging - he came off worse. Age about 25
• Standing on the top of a cliff feeling content with your decision to jump. Age - numerous occasions
• Breaking my ankle in 3 places while abroad.
• Physically assulted while in my car, trapped by my seat belt - they didn't get my car though. Age 30
• Being held hostage in your own house by someone who was infatuated with me (lordy knows why) - i actually felt sorry for them so didn't act when i should have done - umm. Aged 30
• Having someone who i loved deeply suicide. Seeing it, regretting missing the call and text. Aged 34

Ah, that was cathartic if nothing else. This isn't a complete list, just what i am willing to share today, this isn't about having had some shit times in life, shit happens, it does in most people's lives, its just how it is, i get that if you haven't had the kind of life i have lived this list may seem a bit heavy, but you know, its not, honestly, it really isn't, it just unfolded how it did and i'm okay with it. I actually feel pretty lucky, things could have been alot worse, i got myself into some very tricky situations as a kid but luckily managed to get out of them as well, i have been in some tricky situations as an adult, more times than i can say where i have thought a sexual assult was on the cards, but somehow, i got myself out of it, there is a big part of me that can nearly say 100% i wont ever be sexually assulted again, they would have to kill me first, i learnt some self defence some years ago so that would help, but i know unless i was intoxicated to the point of being unable to retaliate or because i was knocked out i would fight till my death - i may be having false illusions here, but its what i think, so.

Okay, there there is my 75% complete list of lifeism's. I can deal with all of them, they don't cause me sleepless nights, or flashbacks, or triggers (maybe a few triggers in there but nothing i cant handle). So why the fuck can't i handle being abused as a kid??? The thing here as well is that i don't think you need to have been abused to have the feelings that i have, these feeling can occur for any number of reasons if you were traumatized or if something had that much impact on you: You don't only feel shame if you have been abused, you don't only feel vulnerable if you have been abused, you dont have to been abused to have a dislike to sex, get what i mean?

So why cant i just let it go. Some warped fucked up people decided they were going to have sex with this kid, so they did. Thats the deal, just let it go. I cant change it, i cant alter how i felt, i cant change the outcome, they cant take it back, i cant pretend it didnt happen, it is part of who i am. So FUCK OFF from screwing my head up. I accept it, i totally accept it, what else do i need to do. I know what happened, i'm not in denial, i know what they did. So why this stupid fucking video in my head showing it to me again. I don't need to remember what pattern the carpet was, i know it, i dont need to be shown the kid looking frantically for its clothes, i remember it, i dont need to be shown an adult fucking a kid, i remember it, i dont need to be shown a kid throwing up because adult used her mouth for oral sex, i remember it, i dont need to be shown the kid not being able to stand up because she has been fucked so hard in every orifice that she is too weak to stand, i fucking remember it.

Breathe.............

A summary of the last couple of weeks flashbacks. You know, its okay.

Breathe............

Seriously, its okay, i can hold it. But i dont want it, thats my point. Who would want this floating around their head on a sunny day - exactly - no one, so why is it floating round in my head. I know it happened, i can hold it, i know it wasn't the kid's fault.

I would, seriously, sell everything i own to not have this in my head. Material things only mean so much. I would sell my house, my beautiful car, my books, my computers, my garden ornaments, my bike, my sun lounger, all my gadget toys, my kites and board and my electric blanket. They don't mean anything, they could all be replaced, i would do that in an instant if it stopped this every day torture.

Okay, so today is just a crappy shitty fuck arse day. Not everyday is like this, if it was, then see ya. But you know, its getting irritating at the least and soul destroying at the most, and somewhere in between is the me who is trying to get on with every day life, trying to keep my head above water with work and failing dismally, trying to keep friends content with a happy hows it going text, trying to help my sister with feeling so ill after chemo again, trying to keep mother dear on an even keel (for my own sanity), trying not to bug my friend with e-mails, trying to go to counseling in a positve state so maybe some of this shit can get talked about.

Okay, thats my 2.15am rant and rave. Insomnia and me are not good friends this week.

Still ARGHHHHHH