I'm not sure i can do this anymore, this process, this journey, this "healing". The problem is i can't get over the proverbial roundabout, trust me, if there was a choice i was jump off right off. This isn't about having a rough day, nor is it about finding it difficult, it is just too rough, too unsafe and too confusing and too close a call.

I had my counseling appt 2 days ago, i was having a good day, it wasn't a deep session, talked mostly about my family dynamics, when i was younger and now and yeah it was difficult but i was okay with it.

2 days later and more frequently than ever i feel out of control, my emotions feel out of control, my logical thought process feels out of control.

Right from a very early age, i was always in control of my emotions and feelings. I may not have been able to control what happened around me or to me, but i could process how i thought about it and managed it in my own way, and i guess the outcome of that was that i never spoke about my thoughts or feelings, i kept them to myself. Having my own rules in my head actually somehow kept me sane, albeit often causing me more pain, you would think being told that something causing you pain would stop if you cried, you would just cry: nope, my rules, no tears.
As an adult, still the same, in control of my emotions and feelings, that isn't to say that i am not emotional, i sure can be, but about others, other issues, other people's lives. Drill down to me and pretty much dead. I can with people i really trust open up more, but its rare and still controlled. I made alot of choices and decisions when i was young and it becomes clear that these were choices made by someone in captivity, and somehow i never moved on from that.

Diverse for a moment, my job: I am seriously hanging on by my finger tips, and feeling those slipping. i have now given back every other responsibility that is not actually part of my job, i'm not doing any voluntary work, not on any project meetings, not on any boards. I know that i do the job of three people so regardless of being in a head space that is not always manageable, i would be freaking busy, but you know, i'm missing deadlines. It's a bit like playing a space invader game, some are passing me by and i've got no chance of hitting the deadline, some of them i didn't even see coming, of course, i respond by saying yep nearly done and spend the next 24 hours solid working on it and no one knows any difference, but it would be silly of me to think i can keep that up. I'm drowning.

I have 2 problems here (yeah, laugh, just 2!), but this is how i can explain it it my most logical but illogical way:
Counseling/trust/feelings/vulnerability. (rolled into 1 problem). My counselor, seriously, she is ok, i like her, feels like a good fit. I do feel lucky, i see some of the other counselors in the place and think "thank fuck i haven't got them". Just their general outlook on life, overhearing their conversations (not professional ones), just their body language, idk. So the issue here is i'm starting to trust her, not massive trust, but enough to make me feel vulnerable, enough to make me feel scared, enough for me to know that maybe this is my time. The double edged sword here is i don't want to trust her, trusting her means telling her stuff, means talking about feelings, means unpacking all of it and a thousand other things. You see, of course, but i do want to trust her, no one is making me go for counseling after all, this is of my own free will. Now, on a % scale, i would say she knows right now about 1% - but thats enough to make me feel vulnerable. The issue as well is around managing my emotions in between appts, so much happens emotion wise for me right now in 1 week that i could have gone up and down big time twice in the time between sessions. But, i don't want to rely on her, rely on her support, rely on her being able to listen or to be there, yet, i find myself wanting to speak to her when i am finding things particulary difficult - which of course i dont, but the thought is there. In absolute fairness to her, she tells me if ever i want to talk to her/meet for an extra session i just need to ring the office and they will contact her for me and she will call me. I couldn't ask for any more. I got so close this morning to telephoning, phone in hand - but them realized that i wouldn't know what to say if i did somehow get to speak to her, because i don't know what the problem is (as in how to say what i need from her). I keep getting this overwhelming instant anxiety, which increases in intensity as the weeks go on, mix that in with some crappy flashback that i am trying so hard not to acknowledge, mix that in with some body memories/ real physical pain sensations and i'm about ready to burst at the seams. What scared me the most here was that i actually thought about ringing her, i actually thought about saying in person to someone some of the crap in my head. Not good.
I guess you may be reading this and thinking, this is a good sign, talking about it will help, everyone feels nervous about opening up. This isnt how it is. what scares me the most is i wont be able to control how i feel, what emotions i will feel, what i may say, what will come tumbling out, and most of all, not being able to put myself back together and seriously just falling apart and staying that way. Like shattering a jigsaw and throwing away 20 pieces so it will never get whole again. This right now feels like a serious threat, it feels like the risk is too great. I seriously know that some days, i would struggle to pass a mental capacity test, thats not said with a twist of humour, thats some days how it feels. Yet 12/24 hours later i can haqve kicked my own ass that hard i can be back on the shop floor managing my units effectively. So fucking diverse.

My second problem: I'm falling apart. That is said with a twist of humour, but let me explain this briefly. A few months ago i started this journal, yeah, i was all over the place emotionally/mentally. I need you to use your imagination here and think of the whole me as my house ( i know its hard when you dont know me or my house, but go with me).
6 months ago, all systems working good, maybe a few window catches needed tending to, lurking in a locked cupboard was a monster that was about to shatter my world.
5 Months ago, monster comes out and shatters some windows, everything gets shaky.
3 months ago, monster smashes everything in the house, all the windows, doors, furniture and monsters disappears off leaving behind a massive whole in the front of the house and an eddy inside.
Now: Every system in house is broken, no electric, no gas, no heating or water, no shower, no cooker, no nothing, empty vacant house, no doors, completely vulnerable, my safe haven is upstairs, the stairs have been pulled down but there is a rope, some days i can reach the rope others i cant, some days i feel safe other i don't, some days i feel i can ask for help, others i can't. Some days i'm so confused and dizzy from being stuck in the eddy that i dont know the difference between real pain and remembered pain.
Somedays i feel strong enough to start repairing the house, other days i want to walk away, in what ever shape or form that is.

In all of this, what i just don't get is this: I know what happened to me, i lived through it, i've held it quite okay in my own way for all of these years, i don't get how it can be so unmanageable now. I was abused as a kid, so were unfortunately millions of other people, it happened. I accept it, what the fuck else do i need to do for it to be okay?

Its a dangerous place to be this close to the edge of sanity sometimes and knowing that you are there......