I felt it was important just to write a bit here today for my own record if for nothing else.

So it been a wobbly week for sure, but an update from the previous jumbled post.

I somehow managed to telephone my counselor (LA from here on in) on Thurs morn, its all a bit hazy now to be honest, i think i kind of felt there was nothing else left to do that could help me: I was past the point of being able to get some control myself, and although as in previous times i'm sure i would have managed it by myself just by burning out in a few days time, i just felt i needed help then as somehow it felt different than before.

So i managed to telephone, and as i said its all a bit hazy, i presume LA asked me to go over and see her, which i did. i dont remember the journey at all, but that's no big deal. I think we just spent some time getting grounded, getting my breathing back in sync, and trying to get some perspective on that i was safe now, and these were memories. I recall LA telling me a few times that i need to be the adult in control, the adult me can keep the mini me safe until its okay to talk about stuff, i'm now an adult and the memories and the feelings are that, memories and feelings and that i'm safe now. The bit i do remember is LA telling me that it will get better/more manageable, its like brain training, and with time i will be able to get to the point where i will be able to control the memories so that they are just memories and not feeling like they are happening now and not feeling consumed by them (or something similar to that). So that sounds like good news to me, just need to learn fast!

I told LA that i was scared to trust her because i was scared of feeling like i needed her or was reliant on her, i cant remember all that was said, but it was on the lines of of viewing it differently, more like support, while i need the support, until i can manage the process/thoughts/feelings by myself, i like that way of viewing of it, and she is right you know, because in my head now its no different that going on some learning and development oppotunities to learn a new part of a job, it just i'm learning to process stuff that happened years ago and how to manage it to continue to live an effective and full life, and maybe the part of me not wanting to be and feel vulnerable also needs twizzling round: If you don't know how to work Excel, Powerpoint, database, adobe captivate etc on a computer and you went on a 30 week course to learn it, you would feel vulnerable at the beginning because its something new, you might be unsure as to whether you would grasp it and retain it. I know its different because we are talking about feelings here, raw feelings which your whole life seems to be pivoting around, but if i want to get to the otherside - which i most certainly do, then surely its a small risk to take?

You know, i so like having better days like today, when you have had your 7 hours sleep, flashback free and you got plans for the day which dont include having a mini breakdown and a major panic session, yay for good days! And it doesn't matter that its a cloudy rainy day outside.

I think somehow its all become a bit clearer in my head, or maybe now i can be more accepting that there is a process to get through to the other side. If i can learn to control the flashbacks and the feelings that go with them it would be a massive step. LA thinks that once i can start to talk about the flashbacks and work through them with her it will help massively, and although there is alot that i need to get out that hasnt yet been in flashbacks, i guess we start with the flashbacks as these are the most predominant thoughts. I think my previous thoughts on not wanting to talk about the flashbacks were around LA not knowing stuff that lead up to it and me not wanting to just deal on something that feels massive which she doesn't yet know existed. Like she knows that there were 3 people who regularly abused me, she doesn't know that sometimes they had friends visit or that i was sent to visit their friends - its not that i don't want to tell her that, its just that i'm not there yet. But if a flashback i am struggling to hold involves when a visitor came to visit, it doesn't feel okay talking about that because she doesn't know about the visitors yet. Not sure if that makes sense, but i'm just going to have to get over that bit other wise the flashbacks just wont get talked about and they end up coming back to taunt me some more, which is what is happening with this one i have been having - luckily its gone away again for now, but its like the third time it has come up, spent days fucking with my head and gone again, i guess this one is gonna need getting out because it sure isnt going away, yet compared to other stuff, i dont know why its so difficult to hold.
The only way i can describe what re-occuring flashabcks are like is a bit like a tornado. With no warning, it starts, it builds up until i cant take it anymore and shatters everything in my life, i can't function, my thoughts spiral out of control i lose what is reality and what is memory. After it peaks, it gradually goes away again, just leaving destruction, raw feelings, confused feelings and feelings that i cant yet put a name to. Then at some point it comes back again. This is what we have to work on to stop.