I have no idea what to do with myself: That may sound rather strange and fucked up - that's because it is.

Honestly, i just want to run away, get in my car and just drive forever, just drive until i realize the theorists and indeed Columbus were wrong and the world isn't round its flat and i will drive off the edge into some abyss. But, what's the point, i'm only running from me, and i will catch up with myself, i'm clever like that.

I'm not entirely sure whats screwing my head the most, the fact that i am so so SO fucking behind with work or that i somehow have to work through this shitty crappy healing crap lark to feel like i am human.

I fucked up at work this week, i had a multi-disciplinary strategy meeting, my meeting, i was chairing it and i couldn't do it. Oh how i knew i couldn't do it on the morning, i stood shouting at myself in the mirror, telling myself to get a fucking grip, to stop being such a twat and go and do your job. It was too late, already a night with no sleep under my belt, a flashback that has decided its going to stay put and "just thought i would make an appearance" fight or flight anxiety.  Yeah, so i fucked up. One of my biggest fears in all of this - can i keep hold of my job, can i do enough on the better days to keep my head above water, oh, i'm slowly realizing i can't. Honestly, if nothing new landed on my lap and somehow i could absorb any new developments with out having to read about them, my work load is about 6 months deep, and thats not even with projects that i want to be doing or new initiatives that i want to be taking forward, or updating or reviewing documents, i feel so swamped, i dont know where to even make a fucking start, and of course, the pile grows daily.

Oh and counseling this week, yep, fucked that up as well. I was agitated, had fucked up with work, was really struggling with this stupid flashback, all i could do was hold on tight and try not to crumble into some weeping mess. I managed it, but in my own fucked up way. I'm now going again tomorrow, yep twice in 1 week means i'm doubly fucked up. All credit to her, she could see i was fucked up and wants me to talk about whats fucking my head up, umm, thats where i fail, again. Yet, i know i need to do this to move on, it's no different than saying i broke my ankle - is it?

Okay, test 1: While on holiday, i was playing volleyball with the locals, i jumped and landed on a rock that was buried beneath the sand. Upon landing my ankle snapped, i was in pain and i was physically sick. I went to the hospital, had an x-ray, had broken my ankle in 3 places and torn all the ligaments, had plaster cast put on and given crutches. How did i feel? (My counselors constant question) - i felt in pain, i felt disappointed that my plans for the holiday had gone down the pan with the activities i had already booked, i felt annoyed and vulnerable at the hospital because of the language barrier, not knowing what was going on apart from them showing me my x-ray and holding up 3 fingers.

Okay, test 2: While at the abusers house i realized they were all off their fucking nuts on some narcotic. I was picked up and held while the others stripped my clothes off, naked with in seconds. They were also stripping just as fast like someone had said first one to get bollock naked gets another purple om. I was put on the table and was suffocated with in minutes. Fuck, i can't do this