This is going to be such a whingy post, i so know it, but i'm kinda hoping i might feel a bit lighter for doing it - here's hoping.

You know, it isn't all "black", i have had one really positive day this week, which i do need to acknowledge, it just gets overshadowed so easily by the crap days. I had a day at the beach with a buddy - which is nothing short of amazing at this moment in time - managing to spend a whole day in someone else's company - not saying it didin't have its difficult moments, its not easy for friends who know the crazy-making person to spend time with me, i acknowledge that, of course it doesn't help that they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me - i'm not saying i am adverse to letting people know that i sexually abused as a kid, its the silence that makes it so damning, BUT, at this point in time, it is not the right time - i'm so in the fucking thick of it that its just not possible.

So, my avoidance of socializing = You have got depression (friends think this) - now, in fairness to them, what else are they supposed to think, there is only so long you can avoid people and keep being "busy" for, there is oinly so long i can use the excuse that i stayed up late or didn't sleep too good as an excuse for the bags under my eyes. The thing here as well is, my friends are used to me not always being about: wouldn't think twice if they didn't hear from me for a week as i am often so busy with work or other stuff, but you can only keep turning down pub visits for so long, its as if they are kind of testing, knowing that i never, yep never turn down an evening of cocktails in the local town, but when i am having such a shit day i just can't do it.

I love all my friends greatly, and i am trying quite honestly and clearly to be informing them that i understand their concern, but i am ok and i really don't appreciate this checking up on me, to the point where one friend was in tears because i really had to point out that she treading all over my boundries and that she really needed to listen to what i was saying. That just feels yuck.

Also really pissed of with my dad, i normally have a really good relationship with my dad, love spending time with him - can happily spend days away with him and just ride together for hours, but this last couple of weeks i have seen a real discriminative side to him, and its really ugly. Normally i would be challenging him stright away on some of the comments he has made and he knows this - its kind of like he is pushing me, but right now i just can't, i can't even have a debate with anyone about anything because as soon as my heckles get up my anxiety (which i never had before) just multiply's and flashbacks commence instantly.

My dad is pissed about something, i know this, and i just wish to be able to sit down with him and chew the fat with it, but he obviously isn't ready yet and at this point in time i can't go there with him until he can. What stinks about this though is that if you are lucky enough to have a pops like mine and have the relationship that we have you just don't want it to be that way - i know i'm not explaining my self very clearly here but i know what i mean.

So, i've relinquished some of the main "add on" bits to my paid work, this should at least give me some breathing space with emergency referals and instant decision making phone calls. I have also given up another voluntary "project", which i am really pissed about, but i had to do it, even though it wasn't massively time consuming, you can't be supporting others when you are so not in the right head space, acknowledging that was a crappy one, but still had to be done. Leaves me with my main job - or as my manager pointed out is actually three people's jobs - i am actually saving the economy another 2 full time wages here! I am keeping my hand in with some other projects which do not masively take up loads of time and just leaves me with 2 voluntary "projects" - one which i definately will not be giving up because it is rerally beneficial to me as well as other people, the other one, i will wait and see how stuff goes - but i have let them know i am not down for as much as i normally do :(

My life sort of feels like close down at the end of the summer season for holiday parks, you know where you see adverts where only some of the entertainment is on for the last month of the season, before the big shutdown - on a hell day, i couldn't care less, on a better day it kinds worries me a bit, that said, i am so not going to spend time worrying about it!

As per flashbacks - had a couple of days this week where it wasn't so intense, which was a massive relief, feels like life has given you a bit of a break. Last couple of days, had some truely awful ones, one of which just keeps repeating, seeing the same stuff and it just won't go away, and although i don't want it in my head, i'm not sure i can talk about it - its one i remember pretty clearly, but the shame that i feel around it and someone knowing that about you - even though they know other stuff - i just don't know, its not even about the other person being able to hold it i don't think - and they would tell me if they were not in a position to do so - i think it is also partly because although i see this flashback i also know that there were simlilar situations or incidents that followed on from this. Its fucking madness, all of it.

As per friends - having just come off the phone to a couple, i have agreed to answer texts and e-mail, so long as they keep to their agreement of not calling round adhoc and ringing nearly every day and generally mothering me - i honestly don't need mothering - and i know they are trying to help, but this is something i just can't be doing with - and honestly, it doesn't help matters at all - almost has the opposite effect where i feel like going away for a few months.

Health = not very good. I have enough knowledge to know that your body reacts to emotional stress - its taken a few months to get here but its started to arrive!
No periods for two months - not actually that bad a thing!
Multiple infections from old scars, not cleared up by massive dose of antibiotics, 2nd lot in 2 weeks and i know because the G.P told me that the next step is IV antibiotics- we will see, thing is they tell you there is a real risk of getting blood poisoning due to all the infection going into your blood stream - i know this yet it doesn't convince me to go back in 3 days time as i should. Yet i should feel really fucking lucky that i get free healthcare, i am lucky and i do appreciate it, i don't have to worry about the HCR in the US - i do worry because it is so fuckin wrong and all citizens should have coverage AND AB included - but it doesn't make me want to go to hosp for 48 hrs and have an IV - selfish or what.
Back = Pushed it a little bit on the two better days that i had, now it feels like back to square one.
Cramps = don't know what that is about, but i have started to have on a regular basis, calf, shin and neck cramps, probably just one of those things that is not connected to Jack.
And i'm just fuckin worn out, plain and simple.

Lets hope i don't moan away like a badass to the counselor this week, lets not - they might not have me back!