Right now, all i want to know is when i will "turn the corner" and start to feel like i am healing rather than just fucking barely struggling to get through some days.
This in not about trying to hurry the process up, its about being so unsure of how much longer i can keep being in this current state.

When i got triggered big time on a couple of occasions, when all of this started to come back, i never thought, not for one second that i would still be in this heightened state of anxiety 3/4 months down the line.

For sure, i knew it wasn't going to be a quick fix, but having thought i had done some healing i kind of thoght i would have a few things to work through and i would be back on the happy days.

You know, when ever i have been ill, with a virus or something (not just feeling rough but like ILL) i always tell myself that once i am better i will wake up every day and thank the world for feeling well. Doesnt last though does it, as its all relative. Once you forget you were ill and life gets so freaking hectic, you wake with thinking what your plans are for the day and the days begins alot of the time at full speed.

I make this promise to myself now: When i have turned this corner and start to get back to the happy days, i am going to thank the world every morning with out fail, and i truely mean that. Its so, so easy to take life for granted, not just life, but the daily things in life, the just waking up in the morning and meeting the day, i could write a list here of 1000 things that i love about life, but right now, just to be able to get one small thing back would be enough, one piece of my normal life - anything will do, but i miss so much of it, i dont feel like me anymore, i feels like i cant rely on myself (more on this bit in a min).

I would love just to wake up in the morning, and decide i was going to have an extra 10 mins in bed, a little sneaky lay in, but i can't, the minute i awake, my stomach does a 360 degree flip, its instant, that real fight or flight feeling then times it by 10. There is no other option but to instantly jump out of bed, you cant lay there for even 5 seconds more, it feels that violent. Thats how the day starts. I would love more than anything to have a day back where my day doesn't start like that. I feel like being greedy and asking for more, like just to be able to drink my coffee (x 3 at least) in the morning with a smoke and gradually wake up, wander in the garden, in the spring and summer, i have a super early morning routine, i wake, get coffee and smoke and wander all round the garden seeing how all my little plants are doing, every morning with out fail, in my opinion, you would struggle to get a better start to the day.

When i had neighbours that were "proper neighbours" a couple who lived next door played some wicked tricks on me - we still laugh now, mostly at my expense of course - they used to randomly jump into my garden and plant a new plant when i wasnt there to see if i would notice, or move some pots, or swap my sunflower with their sunflowers, even once writing messages on my vegetables that i was growing. I so miss having neighbours like that, dont get me wrong, we didnt live in each others pockets, but regularly chatted over the fence, helped each other out if needed, glass of wine on a summer evening just enjoying the company. I miss that.

Going back to not being able to rely on myself: I always knew that i could rely on myself to meet any targets or deadlines etc. Didnt matter that i am mostly a very last minute person, and when the pressure is on i absolutely deliver. Never had to give it another thought, when i was studying with the OU if my piece of work needed to be completed by Monday, my tutor used to say to me, So long as when i get up on Tuesday morning and your assignment is on my door mat then who was i know you didnt put it throught the door on Monday night - i was often seen bombing round the county at 6am delivering my assignment - but never missed a deadline. Now - i just cant rely on myself, some days are so rough i really cannot function enough to complete any work, its not like its hard, or struggle to concentrate, i honestly cannot do it - and it doesnt matter what pressure is on, it makes no difference, i just cant. This has resulted in me starting to have to ask for extended deadlines on things - never done this before - and its so not me. Days when i am able to function i have to work 24/7 to get stuff completed because if it is anything like this week, i have had 3 full days when i havent been able to complete any work. trust me here, this is not good. I may have given up some extra responsibilities, but what i still have got is a massive work load.

A workload that no one else has, trust me on this one. When i broke a bone or 3 i was off work for 9 weeks and someone had to temp in my role - they ended up temp seconding 4 people on a job share - seriously. I know that it must sound like i take on an unrealistic amount of work, but i dont believe i do, i wouldnt want to pass on any of it, when i work from home i normally have such a funky routine going, multi tasking, 2 or sometimes 3 computers on the go, but it just buzzes. When i am not in the soup, i love my work mix, working from home is great, it has so many bonus' to it, but i also love working in-house and mixing with colleagues, so it seems i have the perfect mix. Right now, a full on out of the house work day just fills me with dread and fear, got to hold it together for such a long time and it exhausts me, the only relief i get is travelling around work bases, just being able to lose it for half hour in the car between visits is a life saver.

But, now, i just feel like i am going backwards, still. the flashbacks have not decreased, some of them fill me with immense shame, nearly crippling. I absolutely have to get two of these out of my head, and my friend is ok to read them, but i cant get there, so it gets worse, its fucking with my head big time. I just have to get them out, but its making me ill. They are confusing me, i feel sick, i feel stupid, should i have known, i dont fucking know, but i cant look myself in the eye. I think it would help if i could even get some of it down, one of them is sort of in 3 parts, but the first part just fills me with shame, embarrasment and a totally i am so stupid feeling.

The other flashback that i need to get out is just one of those ones that fucks me up. Simple as that.

I am still getting a few of these flashbacks that i dont recall at all - and i'm not going to go there with even listening to my own concerns of whether these might have happened. I honestly think that they did not as i remember all of it, i wouldnt opt which ones to remember and which ones to block out and because they are just not situations i can relate to then i am sure it is just a trick that my mind is playing on me, because why would i remember some other  awful stuff and not these ones, so it kind of feels like there is no emotions attached to them, i see them in full but there is nothing there, and i cant see that i would not have any emotions with them, when i can see what deranged things are happening.

Health Update = ok, had infected area's drained and didnt need to go hospital.

New concern = on day 5 of not having eaten a single thing. Not because i dont want to eat, i love food, but because the anxiety is so intense in my stomach that with in minutes of eating its straight out the other end, and for what ever reason, there is no let up. Normally the knotted stomach comes and goes but its it just 10 fold and with no break, so looks like i might be losing a few pounds until this passes, wont help mind you, my being in the soup has resulted in less home cooking and more chips or processed foods which has made me put a few pounds on, and not exercising like i used to because of my back means nothing is being burnt off, actually would say i have probably put about a stone on in 3 months, so losing a few wont exactly hurt, but i'm getting weak, and a bit shaky, but i am not hungry and impossible to tell if i have hunger pains because of the feeling in my stomach, oh its all so fucking lovely in my world. I can still smoke and drink coffee though :)