I find it extremely difficult to co-exist with all of this stuff going on, with work, friends, family and life. I know this is a ridiculous statement to make as i am more than aware life/feelings/emotions just don't work like this, but i just want to box up all the healing stuff and NOT have it impact on the rest of my life, but you know, it doesn't really give a shit about anything else in my life, it just jumps in two feet forst and stamps all over everything.

I want to make a deal with life - i will deal with all the abuse stuff and properly IF i can have some of my old life back and i can work on them side by side. If you have read the book The secret - Rhonda Byrne you will know what i mean when i say i keep sending these thoughts out there - something tells me these are the wrong thoughts to be sending out though.

I was chatting to my friend about the power differentials between children and adults and also learning disabled adults and my friend said "you know this".
I want to shake myself upside down and bounce off every wall. Of course i know this, i know it inside and out, i live it, i do it everyday, i train others, i remind staff off their approaches and vocabulary daily, just having the staff - client relationship is already enough "power and control" and can be abused, it already puts the clients at a massive disadvantage,. I'm not going to go into a three hour lecture here and start reeling out facts and data and links, but you get my drift?

But there is a massive block, the positive thing i guess is today at least i can acknowledge it is there, i just can't relate any of what i know to myself. It's  like it doesn't match, it doesn't fit, i cant see it, i cant relate to it, the rules apply to everyone but not me. The big wobble here is: If i absolutely believed in all this, then surely i could apply it to me, am i the person i think i am, are my beliefs what i think they are, am i the right person to be doing the job i do, am i worthy of being a trusted advocate.

So i start to question my chosen career path - working with people, whether it be in crisis situations, vulnerable adults, direct care, predominately health, children services, education, probation, social work etc. People dont choose these career's because they don't know what else to do, they do it because they care, because it matters, it matters a whole fucking lot that people have the liberty to be able to make choices about themselves, informed choices, have the basic right to be treated as an individual, with respect, with dignity, to have goals and dreams, to be able to love and be loved. Its a massive cultural mountian to climb to educate people on that adults with learning difficulties want sexual relationships too you know, they like you and I have desires. Try having that discussion with parent/ carers!

I have done ALOT of work in the last 8 or so years with learning disabled adults on sex and relationships - much too much to go into here, but what led me to this was the most heart breaking (not just heart breaking but made me quite angry too!) video i watched on learning disabilities and sexual relationships - well - it was, but it was around why adults with a LD are not emotionally and intelectually able to have sexual relationships - lets cut it short, basically the sex ed was so crap in this "educational" video that this couple were shown how to put a condom on a banana (The banana being the penis). They practised a few times and got the hang of it. Fast forward to the bedroom scene where intercourse was going to take place (no education here on other types of sex, actual intercourse being only 1 type of many, no mention of foreplay, arousal, feeling good/positive, trust, other parts of the body, thats it's ok if it doesn't feel good, that you can say no, that you can state clearly what feels ok and what doesn't, that the point of sex IS NOT orgasm but a deeply emotional connection with 2 or more people who are both involved and wantedly making choces).

So the bedroom scene, straight to penis/vagina intercourse, the guy puts the condom on the banana, chucks the banana with condom on, under the bed and proceeds to have intercourse....No body else in the room got it, this murmur around the room of yes, quite right, they dont understand etc crap and bollocks etc. Hang on as fuckin minute, no one actually told them it had to go on the penis, no one actually told them what the condom was for, no one explained pregnancy, STI. What they were asked in a matter of fact way was "do you think you could get up in the night to feed a hungy baby" to which they replied "no", the educator tells them "well you need a condom then". WTF.

Apologies here, went way off track!

Back to my wobble, i am so not sure if i able/capable to be doing my job right now. I know if there is a safeguarding situation i am not going to be able to lead on it, if there are video diclosures to be done i cant be the approved adult. I have learning courses to deliver to 16 teams in the next 4 months on safeguarding, being the alerter, preserving evidence etc. I CAN'T DO IT.

I don't know how i managed it before, i think maybe i had worked throughthe abuse issues in my own way and kind of desentisized my self to it, maybe thats why i delived it so well according to my colleagues, i don't know Jack apart from i cant do it anymore. I can't seem to be able to take an objective view on anything, i stumble over making decisions that i take often - that s not to say these are easy decisions but i am normally confident in making them, know every policy and procedure, know my clients rights and know what services/options are available. But i am stumbling over them, doubting myself, even this morning refering one to another manager because i just don't fucking know anymore.

I can still manage the operational side of running these services, but everything esle is what i love so much about my job. I always said i never wanted to be a manager, they don't have a fuckin clue what goes on at grass roots. Well this manager does, i make it my job to know, and why did i take the job, because i realised i could make more of a difference, have more autonomy with the bigger more complex issues, manage teams how i feel they should be managed - a manager doesn't have to walk round all suited and booted, not know their staff and be adrift of everything - it's ok you know to go to work in jeans and sweater, to know your staff, to know what happens in their lives, to be part of the jokes and to be the butt of jokes, to know that there wil be decisions that you makes that won't be popular, to know that not everyone will like you. A manager is only as good as the rest of the team and i am a massive believer that if you trainn/coach your team members, with good value based practises, develop them, trust them, give them some autonomy everyone wins.

But for now, i just keep looking at my phone, its been ringing on and off all morning, i keep telling myself they only want advice, some reassurance over an issue and i doubt my judgement so much that i can't answer.

So i'm sitting doing grunt work = needs to be done but it aint that essential right now. Wondering if tomorrow i can get some confidence back or do i hand over some responsibilities. I know its okay to state your limitations, i have a couple which i can be quite clear on with my manager and with the senior staff with in the teams - never had an issue with that, we cant all be good at everything and most of us have some limits especially when your life has been somewhat dysfunctional in more than one arena. But there is a difference between having some limitations and not being able to do your job.


Its a Bank Holiday today, normally i would be chillin, doing my own thang, and i know you can't focus on any particular meaning of any day - it is just a day after all, but i somewhat feel deprived of my life as i know it. This isn't a "poor me" situation, i guess its more about having some awareness today as although i'm feeling rather crappy i'm not completely in the soup - feeling of how far down i have come, with what appears to be no end in sight, no quick fix, no easy answer, and no relief from it.

Spending time with friends/family is so so difficult, i can manage about and hour or so then i cant manage any more, its like i just need to be on my own to process everything that is in my head, my mind doesn't switch off, and nothing distracts me for long enough. I am supporting some friends through a court case and do most of the correspondence for them, normally i sit with them, take copious notes, type away until we get a draft that they are happy with, not right now, i just cant do it. I cant spend time on points of law, referencing, quoting, and using word play. All i can do right now is write basic English in pure layman terms.

I have given up on two volunteer projects in the last couple of weeks, just couldn't handle them, couldn't give them the time they deserved. At the time it was what i needed to do, now i just feel shit about it, but that said, lets feel some more shit as i am about to give up another one. I know this is the right thing to do, i know it, i know it, i know it but it makes me feel like i have failed, that i am a failure, my friend would tell that that this is self care and its a good thing that i can  acknowledge my limits - doesn't feel like it, just feels shit.

One last thing, i have my counseling appt next week and i'm already getting wound up about it, not massively because there is no space left in my head for other stuff, but around trust issues, around being vulnerable, around not wanting to tell someone some of the things that happened, around what i should or shouldn't tell them, what is safe to and what isn't, what should i hold back, what if i don't like them balh blah blah. I mean, where do you start with talking about stuff, i also know that in a face to face discussion i will minimize stuff, why? because it means i don't have to hear myself say the words, its not as real and i won't feel that the pure shame that comes with it. But, thats just tricking oneself, i need to get this sorted and worked through, i need to be able to live again and i know that i have to give myself a fighting chance, it feels like and it is my last chance. Maybe i will tell the counselor that this is what i can do sometimes if i feel overwhelmed with stuff, i don't know.

As per flashbacks, it would be daft of me not to mention them, for my own personal record as they are such a big part of everything at the moment. They are still there, having amix of the what i call "emotional" ones, where its mainly just me, its still these ones that i find the most difficult in terms of emotionally triggering. The other flashbacks are still there, mostly around specific situations, sometimes they will be full on and knock me sideways, sometimes they gradually build until i see the whole picture, sometimes i feel kind of pissed off with them, it like, yeah i know that happened, so why am i needing to see it again, its not anything that i feel is  "up there" with the most painful or difficult of times so i dont need to talk about it, sure don't need to see it and i am fully aware of it, so fuck off.

Also been having a few where my mind is tricking me, like i know they didn't happen as i don't remember them - and i remember near enough everything, i dont always remember how i felt at the time, or there are some bits that i had sort of forgot and when the flashback occurs i then rememeber them, i dont remember every occasion of being plainly sexually abused as in straight forward sexual acts, the same i guess as not remembering every meal i ate, it just kind of becomes the norm, but i would have remembered these other situations so i know they are not what happened but more of my mind tricking me.

Lastly, i saw that there was a comment of one of the previous posts, to be totally honest i haven't read it. I know this is on a public forum and more than happy for peope to read or share as it is anonymous and also comment on but i find it exceptionally difficult to read/hear support. If i was blogging about some piece of work i had achieved etc i would happily read any comments, but this is so, so different.