I feel like i'm colliding with the world and myself. Nothing fits, nothing flows, nothing makes sense, i dont make sense to myself.

Its all fucking baby steps forward and 1km back.

Life right now is just a fuckin stuck record, anxiety, flashbacks, unable to mange flashbacks, intense headaches, insomnia, despair, feel fucking needy and high maintainance and too much, breaking point, give in and write flashback down and let it be read, anxious, ashamed - some kind of relief from anxiety, headaches insomnia - a better day or maybe two where something just feels lighter with the world - then build up of flashback, full vivid flashback, anxiety............ off it fucking goes again.

How about having 3 days, maybe 4 or what about a fucking week of maybe feeling a bit lighter.

What about no more flashbacks, or just seeing them and accepting them.

How about just going to bed and going to fucking sleep instead of me and moon being fucking best buddies.

If doing recreational drugs didnt make me feel so ill i would go and get a whole years supply, ther isnt much i havent tried in my life, but it either makes me feel sick or i dont actually like the feeling it gives you.

The old "me" seems such a distant memory, i cant remember what it was like to feel content and purposeful, i was crazy busy, lots happening, not enough time in any given day, but it was my life and as much as there were days of course where i was so knackered from working 12 hour days and still fitting friends in family in that i might have just wanted some time out now and again, i wouldn't have swapped it for a second.

In the way of life that is at the moment, of course i'm still trying to to my job, but that is about to be the biggest upheaval of all in a week or so, and i'm not managing that well. Its massive change, and quick change and im devastated.

To my friends, i love you, but no i dont want to go out to eat, drink, coffee, visits, bike ride, catch up sessions, shopping, darts, fix computers, help move house, facebook, scrabble, proof reading or anything else you want to involve me in. Please just leave me be and accept i am busy right now.

To anybody who thinks they are showing care and concern, i know i look like a bag of shit somedays, i look tired, i tremble sometimes, i'm not always on the ball, i have recurring cold sores, become jumpy and edgy somedays, smoke more = i know, but please stop asking me/telling me am i ok = its not helping and makes we want to avoid you all even more and not ever leave my house.

To my family, you might just have to try and stand on your own feet for a while, please.

To Liam, soon be 2 years since you left my life, two years since i missed those fatal calls and texts, two years of wondering if i could have got to you in time, two years of seeing you there, two years of the haunting memory of trying to bring you back when it was so obvious you were gone, two years of missing you so so much in my life. I miss you, i miss our time together, i miss so much, but its the small things i miss the most, i would give anything to see you laugh, to hear you call me those such endearing names you gave me! To listen to you playing the piano, to see you working on our cars, to hear you tell me i was the girl of your dreams, to race on our motorbikes on the coastal roads. I am so sorry sweetie that i couldnt give you what you wanted, and so sorry life dealt you the hand it did.

To my abusers, you didn't have to play your stupid fucking games to get me to do stuff, you already the upper hand, you were always going to win, you were always in control of my fate. Do you get that i actually thought that i could win some of your games, if i tried harder i might work it out, if i wasnt as stupid i could work the solution out, do you get that i actually thought that any game was fair and just and we all started off on an even playing field. Do you get that i never worked out that there wasnt a difference in some things, that i thought a pack of cards was a full deck and not some cards taken out, that when you said you tossed the coin and told me the answer i thought that you actually did but just didnt see it, that it was just coincidence that other people arrived once i was there, that it was just coincidence that your out of town friends also liked to fuck kids, that she didnt really know she was having a period and was surprised, that you didnt realize the cigarette was nearly burnt out, that you genuinely forgot you had your rings on, that you didnt realize how tight the straps were tied, that you thought you meant i said yes when i said no, that you thought the look on my face was a smile not clenched teeth, that you didnt know i was still sore from last time, that you also couldnt find my clothes and were helping me look, that it was a coincidence when they were found, that you didnt know that you had slipped out of my vagina and gone in my anus, that you didnt know you were coming, that you didnt mean to leave things in me, that you didnt know what the others were doing, that you didnt know that your special delivery mates did what they wanted with me, that you thought you had put hot water in the bath, that there was a problem with the cellar door handle. All these things and hundreds more, i thought were actually true, and that it was just bad luck on my part. I doubt any of it was true, but you knew that i honestly thought it was, and the few occasions i can remember when i did doubt something, you corrected it - but then changed the rules. Oh what fun it must have been for you all to be tricking a kid into believing these things and laughing at your own fuckin cleaverness and making me accept your apologies.

Just confused, just too fucking much, just too needy.