Just needing to vent.
So, had a better couple of days, catching up on work i have missed and getting back into things. Caught up with some friends for coffee and did a bit of FB and twitter so no body gets to notice i have been in the soup - this is a tricky one sometimes as i normally am a bit unreachable for a few days at a time because work is hellishly busy and nearly always takes up whole days and evenings when its like this, but then there is some light and i can get back to people etc. Some days at the moment, i'm unreachable because i am so deep in shit, then when i get out the other side i have so much fucking catching up to do the cycle just continues. Grr
So today, as much as i have got so much work i really need to be getting on with i decided it was going to be a work free day and have it as a "me" day. Yay.
So, up early as i am a morning person (and a night person i guess) and there is just this weight on me, it has lifted the last few days as i have been working through this last lot of crap, and probably had the nest noghts sleep i have had in a couple of weeks. Nothing major happened yesterday, busy for sure, but all good.
So my day, with plans of having a super bike ride first thing, meeting up with a buddy for some lunch, meeting my mum who i havent caught up with for a few weeks, having some time to me to potter round the house and tend to things that i have neglected and then later, my friends have invited me for a meal. yep, top day, with some awesome people and some me time.
AGHHHHH. I don't feel like i did yesterday, there is this weight on me, like a dark cloud sitting on my shoulders, its okay though, bollox to it i thought, all is ok, its just a feeling. Chucked my bike in the back of my car and drove to a super place for biking about 30 miles from where i live, it was pretty quiet and cold first thing and i knew i was going to push myself (which is a top feeling when you do and i kind of like the release feeling afterwards when your muscles have been burning up and then they start to relax), so off i set and all going well, i am pushing myself, legs are burning and then it happens - i just cant do it, i can go on. I stop my bike and get off and feel so overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, thats the only way i can explain it, just despair and nothingness. I sit on the floor by the side of the lake and was just racked with sobs, kind of uncontrolable sobbing where it wouldnt have mattered if anyone came by i couldnt have stopped them, i just bawled for about 20 mins with no let up. I cant recall actually thinking anything, it was like it wasnt a part of me. I eventually stopped spent some time just thinking, hopped on my bike and rode back to the car in a very slow ride. What is that about?
Thing is I don't really cry much, hardly at all, to be honest, i think it relates back to my childhood, not just form the abuse stuff but from my folks as well, also it doesn't help, if i could have a good bawl and feel a bit better afterwards then i sure would do it, but it doesn't. It triggers me. i get triggers if other people are deeply upset, I'm ok if other have a few tears but if someone is bawling big time i'm useless. its all a bit strange because i am a softie as well, i can have a tear at a sad movie, or if i read something really moving i can have a tear, but its 1 or 2 silent tears. Yet, anything to do with animals suffering triggers me and i lose it completely, i am indeed so bad with this that i cant read or watch anything with animals being the main part, even if its good stuff, its a no way. Not even with a happy ending. So much so that all who know me in person know this and i simply have 1 stead fast rule, you do not tell me: period. I have been known to big time have a fall out with people over this, i state my boundries quite clear but some people think it is is okay to overstep them, carry on telling me, saying its okay because it ends well - i cant do it. That said, i rescue animals if i ever i come across one that needs rescuing, but it screws me up.
All that said, i am absolutley fine with pets who need to go vets, and people telling me this, i'm not saying i dont get upset when my cat used to go vets or friends animals do, but its fine. I think there is something here about animals being so vulnerable and at humans mercy, but i cant deal with the other stuff. I cant even take the kids to the pictures as i dont do animated films, its too close a call. I could say a few more bits here but alas i'm not in the right head space and really dont want to trigger myself.
So, back to today, i'm home from my sobbing episode. I rain checked lunch with my buddy :(
But the rest of my day is going to be okay, i'm still going to meet my mum and go round friends tonight and just try to chill a bit, i wish i could shake the heavy feeling but i cant, but its not going to stop me today.
Some other things: A good friend has been accepted on fertility treatment, this makes her day so much, they have been trying for kids for so long and time is running out a bit for them, and this is the best news they have had in ages. Of course, there is still a long way to go for them, but it's def on the right track for them.
I signed up yesterday to the YMCA sleep easy event next Friday, its a charity close to my heart, so i'm more than willing. We get to sleep rough for the night to raise money for the local youth homeless shelter. (i got just over £200 in sponsor money yesterday alone so all looking good) and i get to network with so many others. Reminder to self: Do not take any volunteer opportunities as a committment. I do already do little bits of support, but had to reduce my support massively in the last couple of months as i just cant commit at present. It sucks for sure, but it sucks more letting people down.
Something really made me laugh yesterday, a memeber of staff at my new gig asked me yesterday why i didn't have the car that i really wanted. Long story short here, i love my car, my car is important to me, its personal, i love this car in particular, its the colour Blue which is my fav colour, its a bit sporty, its the car i saved for and drove 200 miles to pick up, and my car is the one of the very few spaces that i feel really safe in, but alas there are other cars which if i had money i would like. So this staff asks me the question and i explain that even 5 years old cars are around £10,000 and that sort of money is so far out of reach - probably for ever. She looks at me confused and it appeared that because i in theory do 3 people's jobs she thought i got 3 peoples wages. Ha!!!
Oh to be naive and think that and live in the ideal world! After explaining that no, i get 1 wage, and i live on my own, and things can get pretty tight when unexpected costs occur. Not knowing her very well i didnt go into anymore detail, if only she knews that albeit its the middle of winter i still dont have heating or hot water as i cant afford to get it fixed. There is also this assumption that because i have my own house on mortgage that i have money. That would be a no then, dont get me wrong, i am so so lucky to have my own house, but it was something i really wanted at the time and house prices were really low compared to now, i pay much less mortgage than anyone i know who pays rent, i just purchased at the right time i guess. Of couse, there are draw backs, i dont get to call a landlord to fix my heating, to replace my window which is rotten, or re glaze the back door after a little accident i had last year (oops), but it makes me feel safe knowing that i can stay here as long as i want and no one can take it from me. When it comes to money as well - its not something i particulary like to talk about, i would go as far to say i hate it, lets trade in pebbles instead! That said, if i have any spare left over at the end of the month i cant hold on to it, i like buying little gifts for friends, little surprises, or like this month, i had £20 spare (fags and petrol accounted for) and my eldest Nephew had no credit on his phone - i cant see him suffer and not speak to his new young love on the phone so i topped his phone up. Soft, maybe, but when you are 15 it is the most important thing in the world to him right now and he has my heart, so. Although, my sister texted me last night to blame me (laughing) that he was singing a song that he heard in my car, and ends with the chorus, sing, you motherfuckers sing! The Dresden Dolls rock and now he is their number 1 fan but for all the wrong reasons!
Saturday 30 January 2010
Friday 29 January 2010
Okay, so been pretty deeply in the soup for the last week, probably the worst i have felt in such a long stretch for a while. The culprit: A Flashback that decided to play on repeat mode, was nearly impossible to talk about, couldn't get no perspective on it as i couldn't hold it without slipping into the flashback. Umm.
So, i'm pretty much out the other side of it, yay woohoo yay :)
Seriously, it has been rough. I have more perspective on it now, can hold it as an adult and can view it objectively. Gotta just say though, for my own record here, there were some fleeting moments of absolute helplessness while this has been happening for the last week, frustrated at myself for feeling "stuck", frustrated because this wasn't something i didn't know about, i knew about it, remembered it and could hold it ok - so just frustrated that it came as a very vivid muti-sensory flashback that became unmanageable with in days. What is that about?
Linked in with that is a concern that other situations that i can hold perfectly well, now, and have done for years coming back in flashback mode. This concerns me for a few of reasons:
1) Surely i don't need to talk about everything that happened to me - some things just happened: Fact:
2) There are somethings that i really don't want to talk about - but if they come at me like this one did i'm not going to have alot of choice. This isn't fully about specific incidents, okay, some of it is, but others is about some thoughts/feelings/memories and things i didn't understand then, that although i understand now, i didn't then and the memories of have of this.
3) I absolutely don't have time or energy to be dealing with this level of intense emotional processes. That isn't saying i'm not invested in healing, of course i am, but i couldn't do this last week on a regular basis.
4) It feels like it knocks me back so much, in every area of my life and i want to be progressing.
You know what is the most vulnerable feeling: knowing that when it hits, there is fuck all i can do about it, i have tried believe me. It really is like a 18 wheeler truck coming at you and you know its going to hit, you know there is nothing you can do apart from fingers crossed you make it through the other side.
All that aside, the very basic fact that i really, seriously really cannot afford to get so behind with work, it will take me a week now just to catch up, providing i stay level. This can't be sustained, my role is so busy and yeah maybe sometimes i don't always recognise what i do fit into a day, but i love it, so thats that. But, trust me here, it wont be possible to have weeks like this often.
I also feel completely non supportive to my friends and family, the period of time that it so bad for me, is so much so that i cannot at its worst, visit, take calls from anyone, support anyone else or just be around. I become selfish and self centred and to be honest, i feel that in the soup that it doesn't bother me at the time, its only coming out the other side that i realize what i have missed - like my sisters scan :( Makes me feel crappy crap crap.
So, back to the now. Feeling much much much brighter, feel lighter, had a really productive work day, albeit dealing with crisis pretty much most of the day - just one of those days but felt so good to be on the ball and just deal, signpost, support, action and feel like i have made a difference.
Some awesome news today as well, some friends of mine who foster kids are getting the 4 brothers back who they fostered for a year. Not so good all round, their family placement broke down which trust me, these boys have been through enough already with out more change in their young lives, but at the case conference today, the eldest was asked if he was sure that he wanted to go to my friends (instead of extended family) to which he replied " Yes i do, and (me) will be waiting to take me out on a bike ride and play with my remote control car with me". I actually thought my friends were exaggerating, but i have seen the case conference minutes and there it is in black and white - see, i do have my uses :)
Really though, these boys are just so awesome, the youngest is 5 and oldest 11, and i love them. Hats off to my friends, not sure i would be strong enough to have them live with me for a year, nurture them love them, watch them grow into fantastic little people and then watch them go back. Knowing that they loved you so much as well, have to tell you, i was heart broken. I cant really share anymore here about them or their lives as its not my place to do that, but these 4 boys have my heart.
My next week looks rather busy and somewhat emotional, but thats all manageable, so long as i can keep my head above water.
My best friend who i haven't seen for 4 years is jetting into Heathrow airport, and we have 3 hours before her connecting flight to catch up, hug loads and just be funky together, i so cant wait.
I have a memorial to go to which is going to be so tough, my sister finally starts her chemo after some delays on Monday. Tuesday my sis and I are going to choose two different hair pieces for her (the chemo will make her lose her hair with in two weeks so this was important to her). Weds, i have my counseling assessment - umm.
On the work front: Tuesday morning i am giving a presentaion to 200 people on personalisation - i so need to get my act together as not done this for 4 months and i hate talking in front of people, but i have some awesome people supporting me and i have done all the prep work (very nearly) so just gonna have to go with the flow, give em my cheekiest smile and know that i will change some peoples thoughts and perspectives for the better. Thursday: i get to present my case at a disciplinary panel i have been investigating - and trust me, its not going to go down to well with some other managers, although i cant go into any detail here, let me just say this: Discrimination on any grounds is not acceptable, just not, no. And when the shit hits the fan as it always does and you really dig deep into an issue, people who are truely discriminative cannot hide, and this will be paramount in my findings and the end result. The real kick arse issue here is that really? This person should be sacked or at least a final written warning with conditions in place - but its not going to happen, because others have been so sneaky and flawed in their reporting and recording that their whole case has fallen apart at the seams, and the real issue - cannot be proved. Will it be a lesson learnt - i doubt it.
Okay, so bed for me, 2.20am, 5 hours sleep on the cards - but 5 hours of quality sleep is gonna be heaven :)
So, i'm pretty much out the other side of it, yay woohoo yay :)
Seriously, it has been rough. I have more perspective on it now, can hold it as an adult and can view it objectively. Gotta just say though, for my own record here, there were some fleeting moments of absolute helplessness while this has been happening for the last week, frustrated at myself for feeling "stuck", frustrated because this wasn't something i didn't know about, i knew about it, remembered it and could hold it ok - so just frustrated that it came as a very vivid muti-sensory flashback that became unmanageable with in days. What is that about?
Linked in with that is a concern that other situations that i can hold perfectly well, now, and have done for years coming back in flashback mode. This concerns me for a few of reasons:
1) Surely i don't need to talk about everything that happened to me - some things just happened: Fact:
2) There are somethings that i really don't want to talk about - but if they come at me like this one did i'm not going to have alot of choice. This isn't fully about specific incidents, okay, some of it is, but others is about some thoughts/feelings/memories and things i didn't understand then, that although i understand now, i didn't then and the memories of have of this.
3) I absolutely don't have time or energy to be dealing with this level of intense emotional processes. That isn't saying i'm not invested in healing, of course i am, but i couldn't do this last week on a regular basis.
4) It feels like it knocks me back so much, in every area of my life and i want to be progressing.
You know what is the most vulnerable feeling: knowing that when it hits, there is fuck all i can do about it, i have tried believe me. It really is like a 18 wheeler truck coming at you and you know its going to hit, you know there is nothing you can do apart from fingers crossed you make it through the other side.
All that aside, the very basic fact that i really, seriously really cannot afford to get so behind with work, it will take me a week now just to catch up, providing i stay level. This can't be sustained, my role is so busy and yeah maybe sometimes i don't always recognise what i do fit into a day, but i love it, so thats that. But, trust me here, it wont be possible to have weeks like this often.
I also feel completely non supportive to my friends and family, the period of time that it so bad for me, is so much so that i cannot at its worst, visit, take calls from anyone, support anyone else or just be around. I become selfish and self centred and to be honest, i feel that in the soup that it doesn't bother me at the time, its only coming out the other side that i realize what i have missed - like my sisters scan :( Makes me feel crappy crap crap.
So, back to the now. Feeling much much much brighter, feel lighter, had a really productive work day, albeit dealing with crisis pretty much most of the day - just one of those days but felt so good to be on the ball and just deal, signpost, support, action and feel like i have made a difference.
Some awesome news today as well, some friends of mine who foster kids are getting the 4 brothers back who they fostered for a year. Not so good all round, their family placement broke down which trust me, these boys have been through enough already with out more change in their young lives, but at the case conference today, the eldest was asked if he was sure that he wanted to go to my friends (instead of extended family) to which he replied " Yes i do, and (me) will be waiting to take me out on a bike ride and play with my remote control car with me". I actually thought my friends were exaggerating, but i have seen the case conference minutes and there it is in black and white - see, i do have my uses :)
Really though, these boys are just so awesome, the youngest is 5 and oldest 11, and i love them. Hats off to my friends, not sure i would be strong enough to have them live with me for a year, nurture them love them, watch them grow into fantastic little people and then watch them go back. Knowing that they loved you so much as well, have to tell you, i was heart broken. I cant really share anymore here about them or their lives as its not my place to do that, but these 4 boys have my heart.
My next week looks rather busy and somewhat emotional, but thats all manageable, so long as i can keep my head above water.
My best friend who i haven't seen for 4 years is jetting into Heathrow airport, and we have 3 hours before her connecting flight to catch up, hug loads and just be funky together, i so cant wait.
I have a memorial to go to which is going to be so tough, my sister finally starts her chemo after some delays on Monday. Tuesday my sis and I are going to choose two different hair pieces for her (the chemo will make her lose her hair with in two weeks so this was important to her). Weds, i have my counseling assessment - umm.
On the work front: Tuesday morning i am giving a presentaion to 200 people on personalisation - i so need to get my act together as not done this for 4 months and i hate talking in front of people, but i have some awesome people supporting me and i have done all the prep work (very nearly) so just gonna have to go with the flow, give em my cheekiest smile and know that i will change some peoples thoughts and perspectives for the better. Thursday: i get to present my case at a disciplinary panel i have been investigating - and trust me, its not going to go down to well with some other managers, although i cant go into any detail here, let me just say this: Discrimination on any grounds is not acceptable, just not, no. And when the shit hits the fan as it always does and you really dig deep into an issue, people who are truely discriminative cannot hide, and this will be paramount in my findings and the end result. The real kick arse issue here is that really? This person should be sacked or at least a final written warning with conditions in place - but its not going to happen, because others have been so sneaky and flawed in their reporting and recording that their whole case has fallen apart at the seams, and the real issue - cannot be proved. Will it be a lesson learnt - i doubt it.
Okay, so bed for me, 2.20am, 5 hours sleep on the cards - but 5 hours of quality sleep is gonna be heaven :)
Wednesday 20 January 2010
AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH
That kind of sums it all up.
I am so fucked off with feeling like i do, with moaning that i feel like i do, with feeling like i can't change how i feel and feeling trapped in this fucking no where land.
I just want the old me back, see moaning again.
I spend half my day fighting off all these crappy feelings, thoughts and memories and flashbacks, trying to fight them off enough to be able to do something productive in a day - hell, i do have a full time paid job to do and although my time can be spent in a number of ways i do really have to show my face in the work place now and again.
It becoming like a massive challenge to work up to leaving the house to go to a work base, somehow i have to try and pack my head up and zip it shut for long enough for me to be able to undertake some of the essential parts of my job.
So i have a deadline for a big piece of work - this Friday, i have been working on it all week and all i have produced is a pile of shit. That is all i kind of have been working on, my days of multi tasking have gone, my days of having 3 computers running full throttle, constant working between the three, e-mails, phone calls, proof reading, project management, management of service plans, customer focus meetings, keeping up to date with news, other forums, developments, activist crap, crisis management and of course my actual job = all gone, just cant fucking do it.
This piece of work that i have, i am a "champion" for completing these quite complicated 143 pages of service delivery. I have completed so many, albeit all of them different, i have spent hours with my management teams supporting them with theirs, i even thought about some freelance working offering this support to external agencies (didnt really have the time and it is something that there is a massive demand for, but it doesnt really give me anything, not making a difference). Now it comes to my own, i cant find the words, its like i have lost the skillset.
I am wondering if i will ever get the "me" back. My life and thoughts and behaviours and coping skills have changed so dramatically in the last few months i really am someone different. someone has replaced me and i dont know them. I dont like them, if i met me now, i wouldnt want to be friends with me.
Not really sure how to change this, i've been trying the last couple of days to block out any thoughts of anything resembling abuse and although i can do it for a few hours, once i relax a little it just hits me in the face and it floor me again. What i am struggling to get across here is that i dont know how i tick anymore, we all know how we respond to situations, how we deal with stress and crisises, what our limits are, how we talk about things - its like what i know about me and how i respond and react isnt true anymore.
The "me" that i know, responds well to almost any situation, if there is a crisis, emergency, an ocuring situation i am the sort of person you want around - except when it comes to suicide - cant deal. I'm probably not the best at sharing my own crisises with people, probably the worst, but that is mainly around trust, around not wanting to feel like my load is too heavy for anyone. Most issues apart from that i am a good communicator, i can be really honest, really dig deep and communicate even better with people than you origionally thought possible. I dont run away from any given situation, period.
Then there is this new me, who tries to ignore everything going on in her head, running away from everything that might require a little bit of me to sort, not understanding my thoughts, getting so fucking confused and caught up with debates in my own head, basically arguing with myself, and it just fucking impacts on everything.
Its nearly at the point where i need to write down what the problem is, waht my options are of dealing with it, decide what option to take.....but then i cant do it, i get scared of my own feelings and thoughts around voicing what ever it is, feel like i shouldnt be unpacking the issue, feels like i shouldnt need to be talking about actual situations that occured.
Todays example: been having a flashback for 3 days now, beeen building and building and now its totally fucking my head up. it wont go away, i have acknowledged it, but it wont budge. The tension headache that this is causing me is getting really intense, i am getting more distressed everytime it happens because i cant keep seeing the same thing. So, options available. I shut up and put up. I would love to, but i know it doesnt work, it will build to the point where i will either spontaneously combust or will want to hit my head with a sledge hammer. I can mail my friend and ask if its okay to write it down and send. Now, this normally works, i'm not saying it disappears overnight but it eases it for sure, untill it kind of dies away, and if it still sits there we will talk some about it.
So, what's the problem? Well.....i cant fucking explain it. i think all other crap aside its about i dont want to be this fucking vulnerable and needy. Yet, this is the most i have ever trusted anyone to hold my shit, this is the most anyone has ever helped me and helped in a way that fits with me, and she is ok with it. Yeah, Golden ticket i agree, yet it doesnt stop me feeling that i am too much and i am taking up peoples time.
I contact the counseling place yesterday, they cancelled my last appt and were supposed to be contacting me for another one, which they hadn't. So i got on the phone in a brave moment and give em shit (in a nice way of course) and got another appt - 2 weeks away. If they cancel this one im going to have to look elsewhere - which is strange considering a few months back i didnt want to enter into counseling, now i have my head around it and know how it will benefit me, i want it, and feel a little disappointed that it seems to be getting farther away from my reach.
Ummm.
That kind of sums it all up.
I am so fucked off with feeling like i do, with moaning that i feel like i do, with feeling like i can't change how i feel and feeling trapped in this fucking no where land.
I just want the old me back, see moaning again.
I spend half my day fighting off all these crappy feelings, thoughts and memories and flashbacks, trying to fight them off enough to be able to do something productive in a day - hell, i do have a full time paid job to do and although my time can be spent in a number of ways i do really have to show my face in the work place now and again.
It becoming like a massive challenge to work up to leaving the house to go to a work base, somehow i have to try and pack my head up and zip it shut for long enough for me to be able to undertake some of the essential parts of my job.
So i have a deadline for a big piece of work - this Friday, i have been working on it all week and all i have produced is a pile of shit. That is all i kind of have been working on, my days of multi tasking have gone, my days of having 3 computers running full throttle, constant working between the three, e-mails, phone calls, proof reading, project management, management of service plans, customer focus meetings, keeping up to date with news, other forums, developments, activist crap, crisis management and of course my actual job = all gone, just cant fucking do it.
This piece of work that i have, i am a "champion" for completing these quite complicated 143 pages of service delivery. I have completed so many, albeit all of them different, i have spent hours with my management teams supporting them with theirs, i even thought about some freelance working offering this support to external agencies (didnt really have the time and it is something that there is a massive demand for, but it doesnt really give me anything, not making a difference). Now it comes to my own, i cant find the words, its like i have lost the skillset.
I am wondering if i will ever get the "me" back. My life and thoughts and behaviours and coping skills have changed so dramatically in the last few months i really am someone different. someone has replaced me and i dont know them. I dont like them, if i met me now, i wouldnt want to be friends with me.
Not really sure how to change this, i've been trying the last couple of days to block out any thoughts of anything resembling abuse and although i can do it for a few hours, once i relax a little it just hits me in the face and it floor me again. What i am struggling to get across here is that i dont know how i tick anymore, we all know how we respond to situations, how we deal with stress and crisises, what our limits are, how we talk about things - its like what i know about me and how i respond and react isnt true anymore.
The "me" that i know, responds well to almost any situation, if there is a crisis, emergency, an ocuring situation i am the sort of person you want around - except when it comes to suicide - cant deal. I'm probably not the best at sharing my own crisises with people, probably the worst, but that is mainly around trust, around not wanting to feel like my load is too heavy for anyone. Most issues apart from that i am a good communicator, i can be really honest, really dig deep and communicate even better with people than you origionally thought possible. I dont run away from any given situation, period.
Then there is this new me, who tries to ignore everything going on in her head, running away from everything that might require a little bit of me to sort, not understanding my thoughts, getting so fucking confused and caught up with debates in my own head, basically arguing with myself, and it just fucking impacts on everything.
Its nearly at the point where i need to write down what the problem is, waht my options are of dealing with it, decide what option to take.....but then i cant do it, i get scared of my own feelings and thoughts around voicing what ever it is, feel like i shouldnt be unpacking the issue, feels like i shouldnt need to be talking about actual situations that occured.
Todays example: been having a flashback for 3 days now, beeen building and building and now its totally fucking my head up. it wont go away, i have acknowledged it, but it wont budge. The tension headache that this is causing me is getting really intense, i am getting more distressed everytime it happens because i cant keep seeing the same thing. So, options available. I shut up and put up. I would love to, but i know it doesnt work, it will build to the point where i will either spontaneously combust or will want to hit my head with a sledge hammer. I can mail my friend and ask if its okay to write it down and send. Now, this normally works, i'm not saying it disappears overnight but it eases it for sure, untill it kind of dies away, and if it still sits there we will talk some about it.
So, what's the problem? Well.....i cant fucking explain it. i think all other crap aside its about i dont want to be this fucking vulnerable and needy. Yet, this is the most i have ever trusted anyone to hold my shit, this is the most anyone has ever helped me and helped in a way that fits with me, and she is ok with it. Yeah, Golden ticket i agree, yet it doesnt stop me feeling that i am too much and i am taking up peoples time.
I contact the counseling place yesterday, they cancelled my last appt and were supposed to be contacting me for another one, which they hadn't. So i got on the phone in a brave moment and give em shit (in a nice way of course) and got another appt - 2 weeks away. If they cancel this one im going to have to look elsewhere - which is strange considering a few months back i didnt want to enter into counseling, now i have my head around it and know how it will benefit me, i want it, and feel a little disappointed that it seems to be getting farther away from my reach.
Ummm.
Saturday 16 January 2010
Okay, so this is a kind of bookmark.
Was in a crap place when i last wrote here, thats ok i guess.
I just need to put this here so i can come back to it and maybe address it or explain a little more than i can now.
So, i've just done something so fucking crazy, don't know what i was thinking - and i really dont - not in a losing my mind kind of way - but more of a "what the fuck are you doing that for" kind of way.
I've triggered the hell out of myself, i dont know what i thought i would gain from it, Jeez sometimes i don't get me.
Now, this hasnt come out of the blue, as in, the passing thoughts - these have been here for a good couple of weeks since i managed to write the flashback down, but i dont know what i am expecting from myself.
Maybe its just about acknowledging that i know what i do, maybe there is something here about revisiting something as an adult, maybe there is this part of me that feels this immense sense of guilt, guilt of knowing some heavy secret, fuck, i dont know what it is. Maybe its about trying to put something right, maybe its about knowing that there were other victims in all of this.
I'm so not sure, but it kind of feels like its not my secret to hold, i wasnt responsible, i was involved for sure, but there was no choice in this, i was part of the secret, but not in a responsible way as in it was not my doing. I wish i understood it more, i wish it didnt feel so loaded.
It feels so heavy, if i had just one chance to delete any single event that happened, it would absolutley be that one. But it cant be taken back, the 3 people who abused me and I know this one thing - they may have been alot of things, but they werent stupid enough to brag about this. Oh i remember seeing the swear to god pact about no one ever knowing, the threat made by each of them to each other if anyone ever did. I do also remember seeing the fear on their faces, straight afterwards and in the hours following, they may have been alot of things, but this was out of their league.
As a kid, i fully believed that they would get away with it, it was like some perfectly planned adventure - looking back now, i cant believe they did get away with it. It was flawed in so many ways, including a kid being involved.
You know, you cant turn back the time, i cant put it right, no matter what my thoughts are, no matter how heavy it sits on me, i cant change the outcome. but what am i defending here, a secret that i dont want any part of? someone elses actions? The consequences of the situation which did involve me, it wasnt my fault but it still happened because of me. is that my responsibility? Is it that that sits so heavy on me, knowing that although i had no control over the situation or outcome, it happened because of me.
I really dont know, but its something that i'm going to have to talk about, even if we dont get any answers, its getting heavier.
Was in a crap place when i last wrote here, thats ok i guess.
I just need to put this here so i can come back to it and maybe address it or explain a little more than i can now.
So, i've just done something so fucking crazy, don't know what i was thinking - and i really dont - not in a losing my mind kind of way - but more of a "what the fuck are you doing that for" kind of way.
I've triggered the hell out of myself, i dont know what i thought i would gain from it, Jeez sometimes i don't get me.
Now, this hasnt come out of the blue, as in, the passing thoughts - these have been here for a good couple of weeks since i managed to write the flashback down, but i dont know what i am expecting from myself.
Maybe its just about acknowledging that i know what i do, maybe there is something here about revisiting something as an adult, maybe there is this part of me that feels this immense sense of guilt, guilt of knowing some heavy secret, fuck, i dont know what it is. Maybe its about trying to put something right, maybe its about knowing that there were other victims in all of this.
I'm so not sure, but it kind of feels like its not my secret to hold, i wasnt responsible, i was involved for sure, but there was no choice in this, i was part of the secret, but not in a responsible way as in it was not my doing. I wish i understood it more, i wish it didnt feel so loaded.
It feels so heavy, if i had just one chance to delete any single event that happened, it would absolutley be that one. But it cant be taken back, the 3 people who abused me and I know this one thing - they may have been alot of things, but they werent stupid enough to brag about this. Oh i remember seeing the swear to god pact about no one ever knowing, the threat made by each of them to each other if anyone ever did. I do also remember seeing the fear on their faces, straight afterwards and in the hours following, they may have been alot of things, but this was out of their league.
As a kid, i fully believed that they would get away with it, it was like some perfectly planned adventure - looking back now, i cant believe they did get away with it. It was flawed in so many ways, including a kid being involved.
You know, you cant turn back the time, i cant put it right, no matter what my thoughts are, no matter how heavy it sits on me, i cant change the outcome. but what am i defending here, a secret that i dont want any part of? someone elses actions? The consequences of the situation which did involve me, it wasnt my fault but it still happened because of me. is that my responsibility? Is it that that sits so heavy on me, knowing that although i had no control over the situation or outcome, it happened because of me.
I really dont know, but its something that i'm going to have to talk about, even if we dont get any answers, its getting heavier.
Friday 15 January 2010
I feel like i'm colliding with the world and myself. Nothing fits, nothing flows, nothing makes sense, i dont make sense to myself.
Its all fucking baby steps forward and 1km back.
Life right now is just a fuckin stuck record, anxiety, flashbacks, unable to mange flashbacks, intense headaches, insomnia, despair, feel fucking needy and high maintainance and too much, breaking point, give in and write flashback down and let it be read, anxious, ashamed - some kind of relief from anxiety, headaches insomnia - a better day or maybe two where something just feels lighter with the world - then build up of flashback, full vivid flashback, anxiety............ off it fucking goes again.
How about having 3 days, maybe 4 or what about a fucking week of maybe feeling a bit lighter.
What about no more flashbacks, or just seeing them and accepting them.
How about just going to bed and going to fucking sleep instead of me and moon being fucking best buddies.
If doing recreational drugs didnt make me feel so ill i would go and get a whole years supply, ther isnt much i havent tried in my life, but it either makes me feel sick or i dont actually like the feeling it gives you.
The old "me" seems such a distant memory, i cant remember what it was like to feel content and purposeful, i was crazy busy, lots happening, not enough time in any given day, but it was my life and as much as there were days of course where i was so knackered from working 12 hour days and still fitting friends in family in that i might have just wanted some time out now and again, i wouldn't have swapped it for a second.
In the way of life that is at the moment, of course i'm still trying to to my job, but that is about to be the biggest upheaval of all in a week or so, and i'm not managing that well. Its massive change, and quick change and im devastated.
To my friends, i love you, but no i dont want to go out to eat, drink, coffee, visits, bike ride, catch up sessions, shopping, darts, fix computers, help move house, facebook, scrabble, proof reading or anything else you want to involve me in. Please just leave me be and accept i am busy right now.
To anybody who thinks they are showing care and concern, i know i look like a bag of shit somedays, i look tired, i tremble sometimes, i'm not always on the ball, i have recurring cold sores, become jumpy and edgy somedays, smoke more = i know, but please stop asking me/telling me am i ok = its not helping and makes we want to avoid you all even more and not ever leave my house.
To my family, you might just have to try and stand on your own feet for a while, please.
To Liam, soon be 2 years since you left my life, two years since i missed those fatal calls and texts, two years of wondering if i could have got to you in time, two years of seeing you there, two years of the haunting memory of trying to bring you back when it was so obvious you were gone, two years of missing you so so much in my life. I miss you, i miss our time together, i miss so much, but its the small things i miss the most, i would give anything to see you laugh, to hear you call me those such endearing names you gave me! To listen to you playing the piano, to see you working on our cars, to hear you tell me i was the girl of your dreams, to race on our motorbikes on the coastal roads. I am so sorry sweetie that i couldnt give you what you wanted, and so sorry life dealt you the hand it did.
To my abusers, you didn't have to play your stupid fucking games to get me to do stuff, you already the upper hand, you were always going to win, you were always in control of my fate. Do you get that i actually thought that i could win some of your games, if i tried harder i might work it out, if i wasnt as stupid i could work the solution out, do you get that i actually thought that any game was fair and just and we all started off on an even playing field. Do you get that i never worked out that there wasnt a difference in some things, that i thought a pack of cards was a full deck and not some cards taken out, that when you said you tossed the coin and told me the answer i thought that you actually did but just didnt see it, that it was just coincidence that other people arrived once i was there, that it was just coincidence that your out of town friends also liked to fuck kids, that she didnt really know she was having a period and was surprised, that you didnt realize the cigarette was nearly burnt out, that you genuinely forgot you had your rings on, that you didnt realize how tight the straps were tied, that you thought you meant i said yes when i said no, that you thought the look on my face was a smile not clenched teeth, that you didnt know i was still sore from last time, that you also couldnt find my clothes and were helping me look, that it was a coincidence when they were found, that you didnt know that you had slipped out of my vagina and gone in my anus, that you didnt know you were coming, that you didnt mean to leave things in me, that you didnt know what the others were doing, that you didnt know that your special delivery mates did what they wanted with me, that you thought you had put hot water in the bath, that there was a problem with the cellar door handle. All these things and hundreds more, i thought were actually true, and that it was just bad luck on my part. I doubt any of it was true, but you knew that i honestly thought it was, and the few occasions i can remember when i did doubt something, you corrected it - but then changed the rules. Oh what fun it must have been for you all to be tricking a kid into believing these things and laughing at your own fuckin cleaverness and making me accept your apologies.
Just confused, just too fucking much, just too needy.
Its all fucking baby steps forward and 1km back.
Life right now is just a fuckin stuck record, anxiety, flashbacks, unable to mange flashbacks, intense headaches, insomnia, despair, feel fucking needy and high maintainance and too much, breaking point, give in and write flashback down and let it be read, anxious, ashamed - some kind of relief from anxiety, headaches insomnia - a better day or maybe two where something just feels lighter with the world - then build up of flashback, full vivid flashback, anxiety............ off it fucking goes again.
How about having 3 days, maybe 4 or what about a fucking week of maybe feeling a bit lighter.
What about no more flashbacks, or just seeing them and accepting them.
How about just going to bed and going to fucking sleep instead of me and moon being fucking best buddies.
If doing recreational drugs didnt make me feel so ill i would go and get a whole years supply, ther isnt much i havent tried in my life, but it either makes me feel sick or i dont actually like the feeling it gives you.
The old "me" seems such a distant memory, i cant remember what it was like to feel content and purposeful, i was crazy busy, lots happening, not enough time in any given day, but it was my life and as much as there were days of course where i was so knackered from working 12 hour days and still fitting friends in family in that i might have just wanted some time out now and again, i wouldn't have swapped it for a second.
In the way of life that is at the moment, of course i'm still trying to to my job, but that is about to be the biggest upheaval of all in a week or so, and i'm not managing that well. Its massive change, and quick change and im devastated.
To my friends, i love you, but no i dont want to go out to eat, drink, coffee, visits, bike ride, catch up sessions, shopping, darts, fix computers, help move house, facebook, scrabble, proof reading or anything else you want to involve me in. Please just leave me be and accept i am busy right now.
To anybody who thinks they are showing care and concern, i know i look like a bag of shit somedays, i look tired, i tremble sometimes, i'm not always on the ball, i have recurring cold sores, become jumpy and edgy somedays, smoke more = i know, but please stop asking me/telling me am i ok = its not helping and makes we want to avoid you all even more and not ever leave my house.
To my family, you might just have to try and stand on your own feet for a while, please.
To Liam, soon be 2 years since you left my life, two years since i missed those fatal calls and texts, two years of wondering if i could have got to you in time, two years of seeing you there, two years of the haunting memory of trying to bring you back when it was so obvious you were gone, two years of missing you so so much in my life. I miss you, i miss our time together, i miss so much, but its the small things i miss the most, i would give anything to see you laugh, to hear you call me those such endearing names you gave me! To listen to you playing the piano, to see you working on our cars, to hear you tell me i was the girl of your dreams, to race on our motorbikes on the coastal roads. I am so sorry sweetie that i couldnt give you what you wanted, and so sorry life dealt you the hand it did.
To my abusers, you didn't have to play your stupid fucking games to get me to do stuff, you already the upper hand, you were always going to win, you were always in control of my fate. Do you get that i actually thought that i could win some of your games, if i tried harder i might work it out, if i wasnt as stupid i could work the solution out, do you get that i actually thought that any game was fair and just and we all started off on an even playing field. Do you get that i never worked out that there wasnt a difference in some things, that i thought a pack of cards was a full deck and not some cards taken out, that when you said you tossed the coin and told me the answer i thought that you actually did but just didnt see it, that it was just coincidence that other people arrived once i was there, that it was just coincidence that your out of town friends also liked to fuck kids, that she didnt really know she was having a period and was surprised, that you didnt realize the cigarette was nearly burnt out, that you genuinely forgot you had your rings on, that you didnt realize how tight the straps were tied, that you thought you meant i said yes when i said no, that you thought the look on my face was a smile not clenched teeth, that you didnt know i was still sore from last time, that you also couldnt find my clothes and were helping me look, that it was a coincidence when they were found, that you didnt know that you had slipped out of my vagina and gone in my anus, that you didnt know you were coming, that you didnt mean to leave things in me, that you didnt know what the others were doing, that you didnt know that your special delivery mates did what they wanted with me, that you thought you had put hot water in the bath, that there was a problem with the cellar door handle. All these things and hundreds more, i thought were actually true, and that it was just bad luck on my part. I doubt any of it was true, but you knew that i honestly thought it was, and the few occasions i can remember when i did doubt something, you corrected it - but then changed the rules. Oh what fun it must have been for you all to be tricking a kid into believing these things and laughing at your own fuckin cleaverness and making me accept your apologies.
Just confused, just too fucking much, just too needy.
Saturday 9 January 2010
Right now, all i want to know is when i will "turn the corner" and start to feel like i am healing rather than just fucking barely struggling to get through some days.
This in not about trying to hurry the process up, its about being so unsure of how much longer i can keep being in this current state.
When i got triggered big time on a couple of occasions, when all of this started to come back, i never thought, not for one second that i would still be in this heightened state of anxiety 3/4 months down the line.
For sure, i knew it wasn't going to be a quick fix, but having thought i had done some healing i kind of thoght i would have a few things to work through and i would be back on the happy days.
You know, when ever i have been ill, with a virus or something (not just feeling rough but like ILL) i always tell myself that once i am better i will wake up every day and thank the world for feeling well. Doesnt last though does it, as its all relative. Once you forget you were ill and life gets so freaking hectic, you wake with thinking what your plans are for the day and the days begins alot of the time at full speed.
I make this promise to myself now: When i have turned this corner and start to get back to the happy days, i am going to thank the world every morning with out fail, and i truely mean that. Its so, so easy to take life for granted, not just life, but the daily things in life, the just waking up in the morning and meeting the day, i could write a list here of 1000 things that i love about life, but right now, just to be able to get one small thing back would be enough, one piece of my normal life - anything will do, but i miss so much of it, i dont feel like me anymore, i feels like i cant rely on myself (more on this bit in a min).
I would love just to wake up in the morning, and decide i was going to have an extra 10 mins in bed, a little sneaky lay in, but i can't, the minute i awake, my stomach does a 360 degree flip, its instant, that real fight or flight feeling then times it by 10. There is no other option but to instantly jump out of bed, you cant lay there for even 5 seconds more, it feels that violent. Thats how the day starts. I would love more than anything to have a day back where my day doesn't start like that. I feel like being greedy and asking for more, like just to be able to drink my coffee (x 3 at least) in the morning with a smoke and gradually wake up, wander in the garden, in the spring and summer, i have a super early morning routine, i wake, get coffee and smoke and wander all round the garden seeing how all my little plants are doing, every morning with out fail, in my opinion, you would struggle to get a better start to the day.
When i had neighbours that were "proper neighbours" a couple who lived next door played some wicked tricks on me - we still laugh now, mostly at my expense of course - they used to randomly jump into my garden and plant a new plant when i wasnt there to see if i would notice, or move some pots, or swap my sunflower with their sunflowers, even once writing messages on my vegetables that i was growing. I so miss having neighbours like that, dont get me wrong, we didnt live in each others pockets, but regularly chatted over the fence, helped each other out if needed, glass of wine on a summer evening just enjoying the company. I miss that.
Going back to not being able to rely on myself: I always knew that i could rely on myself to meet any targets or deadlines etc. Didnt matter that i am mostly a very last minute person, and when the pressure is on i absolutely deliver. Never had to give it another thought, when i was studying with the OU if my piece of work needed to be completed by Monday, my tutor used to say to me, So long as when i get up on Tuesday morning and your assignment is on my door mat then who was i know you didnt put it throught the door on Monday night - i was often seen bombing round the county at 6am delivering my assignment - but never missed a deadline. Now - i just cant rely on myself, some days are so rough i really cannot function enough to complete any work, its not like its hard, or struggle to concentrate, i honestly cannot do it - and it doesnt matter what pressure is on, it makes no difference, i just cant. This has resulted in me starting to have to ask for extended deadlines on things - never done this before - and its so not me. Days when i am able to function i have to work 24/7 to get stuff completed because if it is anything like this week, i have had 3 full days when i havent been able to complete any work. trust me here, this is not good. I may have given up some extra responsibilities, but what i still have got is a massive work load.
A workload that no one else has, trust me on this one. When i broke a bone or 3 i was off work for 9 weeks and someone had to temp in my role - they ended up temp seconding 4 people on a job share - seriously. I know that it must sound like i take on an unrealistic amount of work, but i dont believe i do, i wouldnt want to pass on any of it, when i work from home i normally have such a funky routine going, multi tasking, 2 or sometimes 3 computers on the go, but it just buzzes. When i am not in the soup, i love my work mix, working from home is great, it has so many bonus' to it, but i also love working in-house and mixing with colleagues, so it seems i have the perfect mix. Right now, a full on out of the house work day just fills me with dread and fear, got to hold it together for such a long time and it exhausts me, the only relief i get is travelling around work bases, just being able to lose it for half hour in the car between visits is a life saver.
But, now, i just feel like i am going backwards, still. the flashbacks have not decreased, some of them fill me with immense shame, nearly crippling. I absolutely have to get two of these out of my head, and my friend is ok to read them, but i cant get there, so it gets worse, its fucking with my head big time. I just have to get them out, but its making me ill. They are confusing me, i feel sick, i feel stupid, should i have known, i dont fucking know, but i cant look myself in the eye. I think it would help if i could even get some of it down, one of them is sort of in 3 parts, but the first part just fills me with shame, embarrasment and a totally i am so stupid feeling.
The other flashback that i need to get out is just one of those ones that fucks me up. Simple as that.
I am still getting a few of these flashbacks that i dont recall at all - and i'm not going to go there with even listening to my own concerns of whether these might have happened. I honestly think that they did not as i remember all of it, i wouldnt opt which ones to remember and which ones to block out and because they are just not situations i can relate to then i am sure it is just a trick that my mind is playing on me, because why would i remember some other awful stuff and not these ones, so it kind of feels like there is no emotions attached to them, i see them in full but there is nothing there, and i cant see that i would not have any emotions with them, when i can see what deranged things are happening.
Health Update = ok, had infected area's drained and didnt need to go hospital.
New concern = on day 5 of not having eaten a single thing. Not because i dont want to eat, i love food, but because the anxiety is so intense in my stomach that with in minutes of eating its straight out the other end, and for what ever reason, there is no let up. Normally the knotted stomach comes and goes but its it just 10 fold and with no break, so looks like i might be losing a few pounds until this passes, wont help mind you, my being in the soup has resulted in less home cooking and more chips or processed foods which has made me put a few pounds on, and not exercising like i used to because of my back means nothing is being burnt off, actually would say i have probably put about a stone on in 3 months, so losing a few wont exactly hurt, but i'm getting weak, and a bit shaky, but i am not hungry and impossible to tell if i have hunger pains because of the feeling in my stomach, oh its all so fucking lovely in my world. I can still smoke and drink coffee though :)
This in not about trying to hurry the process up, its about being so unsure of how much longer i can keep being in this current state.
When i got triggered big time on a couple of occasions, when all of this started to come back, i never thought, not for one second that i would still be in this heightened state of anxiety 3/4 months down the line.
For sure, i knew it wasn't going to be a quick fix, but having thought i had done some healing i kind of thoght i would have a few things to work through and i would be back on the happy days.
You know, when ever i have been ill, with a virus or something (not just feeling rough but like ILL) i always tell myself that once i am better i will wake up every day and thank the world for feeling well. Doesnt last though does it, as its all relative. Once you forget you were ill and life gets so freaking hectic, you wake with thinking what your plans are for the day and the days begins alot of the time at full speed.
I make this promise to myself now: When i have turned this corner and start to get back to the happy days, i am going to thank the world every morning with out fail, and i truely mean that. Its so, so easy to take life for granted, not just life, but the daily things in life, the just waking up in the morning and meeting the day, i could write a list here of 1000 things that i love about life, but right now, just to be able to get one small thing back would be enough, one piece of my normal life - anything will do, but i miss so much of it, i dont feel like me anymore, i feels like i cant rely on myself (more on this bit in a min).
I would love just to wake up in the morning, and decide i was going to have an extra 10 mins in bed, a little sneaky lay in, but i can't, the minute i awake, my stomach does a 360 degree flip, its instant, that real fight or flight feeling then times it by 10. There is no other option but to instantly jump out of bed, you cant lay there for even 5 seconds more, it feels that violent. Thats how the day starts. I would love more than anything to have a day back where my day doesn't start like that. I feel like being greedy and asking for more, like just to be able to drink my coffee (x 3 at least) in the morning with a smoke and gradually wake up, wander in the garden, in the spring and summer, i have a super early morning routine, i wake, get coffee and smoke and wander all round the garden seeing how all my little plants are doing, every morning with out fail, in my opinion, you would struggle to get a better start to the day.
When i had neighbours that were "proper neighbours" a couple who lived next door played some wicked tricks on me - we still laugh now, mostly at my expense of course - they used to randomly jump into my garden and plant a new plant when i wasnt there to see if i would notice, or move some pots, or swap my sunflower with their sunflowers, even once writing messages on my vegetables that i was growing. I so miss having neighbours like that, dont get me wrong, we didnt live in each others pockets, but regularly chatted over the fence, helped each other out if needed, glass of wine on a summer evening just enjoying the company. I miss that.
Going back to not being able to rely on myself: I always knew that i could rely on myself to meet any targets or deadlines etc. Didnt matter that i am mostly a very last minute person, and when the pressure is on i absolutely deliver. Never had to give it another thought, when i was studying with the OU if my piece of work needed to be completed by Monday, my tutor used to say to me, So long as when i get up on Tuesday morning and your assignment is on my door mat then who was i know you didnt put it throught the door on Monday night - i was often seen bombing round the county at 6am delivering my assignment - but never missed a deadline. Now - i just cant rely on myself, some days are so rough i really cannot function enough to complete any work, its not like its hard, or struggle to concentrate, i honestly cannot do it - and it doesnt matter what pressure is on, it makes no difference, i just cant. This has resulted in me starting to have to ask for extended deadlines on things - never done this before - and its so not me. Days when i am able to function i have to work 24/7 to get stuff completed because if it is anything like this week, i have had 3 full days when i havent been able to complete any work. trust me here, this is not good. I may have given up some extra responsibilities, but what i still have got is a massive work load.
A workload that no one else has, trust me on this one. When i broke a bone or 3 i was off work for 9 weeks and someone had to temp in my role - they ended up temp seconding 4 people on a job share - seriously. I know that it must sound like i take on an unrealistic amount of work, but i dont believe i do, i wouldnt want to pass on any of it, when i work from home i normally have such a funky routine going, multi tasking, 2 or sometimes 3 computers on the go, but it just buzzes. When i am not in the soup, i love my work mix, working from home is great, it has so many bonus' to it, but i also love working in-house and mixing with colleagues, so it seems i have the perfect mix. Right now, a full on out of the house work day just fills me with dread and fear, got to hold it together for such a long time and it exhausts me, the only relief i get is travelling around work bases, just being able to lose it for half hour in the car between visits is a life saver.
But, now, i just feel like i am going backwards, still. the flashbacks have not decreased, some of them fill me with immense shame, nearly crippling. I absolutely have to get two of these out of my head, and my friend is ok to read them, but i cant get there, so it gets worse, its fucking with my head big time. I just have to get them out, but its making me ill. They are confusing me, i feel sick, i feel stupid, should i have known, i dont fucking know, but i cant look myself in the eye. I think it would help if i could even get some of it down, one of them is sort of in 3 parts, but the first part just fills me with shame, embarrasment and a totally i am so stupid feeling.
The other flashback that i need to get out is just one of those ones that fucks me up. Simple as that.
I am still getting a few of these flashbacks that i dont recall at all - and i'm not going to go there with even listening to my own concerns of whether these might have happened. I honestly think that they did not as i remember all of it, i wouldnt opt which ones to remember and which ones to block out and because they are just not situations i can relate to then i am sure it is just a trick that my mind is playing on me, because why would i remember some other awful stuff and not these ones, so it kind of feels like there is no emotions attached to them, i see them in full but there is nothing there, and i cant see that i would not have any emotions with them, when i can see what deranged things are happening.
Health Update = ok, had infected area's drained and didnt need to go hospital.
New concern = on day 5 of not having eaten a single thing. Not because i dont want to eat, i love food, but because the anxiety is so intense in my stomach that with in minutes of eating its straight out the other end, and for what ever reason, there is no let up. Normally the knotted stomach comes and goes but its it just 10 fold and with no break, so looks like i might be losing a few pounds until this passes, wont help mind you, my being in the soup has resulted in less home cooking and more chips or processed foods which has made me put a few pounds on, and not exercising like i used to because of my back means nothing is being burnt off, actually would say i have probably put about a stone on in 3 months, so losing a few wont exactly hurt, but i'm getting weak, and a bit shaky, but i am not hungry and impossible to tell if i have hunger pains because of the feeling in my stomach, oh its all so fucking lovely in my world. I can still smoke and drink coffee though :)
Sunday 3 January 2010
This is going to be such a whingy post, i so know it, but i'm kinda hoping i might feel a bit lighter for doing it - here's hoping.
You know, it isn't all "black", i have had one really positive day this week, which i do need to acknowledge, it just gets overshadowed so easily by the crap days. I had a day at the beach with a buddy - which is nothing short of amazing at this moment in time - managing to spend a whole day in someone else's company - not saying it didin't have its difficult moments, its not easy for friends who know the crazy-making person to spend time with me, i acknowledge that, of course it doesn't help that they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me - i'm not saying i am adverse to letting people know that i sexually abused as a kid, its the silence that makes it so damning, BUT, at this point in time, it is not the right time - i'm so in the fucking thick of it that its just not possible.
So, my avoidance of socializing = You have got depression (friends think this) - now, in fairness to them, what else are they supposed to think, there is only so long you can avoid people and keep being "busy" for, there is oinly so long i can use the excuse that i stayed up late or didn't sleep too good as an excuse for the bags under my eyes. The thing here as well is, my friends are used to me not always being about: wouldn't think twice if they didn't hear from me for a week as i am often so busy with work or other stuff, but you can only keep turning down pub visits for so long, its as if they are kind of testing, knowing that i never, yep never turn down an evening of cocktails in the local town, but when i am having such a shit day i just can't do it.
I love all my friends greatly, and i am trying quite honestly and clearly to be informing them that i understand their concern, but i am ok and i really don't appreciate this checking up on me, to the point where one friend was in tears because i really had to point out that she treading all over my boundries and that she really needed to listen to what i was saying. That just feels yuck.
Also really pissed of with my dad, i normally have a really good relationship with my dad, love spending time with him - can happily spend days away with him and just ride together for hours, but this last couple of weeks i have seen a real discriminative side to him, and its really ugly. Normally i would be challenging him stright away on some of the comments he has made and he knows this - its kind of like he is pushing me, but right now i just can't, i can't even have a debate with anyone about anything because as soon as my heckles get up my anxiety (which i never had before) just multiply's and flashbacks commence instantly.
My dad is pissed about something, i know this, and i just wish to be able to sit down with him and chew the fat with it, but he obviously isn't ready yet and at this point in time i can't go there with him until he can. What stinks about this though is that if you are lucky enough to have a pops like mine and have the relationship that we have you just don't want it to be that way - i know i'm not explaining my self very clearly here but i know what i mean.
So, i've relinquished some of the main "add on" bits to my paid work, this should at least give me some breathing space with emergency referals and instant decision making phone calls. I have also given up another voluntary "project", which i am really pissed about, but i had to do it, even though it wasn't massively time consuming, you can't be supporting others when you are so not in the right head space, acknowledging that was a crappy one, but still had to be done. Leaves me with my main job - or as my manager pointed out is actually three people's jobs - i am actually saving the economy another 2 full time wages here! I am keeping my hand in with some other projects which do not masively take up loads of time and just leaves me with 2 voluntary "projects" - one which i definately will not be giving up because it is rerally beneficial to me as well as other people, the other one, i will wait and see how stuff goes - but i have let them know i am not down for as much as i normally do :(
My life sort of feels like close down at the end of the summer season for holiday parks, you know where you see adverts where only some of the entertainment is on for the last month of the season, before the big shutdown - on a hell day, i couldn't care less, on a better day it kinds worries me a bit, that said, i am so not going to spend time worrying about it!
As per flashbacks - had a couple of days this week where it wasn't so intense, which was a massive relief, feels like life has given you a bit of a break. Last couple of days, had some truely awful ones, one of which just keeps repeating, seeing the same stuff and it just won't go away, and although i don't want it in my head, i'm not sure i can talk about it - its one i remember pretty clearly, but the shame that i feel around it and someone knowing that about you - even though they know other stuff - i just don't know, its not even about the other person being able to hold it i don't think - and they would tell me if they were not in a position to do so - i think it is also partly because although i see this flashback i also know that there were simlilar situations or incidents that followed on from this. Its fucking madness, all of it.
As per friends - having just come off the phone to a couple, i have agreed to answer texts and e-mail, so long as they keep to their agreement of not calling round adhoc and ringing nearly every day and generally mothering me - i honestly don't need mothering - and i know they are trying to help, but this is something i just can't be doing with - and honestly, it doesn't help matters at all - almost has the opposite effect where i feel like going away for a few months.
Health = not very good. I have enough knowledge to know that your body reacts to emotional stress - its taken a few months to get here but its started to arrive!
No periods for two months - not actually that bad a thing!
Multiple infections from old scars, not cleared up by massive dose of antibiotics, 2nd lot in 2 weeks and i know because the G.P told me that the next step is IV antibiotics- we will see, thing is they tell you there is a real risk of getting blood poisoning due to all the infection going into your blood stream - i know this yet it doesn't convince me to go back in 3 days time as i should. Yet i should feel really fucking lucky that i get free healthcare, i am lucky and i do appreciate it, i don't have to worry about the HCR in the US - i do worry because it is so fuckin wrong and all citizens should have coverage AND AB included - but it doesn't make me want to go to hosp for 48 hrs and have an IV - selfish or what.
Back = Pushed it a little bit on the two better days that i had, now it feels like back to square one.
Cramps = don't know what that is about, but i have started to have on a regular basis, calf, shin and neck cramps, probably just one of those things that is not connected to Jack.
And i'm just fuckin worn out, plain and simple.
Lets hope i don't moan away like a badass to the counselor this week, lets not - they might not have me back!
You know, it isn't all "black", i have had one really positive day this week, which i do need to acknowledge, it just gets overshadowed so easily by the crap days. I had a day at the beach with a buddy - which is nothing short of amazing at this moment in time - managing to spend a whole day in someone else's company - not saying it didin't have its difficult moments, its not easy for friends who know the crazy-making person to spend time with me, i acknowledge that, of course it doesn't help that they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me - i'm not saying i am adverse to letting people know that i sexually abused as a kid, its the silence that makes it so damning, BUT, at this point in time, it is not the right time - i'm so in the fucking thick of it that its just not possible.
So, my avoidance of socializing = You have got depression (friends think this) - now, in fairness to them, what else are they supposed to think, there is only so long you can avoid people and keep being "busy" for, there is oinly so long i can use the excuse that i stayed up late or didn't sleep too good as an excuse for the bags under my eyes. The thing here as well is, my friends are used to me not always being about: wouldn't think twice if they didn't hear from me for a week as i am often so busy with work or other stuff, but you can only keep turning down pub visits for so long, its as if they are kind of testing, knowing that i never, yep never turn down an evening of cocktails in the local town, but when i am having such a shit day i just can't do it.
I love all my friends greatly, and i am trying quite honestly and clearly to be informing them that i understand their concern, but i am ok and i really don't appreciate this checking up on me, to the point where one friend was in tears because i really had to point out that she treading all over my boundries and that she really needed to listen to what i was saying. That just feels yuck.
Also really pissed of with my dad, i normally have a really good relationship with my dad, love spending time with him - can happily spend days away with him and just ride together for hours, but this last couple of weeks i have seen a real discriminative side to him, and its really ugly. Normally i would be challenging him stright away on some of the comments he has made and he knows this - its kind of like he is pushing me, but right now i just can't, i can't even have a debate with anyone about anything because as soon as my heckles get up my anxiety (which i never had before) just multiply's and flashbacks commence instantly.
My dad is pissed about something, i know this, and i just wish to be able to sit down with him and chew the fat with it, but he obviously isn't ready yet and at this point in time i can't go there with him until he can. What stinks about this though is that if you are lucky enough to have a pops like mine and have the relationship that we have you just don't want it to be that way - i know i'm not explaining my self very clearly here but i know what i mean.
So, i've relinquished some of the main "add on" bits to my paid work, this should at least give me some breathing space with emergency referals and instant decision making phone calls. I have also given up another voluntary "project", which i am really pissed about, but i had to do it, even though it wasn't massively time consuming, you can't be supporting others when you are so not in the right head space, acknowledging that was a crappy one, but still had to be done. Leaves me with my main job - or as my manager pointed out is actually three people's jobs - i am actually saving the economy another 2 full time wages here! I am keeping my hand in with some other projects which do not masively take up loads of time and just leaves me with 2 voluntary "projects" - one which i definately will not be giving up because it is rerally beneficial to me as well as other people, the other one, i will wait and see how stuff goes - but i have let them know i am not down for as much as i normally do :(
My life sort of feels like close down at the end of the summer season for holiday parks, you know where you see adverts where only some of the entertainment is on for the last month of the season, before the big shutdown - on a hell day, i couldn't care less, on a better day it kinds worries me a bit, that said, i am so not going to spend time worrying about it!
As per flashbacks - had a couple of days this week where it wasn't so intense, which was a massive relief, feels like life has given you a bit of a break. Last couple of days, had some truely awful ones, one of which just keeps repeating, seeing the same stuff and it just won't go away, and although i don't want it in my head, i'm not sure i can talk about it - its one i remember pretty clearly, but the shame that i feel around it and someone knowing that about you - even though they know other stuff - i just don't know, its not even about the other person being able to hold it i don't think - and they would tell me if they were not in a position to do so - i think it is also partly because although i see this flashback i also know that there were simlilar situations or incidents that followed on from this. Its fucking madness, all of it.
As per friends - having just come off the phone to a couple, i have agreed to answer texts and e-mail, so long as they keep to their agreement of not calling round adhoc and ringing nearly every day and generally mothering me - i honestly don't need mothering - and i know they are trying to help, but this is something i just can't be doing with - and honestly, it doesn't help matters at all - almost has the opposite effect where i feel like going away for a few months.
Health = not very good. I have enough knowledge to know that your body reacts to emotional stress - its taken a few months to get here but its started to arrive!
No periods for two months - not actually that bad a thing!
Multiple infections from old scars, not cleared up by massive dose of antibiotics, 2nd lot in 2 weeks and i know because the G.P told me that the next step is IV antibiotics- we will see, thing is they tell you there is a real risk of getting blood poisoning due to all the infection going into your blood stream - i know this yet it doesn't convince me to go back in 3 days time as i should. Yet i should feel really fucking lucky that i get free healthcare, i am lucky and i do appreciate it, i don't have to worry about the HCR in the US - i do worry because it is so fuckin wrong and all citizens should have coverage AND AB included - but it doesn't make me want to go to hosp for 48 hrs and have an IV - selfish or what.
Back = Pushed it a little bit on the two better days that i had, now it feels like back to square one.
Cramps = don't know what that is about, but i have started to have on a regular basis, calf, shin and neck cramps, probably just one of those things that is not connected to Jack.
And i'm just fuckin worn out, plain and simple.
Lets hope i don't moan away like a badass to the counselor this week, lets not - they might not have me back!
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