What a fucking mess, that just about sums up my life.

I've been up and down like a rollercoaster these last few weeks, then i had a few good days, then this flashback.

SICK PERSON = me

I guess i would be living in denial if i thought this wouldn't have come up at some point but i didnt need it to come up yet/now/ever - i guess there isn't a good time to have this shit in your head.

What i did makes me a sick person, there is no question, anybody who did that is a sick sick twisted person and i hated myself so much. I know it wasn't my choice, i didn't choose to do it, i didn't have any option but to do it....but i still did it, and that makes me a sick person.

All my rules - i broke them, the few times this happened i always broke my rules - it was worth any consequence just in case i got let off from doing it, it made me upset, it made me feel sick, it made me hate myself, i used to punch myself in the face while looking in the mirror thats how much i hated myself for doing such a sick thing.

I know i was a child and i was made to do it, but that doesn't change anything. It was that sick even they didnt do it.

So here i am, feeling all of this again, remembering how sick i was and knowing how sick i am and knowing that my inner core is sick, nothing can take that away from me, i did it its as simple as that.

I cant go to see my counsellor, i dont want her to know how sick i am, what a disgusting person i am and have to make her suffer by being in the same room as me. And i couldn't tell her anyway, its just not okay to say some things, i know she tells me i can tell her anything but there is a limit on what someone should have to listen to.

So where do i go from here - fuck knows - walking away feels like a good option, in what ever form that is.

I feel like i have lied to everyone who knows me, i have put out this persona that i am an okay person, when i'm not, i am a sick disgusting person.

i have to put this somewhere and this is the safest place - so i'm sorry if anyone ever reads this.

I had to do things to a dog