I don't know why i've started to not feel safe at home, my home as always been a safe place for me, i guess it first started a couple of months back when i was tormented by a particular flashback and i was so tired and and near sleep deprived that i was hearing things, luckily that passed then my house was okay. But about 6 weeks ago i was having one of those rough few days patches and again home didnt feel safe, i did manage to talk to my T about it and she thought it important that we tried to work out why that was because i needed home to feel safe, but we couldn't really get to the bottom of it, i wasn't afraid of someone breaking in, or someone being there.
So it started to feel like that again in the last few days and i hate it, home is my haven, even when i have a really bad day so long as i can get home it doesn't matter, i can continue with my bad day but safely at home. So yesterday just started bad, same stupid dream that i know is just one of those dreams where everything gets mixed up and its not real, it ends with my T telling me to get on this bus with all the abusers in and telling me to be good, i get on the bus and i hear my  laughing, i turn around and she takes this mask off and its not really her, they had tricked me.I havent got a clue what that means and i did write the whole dream out on pandys, i dont think there is any meaning to it, just a combination of how i feel now mixed up with stuff from then.
So when i do sleep, i keep waking up feeling like i have been tricked again, my dreams confirm that i am sick, it even says it on the road signs in the my dream, and i feel my T is tricking me too and it takes me ages to settle into knowing it was just a dream and i dont think she would have sent me off with them and told me to be good for them, thats what Mark used to say when the others were there.
I tried to work a bit from home yesterday but i just wasn't getting anything done so i went for a drive and i dont know, sometimes it feels like its too much, theres too much stuff in my head, i can't separate it, its like it's crushing me, like millions of fragments of different flashbacks just racing round my head and i cant catch them and put them together, i cant hold them long enough to make sense of them and i dont understand it, its not new memories, i remember everything that happened, its more detailed in full flashbacks then it is in my normal memory but i know all of it, so i dont get why i am getting millions of fragmented pieces that just don't fit together being fired at me.
It was like this yesterday and i pulled the car over and all i could do was just hold my head and kind of rock - i know that sounds like i have finally lost it, maybe i have, but it was all i could do, somehow the slow rocking kind of helped. If i could have cried i'm sure i would have done. I wanted to ring my T, i sat with my phone for ages but i just couldn't do it, i didnt know what to say, i cant explain how i am feeling, i didn't know how i wanted her to help me, and i  promised myself i wouldn't do it anyway, the last thing she needs in her already busy day is me on the phone not knowing what i want or need from her.
So i drove to the beach, i sat for ages on top of a big cliff, there is an old lighthouse on top, its not longer in use, i sat right on the edge just looking out to sea, somehow it helps to calm me and knowing i have my own life options helps me feel in control of something. Its stranage sometimes with all the pressures in life, with the responsibilities of my work etc - nothing else mattered when i was just sitting there, i realized that we are all alone in life, as in alone to work it out and it makes me smile that at times when i need my T the most i dont ring her, and she wont know that i had another massive rollercoaster day where the car nearly come off the track, no one knows it, and i know it was another close call, but all i can do today is remember i did all i could do at that time to keep myself safe and sane.
So today, i don't know how i feel, i'm glad now that i didnt ring my T, i don't want her to know how bad some days can get because i cant explain it and there is no reason for it, nothing particularly happens to make me feel like that.
The constant anxiousness feeling is ten fold today, literally like my stomach is just doing somersaults, 15 per second. I know this will pass, it always does, its just waiting for it to pass, i would love nothing more than a coffee, but when its bad like this, what ever goes in comes out faster than it goes in!