Its been a rough couple of weeks, got triggered pretty badly by something and didn't manage it very well at all, my counselling appointment got cancelled and with regards to work i've been dropping the ball all over the place - and i need to step up to the mark or take some time off because its not okay.

I got triggered by something this morning - and i'm getting sick of new triggers now - its like i dont feel safe reading anything because new triggers are coming up and its fucking with my head.

Someone posted a link on Pandy's about a teddy bear website for survivors - where a teddy is assigned to you and you give the teddy a name, say what ages your were assaulted and a sort of positive message about reclaiming yourself. In the way that it was the teddy who was assaulted.

This is where my thoughts can get irrational -and i know its OTT - but it is what it is.

I looked at the teddies and it was just so wrong - by naming a teddy and saying what happened to the teddy - it was like the Teddy was hurt.
I know this is irrational but i've always been like this, i cant stand the thought of a teddy being hurt yet i cant acknowledge that i was hurt at all or feel anything for the child i was - but i could cry a thousand tears for that teddy.
I am the same with animals - i feel so much compassion for animals that it can be seen as irrational - this mainly only happens if an animal is injured or in danger or i feel sorry for it, but it can revoke such a strong reaction from me it scares me.

Horses are a massive trigger - but have no idea why - i dont even like seeing them, i feel they are looking at me, yet i feel so protective over them. About 6 months ago i was driving with a friend and a horse had escaped from a field and it was trotting freely down a country lane - i became hysterical - we stopped the car and my friend got out and guided it back through a gate and shut the gate - no big deal? I was hysterical for days, a car may of hit the horse, it could have got hurt, it was lost, it was frightened.

I have always said if i was forced to shoot and kill a human or an animal - i would kill the human?

I know - fucking nut case!

So this teddy thing - reminded me of a sort of doll that i had as a kid - it wasn't a doll or a teddy - it was a sort of beany baby thing but with a real looking face. I loved her, i cant explain how much i loved her, it was obsessional love, and i used to think she had feelings and she could feel pain.

according to my sister, i wouldn't go anywhere with out the beanie baby, she had to be with me. I remember screaming uncontrollably because my mum had put her through the washing machine and i could see her going round and round - she was hurting, she was drowning, then she got pegged on the washing line by a sort of material point she had on her head - i couldn't bear that either, she was hurting, she was just dangling.

As things got worse at home, my mum used to use this beanie baby as a way to punish me, she would hide it, or put it out of reach. My sister never understood my attachment to it, and she used to upset me on purpose by telling me she had thrown the beanie baby against the wall, or hit it, or stood on her face - i used to get distraught - i used to cuddle it and tell her how sorry i was that i left her. I used to be able to change its clothes - i didnt do this very often - but sometimes i would come home and someone would have taken its clothes off and it would be laying on my bed "naked" with its clothes next to it - again i would become distraught.  Sometimes my sister would tell me that it was calling for me while was out - i knew it couldnt do this, but it still used to upset me.

I remember packing the beanie baby away in a box and hiding her in the draw under my bed - i couldnt protect her anymore, i couldn't keep her safe, and the only way to keep her safe was by shutting her away and pretending she meant nothing to me - then she would be left alone - and she was - and whenever she was mentioned i just used to say i didnt care about her anymore.

Looking back, i think it was just my sister being a little shit, it was fun to her - i honestly don't think she meant any serious harm by it. I have asked her as adults why she did this - and she just laughs and says it was funny - she used to think my reaction was funny when she told me she had hurt it - and she tells me sometimes she really did hurt it.

I don't get how i can feel so sad - now - as an adult - remembering how much i loved and wanted to protect that beanie baby, and i could, for the first itme in years and years just sit and cry. I wont because its not helpful to me, but for the first time in years it feels like i could access those tears so easily.