FUCK FUCK FUCK

Sorry, just needed to vent that!

What the fuck am i doing - i need to write that here so i can actually see the question written down - i know i'm losing it.

I don't know, everything just feels so wrong. I have stopped logging on to Pandy's, its not that i wanted to stop but i feel a fraud. The people there are just some of the best people ever, they understand me, they support me and even if they cant understand because they haven't had a similar experience they help me sort it in my head and still offer me support - right now they are more important to me than real life friends - but i feel so bad. I would never want any of them to feel that i had tricked them, and i need to protect them from that.
I'm not going over the same shit as i have done the last week, but its all still there, i cant get it to get the fuck out of my head.
As much as its going to nearly kill me (well thats how it feels) i think i'm going to have to write the flasshback down and give it to my T - also there was some other stuff that happened connected to this and although it hasn't been in this flashback i think i still need to get it out - maybe just going to have to get everything out connected to this.
I think i need to do this - but i'm scared of my own reactions too - i know how i feel about it and i am worried the shame will be too much to face my T with - and i promised myself and my pandy buddies that i wouldn't cancel any T sessions. I don't want this to destroy the relationship i have with my T and stop me from moving forward - i know thats all down to me - but i dont trust myself to be strong enough to just face her, arghhh its so fuckin hard.

Maybe i could write it out and ask her to shred it after she reads it - i hate the thought of that being around, even if its safely locked away.

I'm missing my Pandy friends, i do feel a connection with them and i care about them, maybe i'm too attached and maybe thats not good for anyone. I want to tell them i'm sorry if they feel sickened by what i did as a child, i want them to know that its okay for them to feel like that and its okay to be disgusted by me - but they wont tell me that and it confuses me, i don't know if its what they genuinely think or whether they think its what they should say. I have no reason to think they are not being honest with me, but i dont understand why they dont feel like i do about myself.

Something really triggering happened today - and its something i haven't thought of for coming up to 30 years. I was struggling like shit at work and came home to work from home. I was sitting in the garden just trying to get my head together and then from no where there was the sound of a mouth organ, playing a little tune. I was like what the fuck is going on, i thought i had finally lost it and was now hearing things that were not there - but it was. a neighbour was playing a mouth organ. i ran indoors and looked out of my bedroom window to check who this person was - and it must have been a visitor next door. I felt sick, i was trying to hold it in but couldn't any longer and just allowed myself to be sick. One of the people who used to be at Marks house sometimes used to play a mouth organ, he always used to carry it around in his pocket - he wasn't one of the really bad guys, in that he didn't purposly hurt me and i don't think he knew it was hurting, but it still triggered me badly.