I was talking to a work colleague this morning about people dying, and she was saying she see's it as some "almighty power" up above, looking down on all of us millions of people in the world and just getting an eraser and rubbing one of us out - just like that, no choice, no understanding the impact - just rubbing one of us out. Strange how we all think so differently.

But life is strange, regardless of what happens, we carry on, others carry on, the world carries on - its like i remember when someone close to me died and i was walking through the town and people were just going about their normal stuff and i wanted to shout to them, why hasn't the world stopped, this has just happened and people are just shopping for clothes and shoes as if its a normal day - and of course to everyone else it was - but i also learnt that day that you never know what other people are going through in their lives, the person sitting next to you on the bus, standing next to you in the checkout queue - we just don't know - yet the world carries on.

And i was thinking about if i was to die. I was reading something once where it said we should be grateful for the people we have in our lives, never take one day for granted because when they are gone, we will want those days back - it's like the saying its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I was thinking about those people in my life who would be affected if i was to die. There is my mum, i love her, and as an adult i'm sure she loves me now, but she would get by, she has her partner, i don't see her weekly, on a day to day experience it wouldn't be a massive impact. There is my dad, i love him and i know he loves me, he has a partner now so needs me around less, again, i dont see him weekly and my dad is one of those people who just says "well, you have to get on with it" - so i'm not saying he wont miss me but he would manage. My sister and the boys - this is where it gets harder, how would my sister be? The boys, i think it would take a while to adjust to but they are young and have their whole lives ahead of them, they would move forward with it. I'm stuck with my sister, she already struggles with bi-polar, and she has cancer and is really finding the treatment hard going, oh and i love her so so much.
My friends, yeah they mean a lot to me, and they do - but they all have their own lives, kids and partners and although i have no doubt they will miss me, life will go on for them. My work colleagues - same really, i have no doubt they would miss me, but again, i'm not a part of their daily lives, its not an emotional attachment, they would move on okay. My extended family - we are not that close, so no daily impact for them.
Then i was thinking about my pandy friends - it wouldn't impact on them because i'm not actually part of their lives, they might miss me being around, but it wouldn't impact on them, and actually they wouldn't know, how could they know, they would just think i had decided not be part of the community anymore.
My T - again she wouldn't know, no one knows i go to T, so if i didnt turn up one week my T would probably telephone me, but obviously would get no answer, and after trying a few times i guess she wouldn't keep trying because she wouldn't know i was dead and would think i would think that she was hassling me - and lets say somehow she did know - again no impact, i'm like a work colleague in a sense (she just knows a lot more!).

So. my sister is the wobble.

There is no worry or panic here, just some things i've been thinking about thats all.

i've felt like i've been on the verge of tears today, of course i haven't actually been but i guess it could be classed as close! I was listening to some music and coldplay "fix you" came on and this line "tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace" - ooh, it hit a nerve....i'm not sure where it hit, but it did hit. Thinking about what i'm really stuck with at the moment and how it made me feel then and feel now - it was like even more of a realisation that  i can't take back what i did - and i know i didnt want it to happen and i get that i had no choice and i know i did it because i had to - but that doesn't stop how i feel about myself - it makes no difference at all, i still did it and that still makes me a sick person, maybe not sick by choice - but i cant erase that memory of actually doing it - i cant say it was someone else because it wasn't, i cant take that feeling away from myself of hating myself so much, the remorse i felt, the disgust and the shame - thats all for me and it has my name on it, and i cant shake it off, its like a ball and chain around me, then i laugh really because of course i cant shake it off, it belongs to me, i own it, i am responsible for it.

My T said to me that i wasn't the sick person, everyone else in the room was a sick person but i wasn't - bit of a coincidence do you not think. My T doesn't get something that is so important, for me personally, my personal values are that it was wrong to do that. If i was to read in a paper about people doing sexual things to animals it would disgust me. For me its just wrong - full stop. So what i did was wrong, and sick.

I feel like i am one of them, i should be hated along with them, and what used to upset me the most as a child, was that the dog didnt know i didnt want to do it, for him it was a human doing that to him, its no different from when i had to do things to that other girl that time - she didn't know i didnt want to do it - and she will remember this other girl doing stuff to her, she will never know what the consequences were for me for not doing exactly like they told me to do, and thats okay, the poor girl was just traumatized. i can see her face, i can see her crying, i can hear her crying, i remember watching them hurting her, i remember Mark walking behind me and pushing me towards her telling me what to do, it went quiet, he pushed me some more, he was getting angrier with me, he was asking me/telling me "are you fucking ignoring me", it was so quiet in that room, it was if i could feel the others wanting me to get on with it because no one wanted Mark to be angry, the girl never took her eyes off me, not once. All i wanted was for her to look the other way, but it was like she was fixed on me, kind of pure disbelief. I wrecked her world that day, she is probably having T now because of me. That could be you, you could be reading this having been abused once by someone the same age as you, you a victim of abuse because of me - as i said - it makes me one of them.
I am hated by every survivor of abuse, including myself.