TRIGGER WARNING

I'm sorry, i've got to "talk" more but if i dont get some of this out i will go slightly mad.

I've put the trigger warning there because i just need to say whats in my head, so don't read on if you think you might be triggered.

I saw my T today and managed to tell her some of the flashback that i have been having, i didnt manage to tell her all of it but did tell her alot of it.

This is a continue from the last post so i'm not going to go into how sick a person i am, i just need to write out what the flashback is and hopefully between the bits i managed to tell my T and what i can write here it will start to fade - it has to soon because i have a headache from hell and i just feel constantly sick.

So, the flashback starts as i walk into the house, the man is standing in the kitchen, i see something on the table and take a quick glance at it, i look up and am cross with myself because he cought me looking at the table, he grins. I see on the table a dog lead. Mark and some others come through to the kitchen and there is some talking, i get taken into the lounge and they follow. I know at this point what coming, i've been in the house for 5 mins and no one has told me to take my clothes off, so its either a game coming up or my worst fear.

Its my worst fear, there in the lounge is the dog. This is the hard thing, i loved that dog, i didn't see him very often but he was a lovely dog, he was an alsation cross and he had an ear that kind of flopped over and he was soft to stroke, he had lovely eyes.

It was "make the dog happy" time. Already the tears were welling up in my eyes, thats nearly rule number 1 broken, i was looking at the dog and trying to telepathically tell him i didnt want to do it and i was sorry. They are waiting, i ask them not to make me do it, rule number 2 broken, i tell them i dont want to do it, rule number 3 broken, i start to cry, rule number 1 broken.

The dog stands up and i have to lay under him and touch his penis through the fur, then after a bit i have to pull the fur back and his penis comes out, his penis become really big like longer than the men, then they make me hold the penis tighter sort of gripping it hard and i have to keep my hand moving and the dog moves a bit and he bites my arm a bit, i dont mind him biting my arm because i dont think he likes it either, after a bit he comes and its not like the men, it more like water. Then they make me put it in my mouth but its hard to do because shaney keeps moving and he keep biting my other arm, i can hear them laughing, i can hear someone saying its fucking sick, i can hear myself saying i'm sorry to shaney, i take it out my mouth and he comes again this time it looks more like the men's stuff, then shaney sort of jumps over me and goes to the man that owns him and he strokes his head telling him he was a good boy. I try to stop crying but i can't, it was so wrong to do that to shaney, i hate myself for doing it and i cant look at shaney. I get up off the floor and i glance at them and  the shame and the embarassment burns through me. i go to leave and they don't stop me, i dont go home, i just go to my den and stay there for hours, the hating of myself continues, i hate myself to the core. I'm sorry shaney.