I don't know why i've started to not feel safe at home, my home as always been a safe place for me, i guess it first started a couple of months back when i was tormented by a particular flashback and i was so tired and and near sleep deprived that i was hearing things, luckily that passed then my house was okay. But about 6 weeks ago i was having one of those rough few days patches and again home didnt feel safe, i did manage to talk to my T about it and she thought it important that we tried to work out why that was because i needed home to feel safe, but we couldn't really get to the bottom of it, i wasn't afraid of someone breaking in, or someone being there.
So it started to feel like that again in the last few days and i hate it, home is my haven, even when i have a really bad day so long as i can get home it doesn't matter, i can continue with my bad day but safely at home. So yesterday just started bad, same stupid dream that i know is just one of those dreams where everything gets mixed up and its not real, it ends with my T telling me to get on this bus with all the abusers in and telling me to be good, i get on the bus and i hear my  laughing, i turn around and she takes this mask off and its not really her, they had tricked me.I havent got a clue what that means and i did write the whole dream out on pandys, i dont think there is any meaning to it, just a combination of how i feel now mixed up with stuff from then.
So when i do sleep, i keep waking up feeling like i have been tricked again, my dreams confirm that i am sick, it even says it on the road signs in the my dream, and i feel my T is tricking me too and it takes me ages to settle into knowing it was just a dream and i dont think she would have sent me off with them and told me to be good for them, thats what Mark used to say when the others were there.
I tried to work a bit from home yesterday but i just wasn't getting anything done so i went for a drive and i dont know, sometimes it feels like its too much, theres too much stuff in my head, i can't separate it, its like it's crushing me, like millions of fragments of different flashbacks just racing round my head and i cant catch them and put them together, i cant hold them long enough to make sense of them and i dont understand it, its not new memories, i remember everything that happened, its more detailed in full flashbacks then it is in my normal memory but i know all of it, so i dont get why i am getting millions of fragmented pieces that just don't fit together being fired at me.
It was like this yesterday and i pulled the car over and all i could do was just hold my head and kind of rock - i know that sounds like i have finally lost it, maybe i have, but it was all i could do, somehow the slow rocking kind of helped. If i could have cried i'm sure i would have done. I wanted to ring my T, i sat with my phone for ages but i just couldn't do it, i didnt know what to say, i cant explain how i am feeling, i didn't know how i wanted her to help me, and i  promised myself i wouldn't do it anyway, the last thing she needs in her already busy day is me on the phone not knowing what i want or need from her.
So i drove to the beach, i sat for ages on top of a big cliff, there is an old lighthouse on top, its not longer in use, i sat right on the edge just looking out to sea, somehow it helps to calm me and knowing i have my own life options helps me feel in control of something. Its stranage sometimes with all the pressures in life, with the responsibilities of my work etc - nothing else mattered when i was just sitting there, i realized that we are all alone in life, as in alone to work it out and it makes me smile that at times when i need my T the most i dont ring her, and she wont know that i had another massive rollercoaster day where the car nearly come off the track, no one knows it, and i know it was another close call, but all i can do today is remember i did all i could do at that time to keep myself safe and sane.
So today, i don't know how i feel, i'm glad now that i didnt ring my T, i don't want her to know how bad some days can get because i cant explain it and there is no reason for it, nothing particularly happens to make me feel like that.
The constant anxiousness feeling is ten fold today, literally like my stomach is just doing somersaults, 15 per second. I know this will pass, it always does, its just waiting for it to pass, i would love nothing more than a coffee, but when its bad like this, what ever goes in comes out faster than it goes in!

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Sorry, just needed to vent that!

What the fuck am i doing - i need to write that here so i can actually see the question written down - i know i'm losing it.

I don't know, everything just feels so wrong. I have stopped logging on to Pandy's, its not that i wanted to stop but i feel a fraud. The people there are just some of the best people ever, they understand me, they support me and even if they cant understand because they haven't had a similar experience they help me sort it in my head and still offer me support - right now they are more important to me than real life friends - but i feel so bad. I would never want any of them to feel that i had tricked them, and i need to protect them from that.
I'm not going over the same shit as i have done the last week, but its all still there, i cant get it to get the fuck out of my head.
As much as its going to nearly kill me (well thats how it feels) i think i'm going to have to write the flasshback down and give it to my T - also there was some other stuff that happened connected to this and although it hasn't been in this flashback i think i still need to get it out - maybe just going to have to get everything out connected to this.
I think i need to do this - but i'm scared of my own reactions too - i know how i feel about it and i am worried the shame will be too much to face my T with - and i promised myself and my pandy buddies that i wouldn't cancel any T sessions. I don't want this to destroy the relationship i have with my T and stop me from moving forward - i know thats all down to me - but i dont trust myself to be strong enough to just face her, arghhh its so fuckin hard.

Maybe i could write it out and ask her to shred it after she reads it - i hate the thought of that being around, even if its safely locked away.

I'm missing my Pandy friends, i do feel a connection with them and i care about them, maybe i'm too attached and maybe thats not good for anyone. I want to tell them i'm sorry if they feel sickened by what i did as a child, i want them to know that its okay for them to feel like that and its okay to be disgusted by me - but they wont tell me that and it confuses me, i don't know if its what they genuinely think or whether they think its what they should say. I have no reason to think they are not being honest with me, but i dont understand why they dont feel like i do about myself.

Something really triggering happened today - and its something i haven't thought of for coming up to 30 years. I was struggling like shit at work and came home to work from home. I was sitting in the garden just trying to get my head together and then from no where there was the sound of a mouth organ, playing a little tune. I was like what the fuck is going on, i thought i had finally lost it and was now hearing things that were not there - but it was. a neighbour was playing a mouth organ. i ran indoors and looked out of my bedroom window to check who this person was - and it must have been a visitor next door. I felt sick, i was trying to hold it in but couldn't any longer and just allowed myself to be sick. One of the people who used to be at Marks house sometimes used to play a mouth organ, he always used to carry it around in his pocket - he wasn't one of the really bad guys, in that he didn't purposly hurt me and i don't think he knew it was hurting, but it still triggered me badly.

I was talking to a work colleague this morning about people dying, and she was saying she see's it as some "almighty power" up above, looking down on all of us millions of people in the world and just getting an eraser and rubbing one of us out - just like that, no choice, no understanding the impact - just rubbing one of us out. Strange how we all think so differently.

But life is strange, regardless of what happens, we carry on, others carry on, the world carries on - its like i remember when someone close to me died and i was walking through the town and people were just going about their normal stuff and i wanted to shout to them, why hasn't the world stopped, this has just happened and people are just shopping for clothes and shoes as if its a normal day - and of course to everyone else it was - but i also learnt that day that you never know what other people are going through in their lives, the person sitting next to you on the bus, standing next to you in the checkout queue - we just don't know - yet the world carries on.

And i was thinking about if i was to die. I was reading something once where it said we should be grateful for the people we have in our lives, never take one day for granted because when they are gone, we will want those days back - it's like the saying its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I was thinking about those people in my life who would be affected if i was to die. There is my mum, i love her, and as an adult i'm sure she loves me now, but she would get by, she has her partner, i don't see her weekly, on a day to day experience it wouldn't be a massive impact. There is my dad, i love him and i know he loves me, he has a partner now so needs me around less, again, i dont see him weekly and my dad is one of those people who just says "well, you have to get on with it" - so i'm not saying he wont miss me but he would manage. My sister and the boys - this is where it gets harder, how would my sister be? The boys, i think it would take a while to adjust to but they are young and have their whole lives ahead of them, they would move forward with it. I'm stuck with my sister, she already struggles with bi-polar, and she has cancer and is really finding the treatment hard going, oh and i love her so so much.
My friends, yeah they mean a lot to me, and they do - but they all have their own lives, kids and partners and although i have no doubt they will miss me, life will go on for them. My work colleagues - same really, i have no doubt they would miss me, but again, i'm not a part of their daily lives, its not an emotional attachment, they would move on okay. My extended family - we are not that close, so no daily impact for them.
Then i was thinking about my pandy friends - it wouldn't impact on them because i'm not actually part of their lives, they might miss me being around, but it wouldn't impact on them, and actually they wouldn't know, how could they know, they would just think i had decided not be part of the community anymore.
My T - again she wouldn't know, no one knows i go to T, so if i didnt turn up one week my T would probably telephone me, but obviously would get no answer, and after trying a few times i guess she wouldn't keep trying because she wouldn't know i was dead and would think i would think that she was hassling me - and lets say somehow she did know - again no impact, i'm like a work colleague in a sense (she just knows a lot more!).

So. my sister is the wobble.

There is no worry or panic here, just some things i've been thinking about thats all.

i've felt like i've been on the verge of tears today, of course i haven't actually been but i guess it could be classed as close! I was listening to some music and coldplay "fix you" came on and this line "tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace" - ooh, it hit a nerve....i'm not sure where it hit, but it did hit. Thinking about what i'm really stuck with at the moment and how it made me feel then and feel now - it was like even more of a realisation that  i can't take back what i did - and i know i didnt want it to happen and i get that i had no choice and i know i did it because i had to - but that doesn't stop how i feel about myself - it makes no difference at all, i still did it and that still makes me a sick person, maybe not sick by choice - but i cant erase that memory of actually doing it - i cant say it was someone else because it wasn't, i cant take that feeling away from myself of hating myself so much, the remorse i felt, the disgust and the shame - thats all for me and it has my name on it, and i cant shake it off, its like a ball and chain around me, then i laugh really because of course i cant shake it off, it belongs to me, i own it, i am responsible for it.

My T said to me that i wasn't the sick person, everyone else in the room was a sick person but i wasn't - bit of a coincidence do you not think. My T doesn't get something that is so important, for me personally, my personal values are that it was wrong to do that. If i was to read in a paper about people doing sexual things to animals it would disgust me. For me its just wrong - full stop. So what i did was wrong, and sick.

I feel like i am one of them, i should be hated along with them, and what used to upset me the most as a child, was that the dog didnt know i didnt want to do it, for him it was a human doing that to him, its no different from when i had to do things to that other girl that time - she didn't know i didnt want to do it - and she will remember this other girl doing stuff to her, she will never know what the consequences were for me for not doing exactly like they told me to do, and thats okay, the poor girl was just traumatized. i can see her face, i can see her crying, i can hear her crying, i remember watching them hurting her, i remember Mark walking behind me and pushing me towards her telling me what to do, it went quiet, he pushed me some more, he was getting angrier with me, he was asking me/telling me "are you fucking ignoring me", it was so quiet in that room, it was if i could feel the others wanting me to get on with it because no one wanted Mark to be angry, the girl never took her eyes off me, not once. All i wanted was for her to look the other way, but it was like she was fixed on me, kind of pure disbelief. I wrecked her world that day, she is probably having T now because of me. That could be you, you could be reading this having been abused once by someone the same age as you, you a victim of abuse because of me - as i said - it makes me one of them.
I am hated by every survivor of abuse, including myself.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm sorry, i've got to "talk" more but if i dont get some of this out i will go slightly mad.

I've put the trigger warning there because i just need to say whats in my head, so don't read on if you think you might be triggered.

I saw my T today and managed to tell her some of the flashback that i have been having, i didnt manage to tell her all of it but did tell her alot of it.

This is a continue from the last post so i'm not going to go into how sick a person i am, i just need to write out what the flashback is and hopefully between the bits i managed to tell my T and what i can write here it will start to fade - it has to soon because i have a headache from hell and i just feel constantly sick.

So, the flashback starts as i walk into the house, the man is standing in the kitchen, i see something on the table and take a quick glance at it, i look up and am cross with myself because he cought me looking at the table, he grins. I see on the table a dog lead. Mark and some others come through to the kitchen and there is some talking, i get taken into the lounge and they follow. I know at this point what coming, i've been in the house for 5 mins and no one has told me to take my clothes off, so its either a game coming up or my worst fear.

Its my worst fear, there in the lounge is the dog. This is the hard thing, i loved that dog, i didn't see him very often but he was a lovely dog, he was an alsation cross and he had an ear that kind of flopped over and he was soft to stroke, he had lovely eyes.

It was "make the dog happy" time. Already the tears were welling up in my eyes, thats nearly rule number 1 broken, i was looking at the dog and trying to telepathically tell him i didnt want to do it and i was sorry. They are waiting, i ask them not to make me do it, rule number 2 broken, i tell them i dont want to do it, rule number 3 broken, i start to cry, rule number 1 broken.

The dog stands up and i have to lay under him and touch his penis through the fur, then after a bit i have to pull the fur back and his penis comes out, his penis become really big like longer than the men, then they make me hold the penis tighter sort of gripping it hard and i have to keep my hand moving and the dog moves a bit and he bites my arm a bit, i dont mind him biting my arm because i dont think he likes it either, after a bit he comes and its not like the men, it more like water. Then they make me put it in my mouth but its hard to do because shaney keeps moving and he keep biting my other arm, i can hear them laughing, i can hear someone saying its fucking sick, i can hear myself saying i'm sorry to shaney, i take it out my mouth and he comes again this time it looks more like the men's stuff, then shaney sort of jumps over me and goes to the man that owns him and he strokes his head telling him he was a good boy. I try to stop crying but i can't, it was so wrong to do that to shaney, i hate myself for doing it and i cant look at shaney. I get up off the floor and i glance at them and  the shame and the embarassment burns through me. i go to leave and they don't stop me, i dont go home, i just go to my den and stay there for hours, the hating of myself continues, i hate myself to the core. I'm sorry shaney.

What a fucking mess, that just about sums up my life.

I've been up and down like a rollercoaster these last few weeks, then i had a few good days, then this flashback.

SICK PERSON = me

I guess i would be living in denial if i thought this wouldn't have come up at some point but i didnt need it to come up yet/now/ever - i guess there isn't a good time to have this shit in your head.

What i did makes me a sick person, there is no question, anybody who did that is a sick sick twisted person and i hated myself so much. I know it wasn't my choice, i didn't choose to do it, i didn't have any option but to do it....but i still did it, and that makes me a sick person.

All my rules - i broke them, the few times this happened i always broke my rules - it was worth any consequence just in case i got let off from doing it, it made me upset, it made me feel sick, it made me hate myself, i used to punch myself in the face while looking in the mirror thats how much i hated myself for doing such a sick thing.

I know i was a child and i was made to do it, but that doesn't change anything. It was that sick even they didnt do it.

So here i am, feeling all of this again, remembering how sick i was and knowing how sick i am and knowing that my inner core is sick, nothing can take that away from me, i did it its as simple as that.

I cant go to see my counsellor, i dont want her to know how sick i am, what a disgusting person i am and have to make her suffer by being in the same room as me. And i couldn't tell her anyway, its just not okay to say some things, i know she tells me i can tell her anything but there is a limit on what someone should have to listen to.

So where do i go from here - fuck knows - walking away feels like a good option, in what ever form that is.

I feel like i have lied to everyone who knows me, i have put out this persona that i am an okay person, when i'm not, i am a sick disgusting person.

i have to put this somewhere and this is the safest place - so i'm sorry if anyone ever reads this.

I had to do things to a dog