Okay, i know what these feelings are about, i have them often, even had them in the "good years" but it doesn't make it any easier.

Being ill always triggers me big time.

Okay, just going to be completely open and just say it.....

So i'm ill, got a chest infection, which started off with the typical flu like symptoms of aches, genrally yucky, tightness of the chest and when breathing. Now, just got the chest infection, so alot of coughing etc.

The triggers. when i was ill as a kid, my parents never really took it on board, wasn't allowed to stay in bed ill - so still had to carry on as normal - this meant going out and staying out, and i can remember quite clearly being and feeling so ill, with no where to go, often just curling up a corner in a quiet area of a pocket park just keeping warm. Also, remember being really ill when i was being abused, and i ended up crying (i never cried or very very rarely) - which they thought was a little win for them. Also, with a chest infection, i'm doing alot of bringing phlegm up which just triggers into oral sex memories.

So, thats my triggers - the other thing is when i'm ill, i'm just no good at self care, I have never gone to bed in the day time no matter how ill i am, i literally just carry on as normal. i tried really hard this time to just take it a bit easier, but ended up getting triggered because i got up early yesterday morning, felt really rough and decided i would go back to bed - around 8am - i must have fallen asleep but woke to some twat hammering on my front door (big trigger), i then felt trapped in my bedroom and felt so vulnerable - i know rationally this is silly, my house is safe, its my house, no one else has a key and who gives a flying fuck who hammers on the front door - but it doesnt work thinking rationally when i'm triggered.

I am getting better at GP appointments - although i havent been and will ride the chest infection out, i have learnt over the years the difference between a chest infection and pleurisy and have promised myself faithfully i will go to my GP if i fear pleurisy (having had it 5 times already and hospitalized twice for it)

Other news: I have my awards ceremony next week- still no purchase of anything decent to wear!
Still no new car, haven't quite found the right one, so still on the look out.
i was having a good day and complained (very nicely) to my neighbours: the house is a rental next door and no smoking indoors - but they hang out of the front bedroom window smoking and flick thier fag butts out - most of which end up on my front lawn - i dont know if that sounds petty or not-  but either way it pisses me off when there are 50+ fag butts on my front lawn - so i told them nicely that i didnt appreciate it and made some ashtray suggestions - he said one line to me "are you the fucking cigarette police?" and shut the front door on me. Raging i was, it takes alot to wind me up, but trust me i was pacing with rage! Oh revenge will will be sweet, trust me. The annoying thing here is i just about get on with everyone, i have never really not got on with any neighbours, even if its only a quick hello, so it kinds of diminishes my faith in human nature when people can be so thoughtless and non communtiy spirited.


This weeks mini flashbacks:

2 second clip of walking down the cellar steps
2 second sound of the secret door bell ringing
A still image of the table in the cellar
A still image of his tatoo

A longer clip of my pants being on the lampshade and being lifted up to get them
A full blown flashback playing on repeat of a blindfold incident -that is fucking with my head