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Just needing to put down some stuff.

This new crappy flashback, its ok, it hasn't re surfaced, so far so good on that one.

I've been thinking, as impossibe as it seems right now, to try and tell my counselor (LA) some of this stuff that i know has the capacity to tip me over the edge before they come in flashback form? If i did, then maybe the flashback would not seem as strong or as powerful...maybe kind of beat it before it beats me.
I don't know, just a thought - thing is being able to do it. By choice, i would just sit down all reel off the fucking lot, i dont want to keep this in me, i dont want to choose what to share and not what to share, its kind of like for this to work i just need to leave nothing unsaid, otherwise it will come back and bite me on the ass. Obviously i am not going to be able to share every single situation because it went on for so long and there were just "normal" times of just normal abuse - i'm not minimizing stuff here, but "normal" would have been them three people there or a combination of them three just doing normal sex stuff to me - and that would be like asking me to rememeber what i had for tea every night.
But, i want to just say everything i can remember, i dont feel like there is stuff thats just personal to me and i dont want to say it - dont misread that as its easy to say - thats not what i'm saying at all, there are somethings that feel like will kill me if i speak of them - but i also know its these things i have to say.

If i know anything about me and about this process - and we are all different and process and heal differently, it is that i do need to say what happened, i wish that i didn't - any that may change, but right now i know the only thing that offers any release is by saying it, its kind of like a tornado that once i talk about a bit, it loses its a power a bit, and hopefully, when i talk more about other stuff it will lose its power some more, until it doesn't have any. I will still be me, still with the memories, but in control of the memories and feelings. I don't know, thats how i like to think it will work.

So, i'm going to be braver if and when i can and use this journal for its origional purpose of also getting some of the flashbacks out, even if i cant get any further than just saying what i see. Hopefully, this will also make it easier in session to talk about them or at least say what they are even if i cant go there with them, and i have to say, when i was in a bad spot the other week, i rang LA up and we couldn't meet, but she did spend some time on the phone with me, and there were a few issues, but one massive flashback was the main issue, but i was also having mini ones which i would normally be able to hold okay, but i couldn't that day, so although i couldn't talk about the main flashback i did manage to say what the mini ones were, and it helped - it just kind of shut them up.

So, i'm going to post as normal to air whats going on and at the end of each post if i have had mini flashbacks i'm just going to put them down. As stupid as they may seem, or even if they make no sense because i cant write what they relate to, i'm still going to put them down.

Its a bank holiday here today, and pre me crashing, i loved bank holidays - doesn't matter if i don't believe the origon of them, just a bit of time off to do me things. Now, its seems pointless, because i dont have the energy or fire to do me things. But today, i have to tidy the house up, i've slipped big time again on keeping stuff in some kind of order and its kind of looking like my home has been ransacked, so regardless of what i feel or want to do, its going to be music on, and get tidying.

Already nervous about writing my first flashback posting, but i'm going to stick to it....Breathe......

Flashbacks

• Still image of her hands with big rings on her fingers
• Still image of seing my bike rusting in his garden
• 3 sec clip of him on top of me watching his crucifix swinging side to side
• 3 sec clip of me walking with my bike not being to sit on the saddle
• No image, just the sound of the secret doorbell
• 3 sec clip of me naked in his kitchen making them hot drinks