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Found myself in a situation today where i was knocked sideways, so much so that i felt winded.

My sisters boys were rumaging through some old photo's at their house, and thought it be funny to find some old pictures of us. All okay, until i turned over 1 picture and it said my 9th Birthday - 2 weeks before the abuse started. it couldn't have been, through self doubt i counted the years up again etc. It was. I was floored: I Could not believe how young i looked, how vulnerable and innocent i looked. I have this image of me looking so, so much older, more streetwise, a bit tougher, the works. It took my breath away. Thats all i can say for now about it, it's just knocked me sideways for a bit.

I've been trying so hard this week not to isolate myself so much, pre this new world of torture, i am quite a social creature, don't like to be missing out on much, love visiting mates for coffee, eating out, general socializing etc.
Now, my days are so diverse that i can't plan social events, i either end up cancelling because i'm deep in the soup, or the anxiety i feel at the thought of socializing becomes too much. Now, my firends don't know anything about this current situation, about my history etc, nor do i want them to know. Maybe one day when i'm in a better place - but i doubt it.
So my friends are used to me having a very busy schedule, full of work, socializing etc, and often a text is all we have time for: But, i got called out this week by a couple of friends, who have started to really feel the lack of contact from me as maybe personal to them, and want to know what going down with me right now. This came about mostly because after 2 nights with no sleep - looking really crap and really tired - i ran out of smokes and had to leave the house and bumped into a mate - who immediately recalled and was like, what's wrong, you look awful...... It rolled off my tongue how i had been feeling flu like and only came out for some supplies etc. i think i managed to get away with it, but for how long can i keep this avoidance up.
Another mate rang me, and was just straight with me, asked me if she offended me in someway, why the lack of contact, visits etc.
What is rough here is that i really value my friends, i love them. But, nothing will ever make me feel i can trust anyone else with my shit - well this shit. I have no reason not to trust them personally, my friends are the people i choose to have as friends, so the cream of the crop in my opinion, but my own trust issues about this are too great.
I just hate to think people are feeling that i don't care for them, or that i am not bothered about our friendship. gee's, i love them all.

I had one really bad day this week, really bad. Awful flashbacks and body memories, of a situation that i am so not ready to talk about, i cant talk about it, i can't go there. It has subsided for now, but i now know its there in flashback formation, which has always been one of my greatest fears, that a few situations that really could tip me over the edge come back in flashback form. I'm not going to panic about it, its subsided for now, it may not come back again. It's dangerous sometimes, this journey. There are times when i dont even need to think will i make it, of course i will, i love life, and i've got a life that i want to get back to and live. There are other times when getting through the day is a challenge, and there are times like i had one day this week, knowing that there are other options available. I need to make clear here that i am not suicidal, the impact on me when someone i loved deeply suicided was like nothing else i have experienced, but there are times when i dont want to live anymore, live with the torture of the memories when they come in flashback form. I can live with the abuse, its the flashbacks that are killing me. There is a difference, i just dont know how to explain it right now.