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Everything just feels pointless, life.... I cant be the only one who feels like this, i get these days from time to time and i learn over the "good years" to just acknowledge them and they will pass by - and they did.

So whats so different now? Oh, it feels so dangerous now, it goes beyond feeling that life is pointless...it goes beyond just waiting for it to pass.

I'm not sure i can explain the feeling, its like a nothingness, there is no point in life, in living. This is how my thoughts go, what's the point in living, having friends, a job, good times, its all going to end anyway, what is our actual purpose of being here.

You know, i hate it, i hate feeling like this. This isn't me. I normally love life, even the crappy rainy days, it means i can read or potter around the house.

I know LA (counselor) tells me that as i start to disclose stuff to her it may be a rough time-  trust me she is spot on with that, but how close a call is it?

The flashbacks, the triggers, the body memories the nightmares on top of a life feels pointless day : yay bring it on, lets see if i can get through this one.

Why is it that i am so crap at asking for that extra support. I know why, i dont want to appear needy, to be seen as weak and not managing, the shame can be crippling and i don't know what to say is the matter, i cant put it in to words. And i feel like a burden, i imagine LA getting a phone call or message to ring me thinking "whats up now". I also know she might not be thinking that, i have only rang her once at the office when i was having a particularly bad day and she was fine with me, but then she may appear fine with me but still be thinking inside get a fucking grip of yourself. I feel she is thinking millions of others have been through what you have been through, no big deal, you should be able to deal with it.

Its this thing of feeling safe and that i can trust her on session days and a few days after, but as time wears on i think i cant, i think she is thinking these things and i get more and more sure that i am making a wrong judgement call.

I agreed that i would write down these stupid fucking mini flashbacks, so i have a piece of paper and as the week goes on i just write down one liners of each mini flashback that comes. I went to write down the two i had today while at work and i was thinking i cant, i cant put these down, they are too self explanatory, she cant know this, i dont want her to know this. How fucking off the scale is that???? Why the fuck am i going to counseling if i dont want her to know this stuff, and i know, i know, i know that to "heal" (i hate that word now) i need to talk about this shit, and she needs to know it to support me with it. I don't get it, i dont get me.

And i still dont get why i am not managing to deal with it as i have done for the last 25 years. What part in me weakened to the point where i couldn't just box it neatly away, why after all this time did i fail. I feel like i have failed, i feel like iam weak, i feel that i should just be able to say yeah that happened, i feel like i am taking LA's time up when there are other people who need her support, i'm taking up valuable resourses that other people are trying to access and should be able to deal with it. What is the big fucking deal with it.

There is this other thing as well, which is something that happened. It fucks my head, its as simple as that. And i just cant go there with it, LA knows that i cant, i told her, in my stupid triggery state last week i told her i cant tell her anything that happened down the cellar, not with me and them, not with me and the other men and not with the other man. What a fucking stupid thing to say, now she knows there is something there - i am so fucking ass hopping mad at myself. When she tells me that things were not my fault i want to fucking scream at her and tell her she is so so wrong, of course its my fault, it happened because of me, i know that, he told me that.

The thing is, i can live with all of that, i can live with never talking about and lead a preety okay life, but i cant with the flashbacks, if the flashbacks hadnt started i would have been okay, i look back on that week, just an ordinary busy week, and there was no reason for me to fall apart. I have this vision that some eternal power looked at me one day and thought, who the fuck do you think you are enjoying life, laughing, socializing and thinking you are okay, soon wipe that fucking smile off your face, pressed a button and transported me into flashback city, the land of no return.