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Yep, here again.

So its Tuesday morning, i should be at work, i should be delivering some training, there are 20 people on their way to a training course that i should be delivering - i'm sory they have wasted their journey.

I just can't do it today, i can't face the world, i can't put on my its all okay face and pretend its all okay, it isn't okay, i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I have to get a grip, i have to be stronger, i have to manage better.

Reality here, its been 24 years since the abuse stopped, 24 years to get used to living with the memories, the feelings, the things that were done to me, the things i was made to do. 24 fucking years later and here i am in a complete mess failing. failing at my job, failing at life, failing at just living. But why.

I dont understand why, why cant i just carry on and be the person i was 6 months ago. Nothing has changed.

Why has my head decided it cant cope with it anymore, why has it decided that its going to replay situations in my head, why has it decided to fuck with me. Why now, when things were going so well in my life, i had nearly everything i wanted in life. I had the most important thing i could ever want, i had peace, i was happy with just being me, i watched the sunrise and the sunset, i didn't need anything else, just to be at peace with me.

It feels like i have lost it all, its been snatched away from me, i dont know who by, it wasn't theirs to take, it was my life, i built it up to how i wanted it, i valued things in my life that maybe no one would, but i did, i did the things that made me happy, i have some truely awesome friends who i would never want to lose from my life.

But here i am, feeling like i'm a different person, i dont even resemble the person i was 6 months ago, i look the same in the mirror for sure, but its not me. I'm empty, i see past my eyes and i dont see anything.

Nothing has changed, there is no reason for me to feel like this, i'm tired of fighting the flashbacks, i'm tired of kicking my own ass everyday to be okay, i'm tired of holding it all in, i'm tired of watching the world going by feeling that i am not a part of it, i feel an outsider looking in.

the thing is, i don't know how to fix it, i have always fixed myself before, any issue, no matter how big or small, just flop it on the table and lets unpack it, see what we can do with it, see what needs to worked on, what can we let go of, what can we carry forward. life was so simple in my world.

But i don't know how to fix this. It seems unfixable, its seems like its not possible to fix. I wish so, so much that there was an instruction book, a series of steps to take, like fixing an engine on a car, following flat pack furniture instructions, i would follow it all, i wouldn't miss out any steps, i would put the extra glue on the dowel instead of just thinking it will be ok without.

I feel like i have done something wrong, feels like i am being punished for something, punished for living the life i wanted to live, punished for taking a short cut to healing and thinking it wouldn't catch up with me. Feels like i have been running from a crime and never thought i would be caught, letting your guard down, letting people in, until that knocks comes at the door. But the knock never came at the door, my head just crumbled one normal busy week, no warning, no signs, no nothing, just an 18 wheeler truck hitting me head on with abuse written all over it, i tried to dodge it, believe me i did, i thought maybe i was having some massive infection which was leading me to think these strange thoughts, the nightmares must be due to a high temperature. I fought it, i avoided it, i laughed at it, i wouldn't touch it, it didn't belong to me, i wasn't taking responsibility for it, its not mine.

But it was mine, delivered straight to my head, with my name on it, dumped on to me with no instructions or explanations.

It's fucked my head, its fucked my world, but i still look like me, people still want the same of me, still expect the same me to do the same things, of course they do, they don't know any different, and i cant tell them any different.

But i'm not me anymore, there is poison running through my veins, poison in my thoughts, poison in my dreams. I am polluted.

I don't know what to do with this new person, i don't know how to fix it, i haven't got a clue where to start, i dont know what makes her tick, what calms her, what makes her feel more comfortable, what makes her feel safe, what she needs and what she doesn't need. What she wants from me, i don't know. I don't want her, she doesn't belong here.