Is it possible to feel like you are failing at counseling? Can you fail at it? Ummm
How hard can it be to look someone in the eye for 1 second out of an hour?
How hard can it be to say just a bunch of words?
Why is it so hard to hear someone tell you what happened to you was abuse?
Is it possible to die from exhaustion and flashbacks?
Why can't I talk about something with out feeling that i am there?
Why can't i just say that i am tired, i feel like shit and having a fucking crappy day?
Will this get any easier or will it always be so rough?
Monday, 29 March 2010
Saturday, 20 March 2010
I felt it was important just to write a bit here today for my own record if for nothing else.
So it been a wobbly week for sure, but an update from the previous jumbled post.
I somehow managed to telephone my counselor (LA from here on in) on Thurs morn, its all a bit hazy now to be honest, i think i kind of felt there was nothing else left to do that could help me: I was past the point of being able to get some control myself, and although as in previous times i'm sure i would have managed it by myself just by burning out in a few days time, i just felt i needed help then as somehow it felt different than before.
So i managed to telephone, and as i said its all a bit hazy, i presume LA asked me to go over and see her, which i did. i dont remember the journey at all, but that's no big deal. I think we just spent some time getting grounded, getting my breathing back in sync, and trying to get some perspective on that i was safe now, and these were memories. I recall LA telling me a few times that i need to be the adult in control, the adult me can keep the mini me safe until its okay to talk about stuff, i'm now an adult and the memories and the feelings are that, memories and feelings and that i'm safe now. The bit i do remember is LA telling me that it will get better/more manageable, its like brain training, and with time i will be able to get to the point where i will be able to control the memories so that they are just memories and not feeling like they are happening now and not feeling consumed by them (or something similar to that). So that sounds like good news to me, just need to learn fast!
I told LA that i was scared to trust her because i was scared of feeling like i needed her or was reliant on her, i cant remember all that was said, but it was on the lines of of viewing it differently, more like support, while i need the support, until i can manage the process/thoughts/feelings by myself, i like that way of viewing of it, and she is right you know, because in my head now its no different that going on some learning and development oppotunities to learn a new part of a job, it just i'm learning to process stuff that happened years ago and how to manage it to continue to live an effective and full life, and maybe the part of me not wanting to be and feel vulnerable also needs twizzling round: If you don't know how to work Excel, Powerpoint, database, adobe captivate etc on a computer and you went on a 30 week course to learn it, you would feel vulnerable at the beginning because its something new, you might be unsure as to whether you would grasp it and retain it. I know its different because we are talking about feelings here, raw feelings which your whole life seems to be pivoting around, but if i want to get to the otherside - which i most certainly do, then surely its a small risk to take?
You know, i so like having better days like today, when you have had your 7 hours sleep, flashback free and you got plans for the day which dont include having a mini breakdown and a major panic session, yay for good days! And it doesn't matter that its a cloudy rainy day outside.
I think somehow its all become a bit clearer in my head, or maybe now i can be more accepting that there is a process to get through to the other side. If i can learn to control the flashbacks and the feelings that go with them it would be a massive step. LA thinks that once i can start to talk about the flashbacks and work through them with her it will help massively, and although there is alot that i need to get out that hasnt yet been in flashbacks, i guess we start with the flashbacks as these are the most predominant thoughts. I think my previous thoughts on not wanting to talk about the flashbacks were around LA not knowing stuff that lead up to it and me not wanting to just deal on something that feels massive which she doesn't yet know existed. Like she knows that there were 3 people who regularly abused me, she doesn't know that sometimes they had friends visit or that i was sent to visit their friends - its not that i don't want to tell her that, its just that i'm not there yet. But if a flashback i am struggling to hold involves when a visitor came to visit, it doesn't feel okay talking about that because she doesn't know about the visitors yet. Not sure if that makes sense, but i'm just going to have to get over that bit other wise the flashbacks just wont get talked about and they end up coming back to taunt me some more, which is what is happening with this one i have been having - luckily its gone away again for now, but its like the third time it has come up, spent days fucking with my head and gone again, i guess this one is gonna need getting out because it sure isnt going away, yet compared to other stuff, i dont know why its so difficult to hold.
The only way i can describe what re-occuring flashabcks are like is a bit like a tornado. With no warning, it starts, it builds up until i cant take it anymore and shatters everything in my life, i can't function, my thoughts spiral out of control i lose what is reality and what is memory. After it peaks, it gradually goes away again, just leaving destruction, raw feelings, confused feelings and feelings that i cant yet put a name to. Then at some point it comes back again. This is what we have to work on to stop.
So it been a wobbly week for sure, but an update from the previous jumbled post.
I somehow managed to telephone my counselor (LA from here on in) on Thurs morn, its all a bit hazy now to be honest, i think i kind of felt there was nothing else left to do that could help me: I was past the point of being able to get some control myself, and although as in previous times i'm sure i would have managed it by myself just by burning out in a few days time, i just felt i needed help then as somehow it felt different than before.
So i managed to telephone, and as i said its all a bit hazy, i presume LA asked me to go over and see her, which i did. i dont remember the journey at all, but that's no big deal. I think we just spent some time getting grounded, getting my breathing back in sync, and trying to get some perspective on that i was safe now, and these were memories. I recall LA telling me a few times that i need to be the adult in control, the adult me can keep the mini me safe until its okay to talk about stuff, i'm now an adult and the memories and the feelings are that, memories and feelings and that i'm safe now. The bit i do remember is LA telling me that it will get better/more manageable, its like brain training, and with time i will be able to get to the point where i will be able to control the memories so that they are just memories and not feeling like they are happening now and not feeling consumed by them (or something similar to that). So that sounds like good news to me, just need to learn fast!
I told LA that i was scared to trust her because i was scared of feeling like i needed her or was reliant on her, i cant remember all that was said, but it was on the lines of of viewing it differently, more like support, while i need the support, until i can manage the process/thoughts/feelings by myself, i like that way of viewing of it, and she is right you know, because in my head now its no different that going on some learning and development oppotunities to learn a new part of a job, it just i'm learning to process stuff that happened years ago and how to manage it to continue to live an effective and full life, and maybe the part of me not wanting to be and feel vulnerable also needs twizzling round: If you don't know how to work Excel, Powerpoint, database, adobe captivate etc on a computer and you went on a 30 week course to learn it, you would feel vulnerable at the beginning because its something new, you might be unsure as to whether you would grasp it and retain it. I know its different because we are talking about feelings here, raw feelings which your whole life seems to be pivoting around, but if i want to get to the otherside - which i most certainly do, then surely its a small risk to take?
You know, i so like having better days like today, when you have had your 7 hours sleep, flashback free and you got plans for the day which dont include having a mini breakdown and a major panic session, yay for good days! And it doesn't matter that its a cloudy rainy day outside.
I think somehow its all become a bit clearer in my head, or maybe now i can be more accepting that there is a process to get through to the other side. If i can learn to control the flashbacks and the feelings that go with them it would be a massive step. LA thinks that once i can start to talk about the flashbacks and work through them with her it will help massively, and although there is alot that i need to get out that hasnt yet been in flashbacks, i guess we start with the flashbacks as these are the most predominant thoughts. I think my previous thoughts on not wanting to talk about the flashbacks were around LA not knowing stuff that lead up to it and me not wanting to just deal on something that feels massive which she doesn't yet know existed. Like she knows that there were 3 people who regularly abused me, she doesn't know that sometimes they had friends visit or that i was sent to visit their friends - its not that i don't want to tell her that, its just that i'm not there yet. But if a flashback i am struggling to hold involves when a visitor came to visit, it doesn't feel okay talking about that because she doesn't know about the visitors yet. Not sure if that makes sense, but i'm just going to have to get over that bit other wise the flashbacks just wont get talked about and they end up coming back to taunt me some more, which is what is happening with this one i have been having - luckily its gone away again for now, but its like the third time it has come up, spent days fucking with my head and gone again, i guess this one is gonna need getting out because it sure isnt going away, yet compared to other stuff, i dont know why its so difficult to hold.
The only way i can describe what re-occuring flashabcks are like is a bit like a tornado. With no warning, it starts, it builds up until i cant take it anymore and shatters everything in my life, i can't function, my thoughts spiral out of control i lose what is reality and what is memory. After it peaks, it gradually goes away again, just leaving destruction, raw feelings, confused feelings and feelings that i cant yet put a name to. Then at some point it comes back again. This is what we have to work on to stop.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
I'm not sure i can do this anymore, this process, this journey, this "healing". The problem is i can't get over the proverbial roundabout, trust me, if there was a choice i was jump off right off. This isn't about having a rough day, nor is it about finding it difficult, it is just too rough, too unsafe and too confusing and too close a call.
I had my counseling appt 2 days ago, i was having a good day, it wasn't a deep session, talked mostly about my family dynamics, when i was younger and now and yeah it was difficult but i was okay with it.
2 days later and more frequently than ever i feel out of control, my emotions feel out of control, my logical thought process feels out of control.
Right from a very early age, i was always in control of my emotions and feelings. I may not have been able to control what happened around me or to me, but i could process how i thought about it and managed it in my own way, and i guess the outcome of that was that i never spoke about my thoughts or feelings, i kept them to myself. Having my own rules in my head actually somehow kept me sane, albeit often causing me more pain, you would think being told that something causing you pain would stop if you cried, you would just cry: nope, my rules, no tears.
As an adult, still the same, in control of my emotions and feelings, that isn't to say that i am not emotional, i sure can be, but about others, other issues, other people's lives. Drill down to me and pretty much dead. I can with people i really trust open up more, but its rare and still controlled. I made alot of choices and decisions when i was young and it becomes clear that these were choices made by someone in captivity, and somehow i never moved on from that.
Diverse for a moment, my job: I am seriously hanging on by my finger tips, and feeling those slipping. i have now given back every other responsibility that is not actually part of my job, i'm not doing any voluntary work, not on any project meetings, not on any boards. I know that i do the job of three people so regardless of being in a head space that is not always manageable, i would be freaking busy, but you know, i'm missing deadlines. It's a bit like playing a space invader game, some are passing me by and i've got no chance of hitting the deadline, some of them i didn't even see coming, of course, i respond by saying yep nearly done and spend the next 24 hours solid working on it and no one knows any difference, but it would be silly of me to think i can keep that up. I'm drowning.
I have 2 problems here (yeah, laugh, just 2!), but this is how i can explain it it my most logical but illogical way:
Counseling/trust/feelings/vulnerability. (rolled into 1 problem). My counselor, seriously, she is ok, i like her, feels like a good fit. I do feel lucky, i see some of the other counselors in the place and think "thank fuck i haven't got them". Just their general outlook on life, overhearing their conversations (not professional ones), just their body language, idk. So the issue here is i'm starting to trust her, not massive trust, but enough to make me feel vulnerable, enough to make me feel scared, enough for me to know that maybe this is my time. The double edged sword here is i don't want to trust her, trusting her means telling her stuff, means talking about feelings, means unpacking all of it and a thousand other things. You see, of course, but i do want to trust her, no one is making me go for counseling after all, this is of my own free will. Now, on a % scale, i would say she knows right now about 1% - but thats enough to make me feel vulnerable. The issue as well is around managing my emotions in between appts, so much happens emotion wise for me right now in 1 week that i could have gone up and down big time twice in the time between sessions. But, i don't want to rely on her, rely on her support, rely on her being able to listen or to be there, yet, i find myself wanting to speak to her when i am finding things particulary difficult - which of course i dont, but the thought is there. In absolute fairness to her, she tells me if ever i want to talk to her/meet for an extra session i just need to ring the office and they will contact her for me and she will call me. I couldn't ask for any more. I got so close this morning to telephoning, phone in hand - but them realized that i wouldn't know what to say if i did somehow get to speak to her, because i don't know what the problem is (as in how to say what i need from her). I keep getting this overwhelming instant anxiety, which increases in intensity as the weeks go on, mix that in with some crappy flashback that i am trying so hard not to acknowledge, mix that in with some body memories/ real physical pain sensations and i'm about ready to burst at the seams. What scared me the most here was that i actually thought about ringing her, i actually thought about saying in person to someone some of the crap in my head. Not good.
I guess you may be reading this and thinking, this is a good sign, talking about it will help, everyone feels nervous about opening up. This isnt how it is. what scares me the most is i wont be able to control how i feel, what emotions i will feel, what i may say, what will come tumbling out, and most of all, not being able to put myself back together and seriously just falling apart and staying that way. Like shattering a jigsaw and throwing away 20 pieces so it will never get whole again. This right now feels like a serious threat, it feels like the risk is too great. I seriously know that some days, i would struggle to pass a mental capacity test, thats not said with a twist of humour, thats some days how it feels. Yet 12/24 hours later i can haqve kicked my own ass that hard i can be back on the shop floor managing my units effectively. So fucking diverse.
My second problem: I'm falling apart. That is said with a twist of humour, but let me explain this briefly. A few months ago i started this journal, yeah, i was all over the place emotionally/mentally. I need you to use your imagination here and think of the whole me as my house ( i know its hard when you dont know me or my house, but go with me).
6 months ago, all systems working good, maybe a few window catches needed tending to, lurking in a locked cupboard was a monster that was about to shatter my world.
5 Months ago, monster comes out and shatters some windows, everything gets shaky.
3 months ago, monster smashes everything in the house, all the windows, doors, furniture and monsters disappears off leaving behind a massive whole in the front of the house and an eddy inside.
Now: Every system in house is broken, no electric, no gas, no heating or water, no shower, no cooker, no nothing, empty vacant house, no doors, completely vulnerable, my safe haven is upstairs, the stairs have been pulled down but there is a rope, some days i can reach the rope others i cant, some days i feel safe other i don't, some days i feel i can ask for help, others i can't. Some days i'm so confused and dizzy from being stuck in the eddy that i dont know the difference between real pain and remembered pain.
Somedays i feel strong enough to start repairing the house, other days i want to walk away, in what ever shape or form that is.
In all of this, what i just don't get is this: I know what happened to me, i lived through it, i've held it quite okay in my own way for all of these years, i don't get how it can be so unmanageable now. I was abused as a kid, so were unfortunately millions of other people, it happened. I accept it, what the fuck else do i need to do for it to be okay?
Its a dangerous place to be this close to the edge of sanity sometimes and knowing that you are there......
I had my counseling appt 2 days ago, i was having a good day, it wasn't a deep session, talked mostly about my family dynamics, when i was younger and now and yeah it was difficult but i was okay with it.
2 days later and more frequently than ever i feel out of control, my emotions feel out of control, my logical thought process feels out of control.
Right from a very early age, i was always in control of my emotions and feelings. I may not have been able to control what happened around me or to me, but i could process how i thought about it and managed it in my own way, and i guess the outcome of that was that i never spoke about my thoughts or feelings, i kept them to myself. Having my own rules in my head actually somehow kept me sane, albeit often causing me more pain, you would think being told that something causing you pain would stop if you cried, you would just cry: nope, my rules, no tears.
As an adult, still the same, in control of my emotions and feelings, that isn't to say that i am not emotional, i sure can be, but about others, other issues, other people's lives. Drill down to me and pretty much dead. I can with people i really trust open up more, but its rare and still controlled. I made alot of choices and decisions when i was young and it becomes clear that these were choices made by someone in captivity, and somehow i never moved on from that.
Diverse for a moment, my job: I am seriously hanging on by my finger tips, and feeling those slipping. i have now given back every other responsibility that is not actually part of my job, i'm not doing any voluntary work, not on any project meetings, not on any boards. I know that i do the job of three people so regardless of being in a head space that is not always manageable, i would be freaking busy, but you know, i'm missing deadlines. It's a bit like playing a space invader game, some are passing me by and i've got no chance of hitting the deadline, some of them i didn't even see coming, of course, i respond by saying yep nearly done and spend the next 24 hours solid working on it and no one knows any difference, but it would be silly of me to think i can keep that up. I'm drowning.
I have 2 problems here (yeah, laugh, just 2!), but this is how i can explain it it my most logical but illogical way:
Counseling/trust/feelings/vulnerability. (rolled into 1 problem). My counselor, seriously, she is ok, i like her, feels like a good fit. I do feel lucky, i see some of the other counselors in the place and think "thank fuck i haven't got them". Just their general outlook on life, overhearing their conversations (not professional ones), just their body language, idk. So the issue here is i'm starting to trust her, not massive trust, but enough to make me feel vulnerable, enough to make me feel scared, enough for me to know that maybe this is my time. The double edged sword here is i don't want to trust her, trusting her means telling her stuff, means talking about feelings, means unpacking all of it and a thousand other things. You see, of course, but i do want to trust her, no one is making me go for counseling after all, this is of my own free will. Now, on a % scale, i would say she knows right now about 1% - but thats enough to make me feel vulnerable. The issue as well is around managing my emotions in between appts, so much happens emotion wise for me right now in 1 week that i could have gone up and down big time twice in the time between sessions. But, i don't want to rely on her, rely on her support, rely on her being able to listen or to be there, yet, i find myself wanting to speak to her when i am finding things particulary difficult - which of course i dont, but the thought is there. In absolute fairness to her, she tells me if ever i want to talk to her/meet for an extra session i just need to ring the office and they will contact her for me and she will call me. I couldn't ask for any more. I got so close this morning to telephoning, phone in hand - but them realized that i wouldn't know what to say if i did somehow get to speak to her, because i don't know what the problem is (as in how to say what i need from her). I keep getting this overwhelming instant anxiety, which increases in intensity as the weeks go on, mix that in with some crappy flashback that i am trying so hard not to acknowledge, mix that in with some body memories/ real physical pain sensations and i'm about ready to burst at the seams. What scared me the most here was that i actually thought about ringing her, i actually thought about saying in person to someone some of the crap in my head. Not good.
I guess you may be reading this and thinking, this is a good sign, talking about it will help, everyone feels nervous about opening up. This isnt how it is. what scares me the most is i wont be able to control how i feel, what emotions i will feel, what i may say, what will come tumbling out, and most of all, not being able to put myself back together and seriously just falling apart and staying that way. Like shattering a jigsaw and throwing away 20 pieces so it will never get whole again. This right now feels like a serious threat, it feels like the risk is too great. I seriously know that some days, i would struggle to pass a mental capacity test, thats not said with a twist of humour, thats some days how it feels. Yet 12/24 hours later i can haqve kicked my own ass that hard i can be back on the shop floor managing my units effectively. So fucking diverse.
My second problem: I'm falling apart. That is said with a twist of humour, but let me explain this briefly. A few months ago i started this journal, yeah, i was all over the place emotionally/mentally. I need you to use your imagination here and think of the whole me as my house ( i know its hard when you dont know me or my house, but go with me).
6 months ago, all systems working good, maybe a few window catches needed tending to, lurking in a locked cupboard was a monster that was about to shatter my world.
5 Months ago, monster comes out and shatters some windows, everything gets shaky.
3 months ago, monster smashes everything in the house, all the windows, doors, furniture and monsters disappears off leaving behind a massive whole in the front of the house and an eddy inside.
Now: Every system in house is broken, no electric, no gas, no heating or water, no shower, no cooker, no nothing, empty vacant house, no doors, completely vulnerable, my safe haven is upstairs, the stairs have been pulled down but there is a rope, some days i can reach the rope others i cant, some days i feel safe other i don't, some days i feel i can ask for help, others i can't. Some days i'm so confused and dizzy from being stuck in the eddy that i dont know the difference between real pain and remembered pain.
Somedays i feel strong enough to start repairing the house, other days i want to walk away, in what ever shape or form that is.
In all of this, what i just don't get is this: I know what happened to me, i lived through it, i've held it quite okay in my own way for all of these years, i don't get how it can be so unmanageable now. I was abused as a kid, so were unfortunately millions of other people, it happened. I accept it, what the fuck else do i need to do for it to be okay?
Its a dangerous place to be this close to the edge of sanity sometimes and knowing that you are there......
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
I have no idea what to do with myself: That may sound rather strange and fucked up - that's because it is.
Honestly, i just want to run away, get in my car and just drive forever, just drive until i realize the theorists and indeed Columbus were wrong and the world isn't round its flat and i will drive off the edge into some abyss. But, what's the point, i'm only running from me, and i will catch up with myself, i'm clever like that.
I'm not entirely sure whats screwing my head the most, the fact that i am so so SO fucking behind with work or that i somehow have to work through this shitty crappy healing crap lark to feel like i am human.
I fucked up at work this week, i had a multi-disciplinary strategy meeting, my meeting, i was chairing it and i couldn't do it. Oh how i knew i couldn't do it on the morning, i stood shouting at myself in the mirror, telling myself to get a fucking grip, to stop being such a twat and go and do your job. It was too late, already a night with no sleep under my belt, a flashback that has decided its going to stay put and "just thought i would make an appearance" fight or flight anxiety. Yeah, so i fucked up. One of my biggest fears in all of this - can i keep hold of my job, can i do enough on the better days to keep my head above water, oh, i'm slowly realizing i can't. Honestly, if nothing new landed on my lap and somehow i could absorb any new developments with out having to read about them, my work load is about 6 months deep, and thats not even with projects that i want to be doing or new initiatives that i want to be taking forward, or updating or reviewing documents, i feel so swamped, i dont know where to even make a fucking start, and of course, the pile grows daily.
Oh and counseling this week, yep, fucked that up as well. I was agitated, had fucked up with work, was really struggling with this stupid flashback, all i could do was hold on tight and try not to crumble into some weeping mess. I managed it, but in my own fucked up way. I'm now going again tomorrow, yep twice in 1 week means i'm doubly fucked up. All credit to her, she could see i was fucked up and wants me to talk about whats fucking my head up, umm, thats where i fail, again. Yet, i know i need to do this to move on, it's no different than saying i broke my ankle - is it?
Okay, test 1: While on holiday, i was playing volleyball with the locals, i jumped and landed on a rock that was buried beneath the sand. Upon landing my ankle snapped, i was in pain and i was physically sick. I went to the hospital, had an x-ray, had broken my ankle in 3 places and torn all the ligaments, had plaster cast put on and given crutches. How did i feel? (My counselors constant question) - i felt in pain, i felt disappointed that my plans for the holiday had gone down the pan with the activities i had already booked, i felt annoyed and vulnerable at the hospital because of the language barrier, not knowing what was going on apart from them showing me my x-ray and holding up 3 fingers.
Okay, test 2: While at the abusers house i realized they were all off their fucking nuts on some narcotic. I was picked up and held while the others stripped my clothes off, naked with in seconds. They were also stripping just as fast like someone had said first one to get bollock naked gets another purple om. I was put on the table and was suffocated with in minutes. Fuck, i can't do this
Honestly, i just want to run away, get in my car and just drive forever, just drive until i realize the theorists and indeed Columbus were wrong and the world isn't round its flat and i will drive off the edge into some abyss. But, what's the point, i'm only running from me, and i will catch up with myself, i'm clever like that.
I'm not entirely sure whats screwing my head the most, the fact that i am so so SO fucking behind with work or that i somehow have to work through this shitty crappy healing crap lark to feel like i am human.
I fucked up at work this week, i had a multi-disciplinary strategy meeting, my meeting, i was chairing it and i couldn't do it. Oh how i knew i couldn't do it on the morning, i stood shouting at myself in the mirror, telling myself to get a fucking grip, to stop being such a twat and go and do your job. It was too late, already a night with no sleep under my belt, a flashback that has decided its going to stay put and "just thought i would make an appearance" fight or flight anxiety. Yeah, so i fucked up. One of my biggest fears in all of this - can i keep hold of my job, can i do enough on the better days to keep my head above water, oh, i'm slowly realizing i can't. Honestly, if nothing new landed on my lap and somehow i could absorb any new developments with out having to read about them, my work load is about 6 months deep, and thats not even with projects that i want to be doing or new initiatives that i want to be taking forward, or updating or reviewing documents, i feel so swamped, i dont know where to even make a fucking start, and of course, the pile grows daily.
Oh and counseling this week, yep, fucked that up as well. I was agitated, had fucked up with work, was really struggling with this stupid flashback, all i could do was hold on tight and try not to crumble into some weeping mess. I managed it, but in my own fucked up way. I'm now going again tomorrow, yep twice in 1 week means i'm doubly fucked up. All credit to her, she could see i was fucked up and wants me to talk about whats fucking my head up, umm, thats where i fail, again. Yet, i know i need to do this to move on, it's no different than saying i broke my ankle - is it?
Okay, test 1: While on holiday, i was playing volleyball with the locals, i jumped and landed on a rock that was buried beneath the sand. Upon landing my ankle snapped, i was in pain and i was physically sick. I went to the hospital, had an x-ray, had broken my ankle in 3 places and torn all the ligaments, had plaster cast put on and given crutches. How did i feel? (My counselors constant question) - i felt in pain, i felt disappointed that my plans for the holiday had gone down the pan with the activities i had already booked, i felt annoyed and vulnerable at the hospital because of the language barrier, not knowing what was going on apart from them showing me my x-ray and holding up 3 fingers.
Okay, test 2: While at the abusers house i realized they were all off their fucking nuts on some narcotic. I was picked up and held while the others stripped my clothes off, naked with in seconds. They were also stripping just as fast like someone had said first one to get bollock naked gets another purple om. I was put on the table and was suffocated with in minutes. Fuck, i can't do this
Monday, 1 March 2010
This is just a bookmark.
ARGHHHHH
Fuck it, fuck all of it.
It is so not okay to be me right now, my days are so random, my thoughts are so random and I am just fucked off with it.
Why? Because I don't want it, it is as simple as that. I know the abuse is part of me, it has helped in someway shape who I am today, i get that, i'm even okay with that because who esle would i be, i don't know any different than who i am. So i get all of that, but there is no fucking need for it to be fucking with my head like this.
It's fucking crazy making shit. Why isn't it just simple, why does this have to be different.
Do i think about/have flashbacks about/not sleep about/feel consumed by other stuff that have caused me some grief in my life - No - so why not - lets list a few.
Okay, there there is my 75% complete list of lifeism's. I can deal with all of them, they don't cause me sleepless nights, or flashbacks, or triggers (maybe a few triggers in there but nothing i cant handle). So why the fuck can't i handle being abused as a kid??? The thing here as well is that i don't think you need to have been abused to have the feelings that i have, these feeling can occur for any number of reasons if you were traumatized or if something had that much impact on you: You don't only feel shame if you have been abused, you don't only feel vulnerable if you have been abused, you dont have to been abused to have a dislike to sex, get what i mean?
So why cant i just let it go. Some warped fucked up people decided they were going to have sex with this kid, so they did. Thats the deal, just let it go. I cant change it, i cant alter how i felt, i cant change the outcome, they cant take it back, i cant pretend it didnt happen, it is part of who i am. So FUCK OFF from screwing my head up. I accept it, i totally accept it, what else do i need to do. I know what happened, i'm not in denial, i know what they did. So why this stupid fucking video in my head showing it to me again. I don't need to remember what pattern the carpet was, i know it, i dont need to be shown the kid looking frantically for its clothes, i remember it, i dont need to be shown an adult fucking a kid, i remember it, i dont need to be shown a kid throwing up because adult used her mouth for oral sex, i remember it, i dont need to be shown the kid not being able to stand up because she has been fucked so hard in every orifice that she is too weak to stand, i fucking remember it.
Breathe.............
A summary of the last couple of weeks flashbacks. You know, its okay.
Breathe............
Seriously, its okay, i can hold it. But i dont want it, thats my point. Who would want this floating around their head on a sunny day - exactly - no one, so why is it floating round in my head. I know it happened, i can hold it, i know it wasn't the kid's fault.
I would, seriously, sell everything i own to not have this in my head. Material things only mean so much. I would sell my house, my beautiful car, my books, my computers, my garden ornaments, my bike, my sun lounger, all my gadget toys, my kites and board and my electric blanket. They don't mean anything, they could all be replaced, i would do that in an instant if it stopped this every day torture.
Okay, so today is just a crappy shitty fuck arse day. Not everyday is like this, if it was, then see ya. But you know, its getting irritating at the least and soul destroying at the most, and somewhere in between is the me who is trying to get on with every day life, trying to keep my head above water with work and failing dismally, trying to keep friends content with a happy hows it going text, trying to help my sister with feeling so ill after chemo again, trying to keep mother dear on an even keel (for my own sanity), trying not to bug my friend with e-mails, trying to go to counseling in a positve state so maybe some of this shit can get talked about.
Okay, thats my 2.15am rant and rave. Insomnia and me are not good friends this week.
Still ARGHHHHHH
ARGHHHHH
Fuck it, fuck all of it.
It is so not okay to be me right now, my days are so random, my thoughts are so random and I am just fucked off with it.
Why? Because I don't want it, it is as simple as that. I know the abuse is part of me, it has helped in someway shape who I am today, i get that, i'm even okay with that because who esle would i be, i don't know any different than who i am. So i get all of that, but there is no fucking need for it to be fucking with my head like this.
It's fucking crazy making shit. Why isn't it just simple, why does this have to be different.
Do i think about/have flashbacks about/not sleep about/feel consumed by other stuff that have caused me some grief in my life - No - so why not - lets list a few.
- Being sexually assaulted at age 6
- Being kidnapped at age 8
- Watching your mother jump out of moving car and rolling and rolling in the road - age about 10
- Being belted - aged 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12.
- Being held up against the wall with a knife - aged 12
- Watching your father restrain your mother because she is going to kill herself and me - aged 13
- Feeling responsible for mother leaving home because i didnt eat my tea - Age 5 to 12
- Being dragged by my hair for 10 mins in the centre of town and no one stopping her to tell her to fucking stop it. Aged about 9
- Having your shorts and pants pulled down in street and having your arse smacked - age about 7
- Having your mother be told that you were sexually abused - then never speaking to you about it.
- Breaking your arm so badly that a specialist surgeon needs to be brought in, knowing at aged 5 you want to die from pain and watching your mother just leave the room.
- Attempting suicide - age about 14
- Running away from home at 16 - sometimes living on the streets
- Finding what you think is love, then him dying before you get the chance to find out if it was. Age 17
- Attempted mugging - he came off worse. Age about 25
- Standing on the top of a cliff feeling content with your decision to jump. Age - numerous occasions
- Breaking my ankle in 3 places while abroad.
- Physically assulted while in my car, trapped by my seat belt - they didn't get my car though. Age 30
- Being held hostage in your own house by someone who was infatuated with me (lordy knows why) - i actually felt sorry for them so didn't act when i should have done - umm. Aged 30
- Having someone who i loved deeply suicide. Seeing it, regretting missing the call and text. Aged 34
Okay, there there is my 75% complete list of lifeism's. I can deal with all of them, they don't cause me sleepless nights, or flashbacks, or triggers (maybe a few triggers in there but nothing i cant handle). So why the fuck can't i handle being abused as a kid??? The thing here as well is that i don't think you need to have been abused to have the feelings that i have, these feeling can occur for any number of reasons if you were traumatized or if something had that much impact on you: You don't only feel shame if you have been abused, you don't only feel vulnerable if you have been abused, you dont have to been abused to have a dislike to sex, get what i mean?
So why cant i just let it go. Some warped fucked up people decided they were going to have sex with this kid, so they did. Thats the deal, just let it go. I cant change it, i cant alter how i felt, i cant change the outcome, they cant take it back, i cant pretend it didnt happen, it is part of who i am. So FUCK OFF from screwing my head up. I accept it, i totally accept it, what else do i need to do. I know what happened, i'm not in denial, i know what they did. So why this stupid fucking video in my head showing it to me again. I don't need to remember what pattern the carpet was, i know it, i dont need to be shown the kid looking frantically for its clothes, i remember it, i dont need to be shown an adult fucking a kid, i remember it, i dont need to be shown a kid throwing up because adult used her mouth for oral sex, i remember it, i dont need to be shown the kid not being able to stand up because she has been fucked so hard in every orifice that she is too weak to stand, i fucking remember it.
Breathe.............
A summary of the last couple of weeks flashbacks. You know, its okay.
Breathe............
Seriously, its okay, i can hold it. But i dont want it, thats my point. Who would want this floating around their head on a sunny day - exactly - no one, so why is it floating round in my head. I know it happened, i can hold it, i know it wasn't the kid's fault.
I would, seriously, sell everything i own to not have this in my head. Material things only mean so much. I would sell my house, my beautiful car, my books, my computers, my garden ornaments, my bike, my sun lounger, all my gadget toys, my kites and board and my electric blanket. They don't mean anything, they could all be replaced, i would do that in an instant if it stopped this every day torture.
Okay, so today is just a crappy shitty fuck arse day. Not everyday is like this, if it was, then see ya. But you know, its getting irritating at the least and soul destroying at the most, and somewhere in between is the me who is trying to get on with every day life, trying to keep my head above water with work and failing dismally, trying to keep friends content with a happy hows it going text, trying to help my sister with feeling so ill after chemo again, trying to keep mother dear on an even keel (for my own sanity), trying not to bug my friend with e-mails, trying to go to counseling in a positve state so maybe some of this shit can get talked about.
Okay, thats my 2.15am rant and rave. Insomnia and me are not good friends this week.
Still ARGHHHHHH
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