I actually don't want to write this journal today, but i also know that that the last few days have been some what difficult and i need to get some of it down for reflection.

I've developed a new panic symptom! I am actually laughing while i say this because it feels like "what next" - is it not enough to be having vivid flashbacks, some more emotional flashbacks, the insomnia, the knotted stomach and generally just UGH - obviously not. You know, i'm not sure if i would have this new sympton if i just gave in to it all and let it have complete control over my life.

So, just getting so fucked off with these newer more emotional flashbacks (what is strange is that they don't completely screw me up where i feel i need to tell someone what is going on - when i do with the vivid ones it helps so much, i get into a state but it helps to just get it out - but these new ones leave me feeling more emotionally drained rather than panic.) that i decided i needed to concentrate more on any given task and be so fully involved with it that there was no room to be thinking anything else, and being in the soup so much i kind of forgot how to do that, so i dipped into my Everyday Zen, Charlotte Joko Beck book and reminded myself of the core principles of the teachings and it helped me to focus more.

So, being fully in a task, no other influences - its hard - its hard to work towards that achievement and state of being when you are not living how i currently am, let alone now, but i managed it for small periods of time and it was like i had been given a gift - little pockets of 15 min slots of just me and whatever i was doing - so all great until BOOM, ultimately one of the scariest panic attacks happens, where it was like because i was totally at one with a task and my concentration slipped, all the current feelings of being in the soup hit me ten fold and i just need to run, literally, flee away from me, from life and my thoughts were so rapid and i have to be honest here, were just about dying, that seemed the only solution to stop the panic. (Just a reminder to self here, the scariest panic situation was a couple of weeks ago when i really did lose my shit whilst at work, cant really remember hardly anything of it but i know i was in a bad place emotionally. )

These happened for a few times on 2 consecutive days and it was driving me nuts, with all of that it seemed for those two days the whole world either wanted to visit, phone or invite me somewhere whichis really nice and i love all the people in my life but it wasn't something i could deal with - so i left home (!) for 3 nights, drove to the coast and spent time just trying to work this new issue out and trying my best to stay safe. Easier said than done with how i was feeling and there were a few times when it was incredibily difficult to give myself reasons to work it through.

I deliberately put myself in some knowing trigger situations just to see if i could handle it, thankfully this was onthe last day when i was feeling much more settled and in control - and i managed it because i am still here. The vacation did what it needed to do, i came back much more in control of my thoughts and i'm sure i even sang along to some tunes in the car. A good buddy of mine, he used to descibe me as being full of coiled up energy while driving, i strum away on the steering wheel in the car, or tap away, singing along, extra mega observant with everything, i absorb it all, he used to laugh and say i used to burn up more energy driving than i did going for a bike ride, happy days and yesterday i felt just the smallest insight into feeling like that, it felt so good.

So i'm back, and felt the best i had in a few weeks, a few yucky messages waiting for me, including my counseling appt that i should have been at today was cancelled and my sister - who i love so so much (was diagnosed with cancer last year and has being given a life span of six to ten years depending on how well treatment goes and/or if she can get a bone marrow transplant - any my marrow, yup, doesn't match hers so its about 3 million to 1 ) got called by the hospital for the results of her second scan in three weeks and two of the tumours have turned aggressive and they need to operate today. I'm not going to say its not hard to be dealing with this amount of emotional pain, it is, but i can hold it and process it - genuinely.

So, end of today, i had to go to work hitting the floor running, you fall so behind just not being around for a few days - i actually went out to my work bases and did some on site work (which i do quite often but around 50% of the time i work from home). I picked my sister up from hospital and settled her at home, got a take out for the boys and generally played nurse role (which the boys thought was hilarious).

I'm shattered, because i have been out for 15 hours, supported my sister and boys with some tough emotions, and because i have had to be strong and hold all my shit together for the day to enable my sister to be fully supported. That said, it has been another more positive day, i'm not comparing it to yesterday because everyday is unique and can't be compared.