.
So, this isn't an update, this is just something i need to put down.

While on Pandy's today, there was a post about shame - and shame is something massive for me, so i was instantly drawn to the post.

I read the post, and my immediate thoughts were i wanted to get in my car and drive to wherever this person lived, maybe 12000 miles away but that was okay, and just hug her. The abuse she suffered was horrific, humilating and just so awful that no one should ever have to have those experiences. I walked around the house and garden for the next hour, just lost in my own head.

This woman had suffered many of the same humiliating things that i had suffered, her thoughts were so similar to mine, the shame of thinking people will be visualizing what you are telling them, its was so fucking close to home i was truely floored.

I know in terms of counseling i am still newish to it, 3 months in to be accurate, but i already know that there are so many things i cant talk about because of the shame, because i dont want her to visualize what i am telling her, i dont want someone else to have them thoughts in their head - even if it is their job - they are caring humans after all. But maybe i just need to sit with this, because when i read this womans post, i didn't visualize what happened to her - what i read and thought was there are people on this earth who are so so twisted and fucked up that they don't deserve the even share the same breathing space as the rest of us. Maybe my counselor may stand to hear some of the stuff - just needing to sit on that i think.

But i get that feeling of shame, and reading it, this person should hold no shame at all, she didnt choose what these people done to her, she didnt choose to be sexually abused. Yet, my shame is just as big, maybe bigger because i havent really worked on much yet, i even struggel to accept i was abused - in terminolgy sense - it was just stuff that happened to me.

Just looking at only one of the three bigger incidents i have told my counselor about, i remember the sahme and humilation like it was yesterday. Laying blindfolded, not know who was there, naked, hands everywhere, sex going on in every orifice, the humilation of the next people coming in and calling the main abuser in to clean me up, i had been bad and was bleeding again. Laying there not knowing who is spreading your legs that wide, whose penis you are holding, the shame is massive, the shame of remembering that woman sitting on my face. I just feel buried in shame. So i get where this woman was coming from, how can i tell my couselor stuff that happened that was more shameful, more embarassing, more humiliating?

My counselor sits there with a really caring look on her face, telling me i can tell her anything, its okay to tell me anything you want....and i look and think, i know she genuinely means that, but actually it isn't okay.