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So, i'm feeling a bit trapped by something, as to whether at some point i will be able to inform LA of an incident that occured while i was being abused. The difficulty is because i think it is a reportable offence, even though it happened 25 years ago. I'm kind of stuck as to where to go with it, do i just keep everything crossed that it doesn't come up in a flashback again, or.....what else.....I know the concern is about being reported, as in me, because it wasn't me who committed the act, but if it was still reportable to the police i just cant do it, full stop.I need to let this go, as i'm getting hung up on it, and i need not because its not an issue at present, i guess i was trying to get some answers before it does become an issue but LA can't give me definate answers because she doesn't know what it is! And, thats stupid, because it feels like i am playing games, i am not, i am the last person to play games, i'm just straight on the nose. Grrrrrrrr

I am managing so crap at work its a wonder i havent got the sack these last couple of weeks, i mean, there are only so many days you can keep taking off before it becomes an issue - and i'm even struggling to keep up with what i was doing before, which was on good days working 24/7 to keep on top of things because so much happens every day and it only takes a couple of days of being in the soup and i'm like hours and hours behind, but these last few weeks, even on good days, i havent got the energy or motivation to spend hour after hour keeping on top of things, and believe me, i'm drowning.

And, i felt really guilty this past weekend, like massively so - a work colleague rang me for some work advice, no issue with that at all, we talked through the issue, batted about some options, looked at it from different angles and came up with a solution, a no brainer really, until she rang me out of work a day later, just having a general chat about work and responsibility and accountability, and she said "how does it feel to be living someone else's dream" - i was like what??? We then went off on to the conversation of careers etc and cut a long story short, my life (as this person views it) is her dream.

Her take on me: You have everything, your own house, a car, an excellent career with never ending prospects, you are respected, valued, listened to, you are fun, you listen to people, you are fucking batty and you have compassion, you speak and everyone listens and you treat everyone with respect.

Umm.....

Somehow i think she had her rose tainted spectacles on here, but it just floored me that someone thought that of me, and also made me smile of how good a job i do of keeping my its all okay front on, then i felt guilt, that i supposedly have what someone else wants, and i told her she could have the job i have if she wanted it, yes its hard work but she is capable of it, she smiled and said, all the training in the world cant teach you what you have, bemused with this i asked her what "this" was, and she said, you cant name it, you just have it, it radiates from you. I was floored, waht a nice thing to hear from someone, and it was said in an absolute genuine way, of course she also called me all the names that i'm used to like crazy lady, batty fucker, a shot away etc!!

Ummm.....

I wanted to say to her for the first time ever, but with this image you have of me, comes flashbacks, triggers, PTSD, nightmares, sleepless nights, fear, guilt, shame, regret, a feeling of being completely lost and alone. Have one side of me, have the other, of course i didnt, but it amazes me how well sometimes i mange to keep all of this in check.

I'm still struggling with some stuff i wrote in my last post, but then i guess it wont just be okay over night just because i managed to write it down. I didn't talk to LA about it, no doubt i will at some point, but i didnt feel ready to just yet, and thats just going to have to be okay.

I got triggered big time at the weekend, strange how things trigger you that never have before, i was in a big warehouse shop, and i came to the end of an aisle and there were kids dressing up costumes, loads of them hanging up, it just stopped me in my tracks, mini flashbacks all over the place and sweating like i had run a marathon. Weird how this memory has just say in the back of my head all of these years, i knew it happened, but with kind of no feeling attached to it, then all of sudden there i am, 9 years old having to wear fairy or angel or nurse costumes - picked by her - and paraded around the group of people at one of their parties, i hated it, hated it so fucking much, and they seemed to prefer the nurse's outfit, with the stesthescope, equally hated was the fact that after each person had finished with me, i used to have to put the fucking costome back on again for the next one. I don't know, its been sitting there whirling round in my head and i'm just not sure how to process it.

Its starting to feel like i am not safe going anywhere because of these unexpected triggers and its one more thing to fuck with my head.