So i didn't have a good therapy session, i'm still triggered by the dog stuff, triggered by the memories of watching them beat people up and struggling like fuck with the singing flashback.

I don't think i will get through to the end of this process, my T tells me i am strong enough and that i am a strong woman, well she's got it wrong. I'm worn out, emotionally and physically. How many more major flashbacks can keep taking over my life and smashing me in to the floor, i wish it was about choice, i wish i could just say i'm not going to feel like this, but its not like that, the flashbacks are not a conscious memory, trying to avoid them is like trying to avoid breathing.

My T Tells me that this whole process averages about 18 months to 2 years, she wanted to assure me that me seeing her in a years time was going to be normal, and that was going to be okay - a year of this, no thankyou.

You know what i hate about therapy, is that once you leave it kind of reiterates that you are truely alone to manage all this shit. Your T sends you back out in the world to struggle on, you've just told her something that you've never spoken about before and half hour later its back to managing on your own for another week. I don't mean that personal against my T, she is great with me, but it terms of no one really caring, we get this false illusion that our T's care for us...they might care for the hour then thats it, someone else comes through the door and then they care for them for the next hour, on it goes throughout the day, our T's probably sit there through our sessions thinking "hurry up" or "what am i going to cook for tea tonight" or "ooh i must text my friend about going out", they leave work at the end of the day, because remember its a job for them, and then they don't give us another thought for 7 days because they will care for another 30 people in 30 separate sessions over the next week, while in between times we are struggling like shit, going over things they have said to us - which they probably just repeat to everybody every session, at times feeling desperate to telephone them but always deciding against it because you are just taking their time up. I know this is how it is and you cant expect a stranger to care for you, but then it gives me a false illusion when she tells me that what i have to say does matter and that i matter..its not care, its a process of getting us to talk and to make us think we are cared for, we are not in their life, we are a job, and lets face it, when you get home from work the last thing you want to do is think about your job.

So you realize you are truely alone to deal with this, it doesn't matter how bad it gets, how more fucked up my week becomes, how badly i manage the flashback, its just me to manage it, i have to rely on myself to decide to stay alive, to decide that its worth living like this because oh it will get better...and i know that that's how life is, we have to take responsibility for ourselves, but sometimes i just wish someone would just take over for a while, someone to just say i will look after you while you cant look after yourself, i'll hold you when you go sleep and i will be there if you wake up with bad nightmares, i will get up with you at 3am when you cant sleep. Sometimnes the burden of keeping myself safe is too heavy, its asking too much of me as well as asking me to manage the flashbacks, the nightmares, the triggers, that emptiness, the shame, the guilt, the embarassment that i let people do this stuff to me and that i did it to them. Something has to give, its like you can only put so many apples on a tray before 1 topples off over the edge, life is like that, there is only so much you can deal with day in day out every fucking long and horrible day, something will fall off the edge.

Something is so flawed in me, sometimes it feels like something is coming to get me, something so big and awful that that there is no way i can fight it off, its too big to manage, its too big to hold, its too disgusting to look at and its too ugly to talk about.

So, this is where i am at - a bit better of a place than i have been the last couple of weeks - something seems to have lifted a little bit, the same feelings are there but they are not in my head 24/7.

I have managed to sleep a little better, still only getting 3 hours but you know, i'm happy with that, 3 hours is better than none at all or not even bothering to try and sleep.

I have taken a couple of days holiday from work to tag on to the end of my sick line - my manager was cool with that, so i have the weekend to keep moving forward.

I showered this morning - no big deal? it is after the last couple of weeks!!

Normally i dont have any problem with showering, i'm not a bath person at all. i shower every morning even on crap days and its always okay - so its been different this time. My T said that its okay, its just a temporary thing while this bit passes and i have to do what ever it is i need to do to make things even fractionally better for me, and if that means not showering then so be it - good job i haven't seen anyone!

I have 3 goals today. 1 was to shower, YAY! 2 is to go to the corner shop and get some groceries in - nothing major but just things like milk - i havent done that yet but its next! And 3 is to get some laundry done.
Might seems like its all normal, and it is, i would normally do these every day and not even know you've done them, but i need to recognise that this has been a bad one for me, and i cant compare anything to anything, all i can do is what i can do right now and make steps forward. A week ago i didn't plan on being here, not that i planned not to but i've had some close calls in the last couple of weeks, so the fact that i am here, and i'm now clean! Is a good start.

1 day at a time, no plans for tomorrow, we will see about tomorrow when it gets here, but for now, i've got today to work on.

I have just typed for half an hour and now i have lost it all. So fucking typical